Porous

Tonight I am only articulating what I have in these past few days identified in myself. I think there's something deeper that I haven't reeled in yet, and while I usually wait for my sentiments to settle in comfortably before I share them with the world, this time, it just feels differently. So, here goes.

I am caught up in a futile attempt to push the pause button on Time, I am trying in vain to avoid this inevitable turning point, I am doing what I can to prolong these moments, yet I know that in the end it's gonna work out different. Mm. I think that my mind has resigned itself to this certain fate, but my heart has yet not. But you know what? I tell myself that life will go on, because the beat goes on.

I'm stuck between knowing what's better for me versus what I want to do now. Used to be, back in the day, that logic would win, hands down and no questions asked. And why not? Things were logical. I guess this time's different because I've allowed some sentiment to seep in, maybe a little too much? I really couldn't help it - this opportunity only comes once a year. First time July-August 2004 and from then on, from the moment I knew it existed, impossible not to hunger for.

Sounds like a big deal? Somewhat, not really. 'Tis more of a feeling one receives than something outrightly tangible. Well, the material benefits exist too. But that's not the main point.

Blah. I'm already revealing too much here. Even if it doesn't make sense. Or perhaps it does. I don't know. It's fear, huh?

Simple life, day-to-day? I've been living for the today this whole summer, so I guess it's only fair that I spend a good-sized portion of the next couple of months living for the tomorrow.

I really can't imagine school starting again. It seems so surreal. It's unbelievable. I can't bring myself to face the fact that we're all growing up, that life's moving us along, and that sooner or later, we'll have to say our goodbyes. Maybe some of this explains my procrastination habits that have built up in recent years. Hah. I'll have to look into that one sometime. Sigh.

At the end of the day it all has to do with facing fear and closure, and coming to terms with oneself and one's place in life. Have I done that yet? Not completely, it sure seems. Well then, guess I'll have to get a move on.

Laziness

So this is me being lazy. Taking online quizzes and posting the more accurate results here, some of which describe qualities more superficial than others do. Deleted out one absolutely false statement ("tend to change friends easily" or something like that).

For your pleasure and my memory.

What's Your Dosha?

Your Dosha is Pitta

You have a quick mind, a gift for persuasion, and a sharp sense of humor. You have both the drive and people skills to be a very successful leader. Argumentative and a bit stubborn, you have been known to be a little too set in your ways. But while you may be biased toward your own point of view, you are always honest, fair, and ethical. With friends: You are outgoing and open to anyone who might want to talk to you In love: You are picky but passionate To achieve more balance: Be less judgmental of those around you, and take cool walks in the moonlight.

How Do You Live Your Life?

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. You prefer a variety of friends. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What's Your Personality Cluster?

Your Personality Cluster is Introverted Thinking

You are: Objective, honest, and credible Intellectually curious, with many diverse interests More inclined toward ideas than people Fiercely independent and unapologetically unconventional

The Five Factor Values Test

Your Values Profile

Loyalty: You value loyalty a fair amount. You're loyal to your friends... to a point. But if they cross you, you will reconsider your loyalties. Staying true to others is important to you, but you also stay true to yourself. Honesty: You value honesty a fair amount. You're honest when you can be, but you aren't a stickler for it. If a little white lie will make a situation more comfortable, you'll go for it. In the end, you mostly care about "situational integrity." Generosity: You value generosity a fair amount. You are all about giving, as long as there's some give and take. Supportive and kind, you don't mind helping out a friend in need. But you know when you've given too much. You have no problem saying "no"! Humility: You value humility highly. You have the self-confidence to be happy with who you are. And you don't need to seek praise to make yourself feel better. You're very modest, and you're keep the drama factor low. Tolerance: You value tolerance a fair amount. You are open to new cultures, beliefs, and ideas. You have very few prejudices that you're aware of. And while you are tolerant, you do stand true to what you believe.

Mist and snow and haze and hail

A bit over a month ago, sometime in mid to late June, I was talking to a friend, and he was questioning me about a very important part of my life and the decisions I'd be making to influence it. After a few minutes of ho-hum I was able to give him enough of an answer to satiate his appetite for the moment, but I did so without revealing too much - to leave myself some wiggle room, you could say. And yeah, I guess he knew this too, by the looks of the below:

wildmanwu27 (9:23:53 PM): very vague you are

.

Yes, I am vague, by nature. Sometimes I am evasive too. All I know is that I am so to save me the pain of having to disappoint people.

See, there is little question in anyone's mind that people expect great things from me. I do not mean to sound arrogant, but really, everyone thinks I'll end up at crazy places ( = crazy college places) and do crazy things ( = crazy tangibly rewarding career stuffs). Eh. Who are they to say, most of whom have done neither? I'm flattered that people think highly of my abilities, but once in a while, I wonder what they'll all think if I don't make it big. I begin imagining scenarios and mentally preparing myself for the worst.

And other times I berate myself for caring so much about what others think of me. It's not like worrying ever made a difference. At least, not by itself it didn't.

Sigh.