神﹐跟自己說“我不管﹐” 不管他怎樣想﹐不管他怎樣說﹐﹐不管有沒有跟他說話﹐那就是在自己篇自己想。哎呀。。真的好愁緒哦。Sigh. 真慘哦﹐不知該怎麼做。我幾時變成這樣﹐變成這種女孩子﹖哎。。好想去睡哦﹐ 但是暫時還不能。
^ So that was me a couple of days ago, well actually, me up till yesterday yesterday, I think. This week's been fighting an internal world war, and I'm lost as to what to do in diplomatic relations. Excuse the metaphor, I don't mean to sound like our history textbook. Which I am apropos, getting very fed up of. When I want to absorb information that I'm actually interested in, I don't need the extraneous efforts at lyricism. I want the facts!! Hard and cold. If you're going to stray from conciseness, at least do it with hypothetical situations and whatnot, like in law. No metaphors and colorful language please. Hmph.
I'm really detesting biology. Hating it with a passion. I was looking through old conversations today and realized that I'd said that a year ago too. Sigh. Why did I take bio AP? Crazy. I'm thinking if I hadn't taken that and instead did physics, I could've been much more in tune with math and all. And I would've been enjoying the material more, I'm almost certain. Sigh. Too late now.
No idea what to do for next year. Don't want 4 APs AND journalism. That's what I was trying to avoid this year, man. Agh. So originally was deciding btwn dropping French AP or Physics AP, but now a friend wants me to take stats with him? And seeing how I'd like to go polisci/intrel, I think, if not neuro, that would be another good option. Sigh. Well music's down the drain, that's pretty much for sure. I'm not even considering it.
Haven't talked to many people helpful in deciding stuff. A few. Guess I'll have to shoot a couple of emails up the ladder this weekend. Ahh.
Usually don't like talking so publicly about such things, but college mail has boosted my confidence recently. I'm thinking that if they're sending me mail, it must mean they'd consider me seriously, right? Like they wouldn't laugh if I applied? I don't know how these gimmicks work. And some places are extremely good at marketing themselves. I sift through their publications and nearly fall in love with the schools.
If you have advice to offer on scheduling or college, do share, please. Please. Especially if it'll keep me sane in the long run. Thanks.
Amy told me a while ago that I never name people in my posts. She's right, it's a rare occasion. And when I do, it's usually because I'm comfortable with the person, at least at the time I name them. Actually no, most people I name I'm good with long-term. But I say "most" to qualify things because recent circumstances have forced me to substitute it for the would-have-been "all."
Sometimes, though, I speak of friends in the general because I'd rather not violate their privacy. Just a bit of courtesy.
So I think I've given up diplomacy for the time being, at least. Referring to my first English paragraph in this post. Ehh. =\ I'm healing.
I'm grateful for everyone I've held meaningful/interesting conversations with over the past few days, it's helped get my mind off other things. Like, really. I've been talking more this week, I think. Just need to talk, I guess. Thankful for willing listeners, for putting up with me.
I'll be fine.
I need to get back on track, in so many ways. Life in general. Academic, spiritual, emotional, physical, psychological maybe even. Sigh. My behavior needs to emanate my beliefs, which sad to say, it hasn't been doing so the past few days. Well, probably more like this whole week. And even before then it wasn't too strong. Ahhh.
Watching the English video I realized something about the contours of my voice when I speak. It's kinda annoying, and I'm reminded about what Claudine said. Ahh. Need to cut the one-on-one explanatory voice and push for the declarative, I think. Ehh. Thoughts on that? I think <-- Just felt like saying that, I don't actually have a coherent thought to put there, none that I know of.
It's March 2nd, and the post says February 28th. Interesting, hah.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Frustrations
It's frustrating how I'm such a procrastinator, how I hate starting things and thus I prefer to waste time dreading things rather than just do 'em and get 'em done. Agh. And lately I've been sick, and then now I get tired really early.. ahhh. I feel guilty saying I've been sick. Feels almost as if I'm asking for attention. Anyways. I really should put more effort into my schooling.
^ That wasn't the post I had planned to write (yes, I usually put some thought into most of these), but I'm escaping homework now, and aghhh. I really need to expand my vocabulary too, come to think of it. Haha. "Aghh" isn't exactly the most appropriate, intelligent, or desired response to afflictions.
I guess I need more discipline; otherwise I wouldn't be such a bad procrastinator. What shocks me (slightly; my senses have dulled, most unfortuately) is that I don't care much. I don't care. About.. I don't know. A lot of things seem like chores at times. Take bio for example. I'm not learning. It' an awfully bad thing. But.. I don't care much; I've always liked chemistry better. Plus neuro. That's the only exciting part of bio, in addition to physiology, I suppose you could say.
I am alarmed by my complacency, by my lack of interest in things. And now as I'm thinking about it, I'm quite appalled, actually. Shouldn't I care? Wouldn't that be a better thing? I think so, for most things at least. If this doesn't make sense, well.. not sure it should. I'm just.. reasoning out loud to myself here.
Ah. Guess one must start building habits sometime. I usually formulate some ideas quite comprehensive and sensible all in my head, but I rarely make the time and enegy to put them into practice. Guess I should, huh? Would make for easier living later down the road.. and I believe it is very possible to make oneself hold some level of liking for academic material of any sort.
That being said, I will go finish up my math homework now. Six multiple-choice problems await me, and another six free-response. Lovely, very lovely. And after that I vow to read history, at least Chapter 29. I've never liked history as a whole, most of it in the textbook in our current section is about either economics or wars caused by such. Sigh. The world would be a much better place if people would learn to control their desires. In all senses.
Oh-kay, I'm out now.
P.S. I've recently found a lot of culturally and intellectually informative and eye-opening blogs out there. Beautiful, and yay for brain food. =)
P.P.S. Shhh! It' a secret! But I almost (note almost) hope I don't get into a TASP because there's somewhere I very much want to go during the summer! Tentative plans. I might tell you where, but you'd have to ask. =)
^ That wasn't the post I had planned to write (yes, I usually put some thought into most of these), but I'm escaping homework now, and aghhh. I really need to expand my vocabulary too, come to think of it. Haha. "Aghh" isn't exactly the most appropriate, intelligent, or desired response to afflictions.
I guess I need more discipline; otherwise I wouldn't be such a bad procrastinator. What shocks me (slightly; my senses have dulled, most unfortuately) is that I don't care much. I don't care. About.. I don't know. A lot of things seem like chores at times. Take bio for example. I'm not learning. It' an awfully bad thing. But.. I don't care much; I've always liked chemistry better. Plus neuro. That's the only exciting part of bio, in addition to physiology, I suppose you could say.
I am alarmed by my complacency, by my lack of interest in things. And now as I'm thinking about it, I'm quite appalled, actually. Shouldn't I care? Wouldn't that be a better thing? I think so, for most things at least. If this doesn't make sense, well.. not sure it should. I'm just.. reasoning out loud to myself here.
Ah. Guess one must start building habits sometime. I usually formulate some ideas quite comprehensive and sensible all in my head, but I rarely make the time and enegy to put them into practice. Guess I should, huh? Would make for easier living later down the road.. and I believe it is very possible to make oneself hold some level of liking for academic material of any sort.
That being said, I will go finish up my math homework now. Six multiple-choice problems await me, and another six free-response. Lovely, very lovely. And after that I vow to read history, at least Chapter 29. I've never liked history as a whole, most of it in the textbook in our current section is about either economics or wars caused by such. Sigh. The world would be a much better place if people would learn to control their desires. In all senses.
Oh-kay, I'm out now.
P.S. I've recently found a lot of culturally and intellectually informative and eye-opening blogs out there. Beautiful, and yay for brain food. =)
P.P.S. Shhh! It' a secret! But I almost (note almost) hope I don't get into a TASP because there's somewhere I very much want to go during the summer! Tentative plans. I might tell you where, but you'd have to ask. =)
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Cats
So, ********* (your virtual name is too ugly to type), if you're going post a comment, can you leave your real name? One that I'll know? Because whoever you are who's been spamming us stupid junk recently, you're a coward. You're stupid and ignorant with nothing better to do.
Eh. ^ person there left racist comments on my previous post, which I deleted, and sexually offensive (among other ways) ones on John's blog. Ick. Regarding those left on mine, I was really mad yesterday because that last post was really important to me, and.. I don't know, those words made me feel defiled. Just.. yeah. The comment stung at some things I personally value. Sigh. It's sad how people can be so mean. And also, another issue on race: Yesterday on Deal or No Deal, the candidate was a Korean-American, the first ever Asian-American on the show, I think, and he was made to sing to the tune of "B-I-N-G-O" a song that stereotyped him and basically humiliated and derided the entire Asian.. race (is that the right category? eh. whatever). Apologies for the long sentence. But it was really mean, and despite the fact that Pyong Kong was a great sport and played along, I have no doubts that the show's producers would not have, under any circumstance, done the same thing to a Caucasian on the show. Even if that Caucasian were an immigrant from Eastern Europe, for example, with a heavy accent and frumpled manners, s/he would not have been subjected to such public shame. Sigh. Sad that race still plays such a large role in our lives. Maybe that's why I don't watch much American TV. Caught some of Heroes and another show yesterday, and Asians were all portrayed as.. geeky, obedient, submissive, .. and other bad things.
Another point of discussion: People are really bold on the Internet. They say things half of which they wouldn't dare slip in your face in person. Above situation, case in point. NY Times had an article about it today: here.
Eh. That's why I prefer talking to people in person. When you don't really know the other party, it's hard to figure (some times more than others) what they're really saying/thinking, and I'm only willing to play guessing games for so long. Sigh. That's been a source of anxiety at times.
Eh. ^ person there left racist comments on my previous post, which I deleted, and sexually offensive (among other ways) ones on John's blog. Ick. Regarding those left on mine, I was really mad yesterday because that last post was really important to me, and.. I don't know, those words made me feel defiled. Just.. yeah. The comment stung at some things I personally value. Sigh. It's sad how people can be so mean. And also, another issue on race: Yesterday on Deal or No Deal, the candidate was a Korean-American, the first ever Asian-American on the show, I think, and he was made to sing to the tune of "B-I-N-G-O" a song that stereotyped him and basically humiliated and derided the entire Asian.. race (is that the right category? eh. whatever). Apologies for the long sentence. But it was really mean, and despite the fact that Pyong Kong was a great sport and played along, I have no doubts that the show's producers would not have, under any circumstance, done the same thing to a Caucasian on the show. Even if that Caucasian were an immigrant from Eastern Europe, for example, with a heavy accent and frumpled manners, s/he would not have been subjected to such public shame. Sigh. Sad that race still plays such a large role in our lives. Maybe that's why I don't watch much American TV. Caught some of Heroes and another show yesterday, and Asians were all portrayed as.. geeky, obedient, submissive, .. and other bad things.
Another point of discussion: People are really bold on the Internet. They say things half of which they wouldn't dare slip in your face in person. Above situation, case in point. NY Times had an article about it today: here.
Eh. That's why I prefer talking to people in person. When you don't really know the other party, it's hard to figure (some times more than others) what they're really saying/thinking, and I'm only willing to play guessing games for so long. Sigh. That's been a source of anxiety at times.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Does there really need to be one? 是誰說的﹖
已經多久有了這個願望﹐不知幾時才能把這件事情做到。 希望是在我變老以前﹐ 因為過了這個年輕日子就會太遲了﹐不是馬﹖
And she stood, gripping the sides of the doorframe. Obscured by the shadows, she watched the laughter tumble past.
But may it have been Tantalus?
What number post is this? .. Yeah.
I'm using up so much virtual space, skipping all these lines! Eek.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Sensory Appeal.
I'd like to share with you a poem, one written by Mr. Robert Frost. His stuff from "A Boy's Will" is really good.
Revelation
We make ourselves a place apart
Behind light words that tease and flout,
But oh, the agitated hear
Till someone really find us out.
'Tis pity if the case require
(Or so we say) that in the end
We speak the literal to inspire
The understanding of a friend.
But so with all, from babes that play
At hid-and-seek to God afar,
So all who hide too well away
Must speak and tell us where they are.
- - -
So I was wondering how to put music into words. Like.. how to write so that people would hear music. Something along those lines. It's an interesting question. I think in music oftentimes, rather than words. Often I find bits of songs in my head that have apparently churn for a while before I become conscious of them.
On a similar note, how do you put colors into words?
It's like trying to describe this to a blind man:
. . .
How can you do it? Just how can you do it?
Revelation
We make ourselves a place apart
Behind light words that tease and flout,
But oh, the agitated hear
Till someone really find us out.
'Tis pity if the case require
(Or so we say) that in the end
We speak the literal to inspire
The understanding of a friend.
But so with all, from babes that play
At hid-and-seek to God afar,
So all who hide too well away
Must speak and tell us where they are.
- - -
So I was wondering how to put music into words. Like.. how to write so that people would hear music. Something along those lines. It's an interesting question. I think in music oftentimes, rather than words. Often I find bits of songs in my head that have apparently churn for a while before I become conscious of them.
On a similar note, how do you put colors into words?
It's like trying to describe this to a blind man:
. . .
How can you do it? Just how can you do it?
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Reflections on recent experiences involving the arousing of the burning of flames.
Ah. It'd be nice if people took out their anger appropriately. Though I suppose you could say that there is only so much you can do. NOOOOO. Such is not the belief of an activist! Plus, according to Ephesians 4:26-27, "In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." Mm. Amen.
Swim coach made a girl cry yesterday, I heard. Sigh. And this girl was strong.. she's a rock. She's a joy to have on our team, a pure joy. She's cheery and good-spirited, she doesn't make fun of others (except in jest, of course), she's playful, and.. nice to be around. Yeah, so, our coach made her cry because of personal issues. But yeah, if she can make that girl cry.. eh. Bodes less well for the rest of us.
Now I shall play devil's advocate to what I shared in my paragraph above. The only reason the girl got away with _______ in the past is because she's had nice coaches, plus she's fast, so.. hey, what can you do to someone you almost need on your team? Not much, right? Apparently our new coach Stephanie values consistent attendance over talent. Not to say she doesn't appreciate talent either, man, this is a lady who swam at NATIONALS coaching us.
We're learning to be lawyers in English. o.O Apparently what you say matters less than how you say it. As long as you can 把黑講成白﹐白講成黑 - in English it would be .. speak of black till it's white, and white till it's black. You get my meaning. Anyways, as long as you can do that, it doesn't matter what black or white actually is. "What happened to creativity and critical thinking?" a friend seethingly demanded. Well, AP English happened to it. Pft. ^ All that happened to it. I deliberately refrain from using my teacher's name here because it seems he does an occasional Internet search on himself. Yeah. But.. yeah. Last week I was extremely incensed at being given the formulas to everything. FORMULAS. That is something reserved for math class. You DO NOT, DO NOT, I repeat, write, according to a formula. That is, if you're really a good writer. So I spent the weekend ignoring the definition essay we're required to produce, partly out of spite, partly out of nonchalance. And imagine my disgust upon entering class Monday morning seeing that half of my classmates had indeed followed the formula. They'd all detailed their essays with elaborate outlines in nice abc123i/ii/iii formats and crammed in a bunch of tiny nitpicky minutae. Gross. I'll deal with that subject at more length another time. Not now, it'd take forever.
However, my.. anger? (there's a better word somewhere) was slightly abased upon listening to the reasonings of several classmates who had noticed, as I had, the "FORMULA FOR _________," but interpreted it differently. They alluded to a quote from by Captain Jack Sparrow from the 1st POTC, "Spotlighting is more of an actual guideline than a rule." And so it'd be best (for my sanity, at least) to (momentarily) think of the FORMULA as more of a set of GUIDELINES. Thank God for calm thinkers to keep me in check.
"PAIN IS INEVITABLE. SUFFERING IS OPTIONAL."
ACCOUNTABILITY
Swim coach made a girl cry yesterday, I heard. Sigh. And this girl was strong.. she's a rock. She's a joy to have on our team, a pure joy. She's cheery and good-spirited, she doesn't make fun of others (except in jest, of course), she's playful, and.. nice to be around. Yeah, so, our coach made her cry because of personal issues. But yeah, if she can make that girl cry.. eh. Bodes less well for the rest of us.
Now I shall play devil's advocate to what I shared in my paragraph above. The only reason the girl got away with _______ in the past is because she's had nice coaches, plus she's fast, so.. hey, what can you do to someone you almost need on your team? Not much, right? Apparently our new coach Stephanie values consistent attendance over talent. Not to say she doesn't appreciate talent either, man, this is a lady who swam at NATIONALS coaching us.
We're learning to be lawyers in English. o.O Apparently what you say matters less than how you say it. As long as you can 把黑講成白﹐白講成黑 - in English it would be .. speak of black till it's white, and white till it's black. You get my meaning. Anyways, as long as you can do that, it doesn't matter what black or white actually is. "What happened to creativity and critical thinking?" a friend seethingly demanded. Well, AP English happened to it. Pft. ^ All that happened to it. I deliberately refrain from using my teacher's name here because it seems he does an occasional Internet search on himself. Yeah. But.. yeah. Last week I was extremely incensed at being given the formulas to everything. FORMULAS. That is something reserved for math class. You DO NOT, DO NOT, I repeat, write, according to a formula. That is, if you're really a good writer. So I spent the weekend ignoring the definition essay we're required to produce, partly out of spite, partly out of nonchalance. And imagine my disgust upon entering class Monday morning seeing that half of my classmates had indeed followed the formula. They'd all detailed their essays with elaborate outlines in nice abc123i/ii/iii formats and crammed in a bunch of tiny nitpicky minutae. Gross. I'll deal with that subject at more length another time. Not now, it'd take forever.
However, my.. anger? (there's a better word somewhere) was slightly abased upon listening to the reasonings of several classmates who had noticed, as I had, the "FORMULA FOR _________," but interpreted it differently. They alluded to a quote from by Captain Jack Sparrow from the 1st POTC, "Spotlighting is more of an actual guideline than a rule." And so it'd be best (for my sanity, at least) to (momentarily) think of the FORMULA as more of a set of GUIDELINES. Thank God for calm thinkers to keep me in check.
"PAIN IS INEVITABLE. SUFFERING IS OPTIONAL."
ACCOUNTABILITY
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