Chiaroscuro

I've been wrestling with God much more in my mind than in my heart for the past couple of months. While the intellectual struggles have been great, it's almost as if I've voluntarily withdrawn and decided that the heart isn't always quite worth it, as if investing in outpourings of the heart is mutually exclusive from challenging my mind to the utmost. I know that such isn't true, but I'm finding it difficult to strike the right balance in real life, given our human limitations of time, willpower, and energy. Given my confusion and internal qualms, I am all the more excited to read John Piper and colleagues' "Thinking. Loving.Doing.: A Call to Glorify God with Heart and Mind." over the next few days. I am thankful for Thanksgiving break.

Another set of tensions that has been on my mind stems from attending the Ames moot court last week:

Law: While law is supposed to render people equal, the process seems very hierarchical and full of deference. Lawyers -- or at least the law students who argued in front of Justice Sotomayor and the other two justices -- seem to have little confidence in themselves. The people who argued were also poor in answering directly the questions posed to them. Sometimes they would evade the question, making round-about arguments. Or, they would try to prove that whatever they had said before was legitimate and advanced their case -- generally not a bad thing, but in this case the tactic was inappropriate and poorly timed, because the students had been asked just to answer certain yes-or-no questions. When asked for certain information, give it. Don't beat about the bush.

Business: I've heard that businesses and corporations are often hierarchical, but increasingly I've found that one can achieve respect as long as you prove your arguments with substantial, meaningful evidence. Granted, it's not always easy to put yourself in a position where you can prove your point, but after doing so, opportunities (can) come in a much more meritocratic way...

- - -

have you ever dreamt voices?

can i bottle up your voice,
and set it within a clear glass vial
to radiate colors of crystal
while stopped with a piece of cork
sealed tight?

a deceptively cool-headed wind
whooshes
past

the crevices of your being
brood burgundy
as autumn souls
are caressed in warm argent
will you not also reach for the light?

-eHc

Golden Handcuffs

God, I don't understand. Last week, it was all fine. In fact, I was even reassured that it would be okay, and that I shouldn't have to worry so much. Seems like that's not the case -- the worrying is just delayed. It's like senior year of HS all over again, except this time I'm geographically removed and in a position to run off if I want.

逃避. to escape.

But really... I'd thought it'd be okay. That this was the end of it. That I wouldn't have to fear my irrational wonderings and mind experiments every time I walked over a bridge, or into traffic, or along the river. That there is more to life than..

I don't understand why they have so little trust in me, or in my ability and desires to navigate the system. Does it really matter to be at the "top" or to do what no one else does? Selectivity doesn't always correctly signal increase in quality... Not in the ways that matter to me, at least.

Do I fight? If so.. how?

- - -

is it naive
of us, to
to assume
that we have

why hope
why care
why dare
back to Jerusalem, I stare

-eHc

- - -

I realize that overall, I've been intentionally isolating myself a lot more this year. Not that I don't see people and interact with them still, but as a whole, I'm more apathetic about -- and unsure of my approach to -- keeping up some relationships. I think it started when ML called me to tell me about his job offer. I was glad he'd chosen to share the news with me, but I was struck with a sudden, pinching grief that pulled at my sides and yanked me into dullness.

"You can't get married in the next few years, 'cause then I can't make it to your wedding... No, really." Those were some of his words during our phone chat. We chuckled over it, because what else could you do in a moment like that? Inside, though, I really wondered... what sort of relationship can you keep up with someone who doesn't have time for you? Distance is one thing, but time is a whole other monster. As I relayed to RK -- ML, I don't want to just invite you to my wedding.. I want you to be there when I  introduce my future whoever to my friends. I want you to meet him, to get to know him, to tell me truly if you think it'll work out and if we are and will be good for each other. I want your opinion developed through time and meaningful interaction. Not just for you to show up dressed like a penguin and shower me with empty words of congratulations. That wouldn't mean much. And I don't want to settle.

Or am I expecting too much? Is it inevitable that with separation of time and distance, that relationships fade away until they turn dusty yellow with unpleasantness and awkwardness? Can they be sustained by anything other than the past and in the present, save Christ?

seeking what? or whom?

cravings that curl up fetus-like and arch backwards.. such are the cravings that I've had recently. at the moment they're for inconsequential things like dim sum, rice noodles, and pretty lace, as well as larger-ticket items like the satiation of head knowledge, a fluency in several foreign languages, and a thirst for perhaps God.

this was from late July, the 28th or so, but:

of mahogany spheres on navy-blue nights

carved
inserted
(im)pressed
embedded

a piece of parchment in a walnut shell

-eHc

it's kinda rough, and might be incomplete. i'll see if i come back to it.

swing left

the ice has cracked
the snow has melted
the sun has risen
my feet point home

i make a left
go up the street
my ears are cold
i pause

the gate is open
left unlatched
i hesitate
then draw near

the rubber surprises me
then i adjust
the twisted metal
'8' no more

i look up
scan left to right
colored chalk
on windows in brick

turning
i look around me
no one in sight
dare i?

plop.
my feet touch the ground
a moment later
i get up

this world
am i of it no more?
can it ever be mine again?

what keeps me (from) going forward?

--eHc

the words just won't come.

apologies. the floodgates are guarded. arise? i can't, at the moment.

Shall we promène by the sea,

the glint of ocean grey in our eyes?

deep calls out, for request
of
answer

in vain


why so silent?


have we packed up, put on, withdrawn --

become shells?


--eHc

colors dripping on the carpet

paint me

a part of your soul

in which i may

dissolve

into stories previously heard

but not known.

paint me

a swath of your thoughts

so i may

understand

why you reason

the way that you do.

paint me

a piece of your heart

that i may

touch

the crevices

that compose your being.

who are you?

and who is me?

shall i never hear?

nor shall you never see?

--EHC

Disturbings of Late

Three ¼s through nightfall on a street with broken glass
you carve out a hole in your heart, &
proceed to decant the contents into mine

Brushing your hands together
then dusting your shirt off
you look me 2 seconds in the eyes

As you bleed, depart, distance,
I stand here, staring
by the shine of moon

Wondering when
to be less anodyne
how to step in time

Will any of this
render us both
whole again?

Whispering, I pray
that vacant verbs vanish --
and Jesus turn water to wine

--EHC

- - -

I've been unconsciously moving towards thinking/praying in Chinese these past couple of days...the action reminds me of a certain someone whose email I have been meaning, but failing, to reply to for far too long.

Distortions of Light

J a de

L i m e

K e l l y

E m e r a l d

V i r i d i a n

H o n e y d e w

C e l a d o n t e a l

G r e e e e e e n !

G r e e e e e n !

G r e e e e n !

G r e e e n

G r e e n

T r e e.

3.

--EHC

Mastering Montages

How sweet the smell of verdant grass,
and water in between;
The latter sprinkles life and zest,
the former things unseen.

--EHC

So apparently I entered preschool not knowing any English. I cried for a week, says Mums. I think it was queries and conversation amongst refugees and volunteers at the IRC a few weeks ago that fished this previously forgotten thought out of the depths, allowed it to surface.

Last week, I was outside in the yard imagining how in a week or so I'd be in Boston, staring up at the night sky, and by then I wouldn't be able to come back to SJ like *that* or anything.. it was a sobering thought. All things large and small come to mind when one fixes his gaze upon the firmaments and marvels at their reflective glory.

I was thinking about the different paths that people take after high school, roads that seem to continously diverge and meander in unexpected ways until they're so branched out one can hardly trace one to another. But we're all strung together by a common thread, are we not? A solid thread of glowing gold. The good-byes to people you expect to see again relatively soon, the good-byes to people you don't (know if you can) expect to see for some time, and the good-byes to people you don't expect to ever again on this earth see -- each carries a different weight and tone.

Life and faith, both can be complicated. Yet their essences waft simplicity. Notwithstanding, is it not better and more personally rewarding to actively wrestle with questions than to shuffle through the frames desultorily?

Can you mark out your moment in the montage of man? in that of his maker?

Clearly

Flummoxed. A sapling in its original environment develops naturally with all the bends and slashes inherent in its makeup, but is strangely more comfortable in a bleak and icy locale thousands of miles away. Transplanting always does the weirdest things to our friendly green organisms, fellow inhabitants of the earth.

I somewhat miss the "old days" in which I naturally produced cryptic vagueness describing my feelings at the moment. I think it's part of a process of opening up. Does such lead to dust trodden into kéramos? Such a beautiful poem Longfellow did write.

The tulip rests on a mirror reflecting the sky.

Courtesy of Flickr's California Grandma K

"Fall to Fly"

Teeter-totter on the playground swings? Even in the air, where the skylark sings?

Occasionally the crafted panache betrays itself,
with symptoms that can be cured by a spoonful of sugar.

It is in such moments that we realize within ourselves
frozen shadows or desired projections of the original.

To revitalize the core, with blessed
fire blazing through my veins
static charges shocking rain
to meet or flee the forlorn sheep --
such a choice not mine to keep.

But the charge, the charge is mine.

Mine with which to make reply,
Mine with which to reason why,
Mine with which to do or die,
Mine with which to soar on high.

We must fall, first
to fly.

--EHC

Suspended

View of HDB flats from MRT station

"dots & brushstrokes of grey and gray"

porcelain tile
dotted white depressions
gritty grout blue-grey
high-rise flats

damp grayness settling over chattering town
lime green leaves whose fingers grab at and tickle the air

coils of warm perfume engulf me
rays of sunshine curve upward from side to side
要跟你告白了。要跟你告別了。

--EHC

- - -

Won't be visiting [the first one] this summer. Grandma says not to risk it, swine flu and all. Interesting that I said "visiting" and not "going back."

Stopover halfway around the world, a few years ago --

Looking out from inside the Boh tea farm

Ocean by Langkawi? I think.

Hahaha, yes, this was for real.

There we go.

Got Hang Tuah's name, so must take!

Back to kopi tiam now.

Courtesy of Flickr's nahcnivek

The other, became more familiar with during reading period, har. Window view from 30 feet above ground. No photos here, though.

Home now. Fam, friends, reading, resting, relaxing. Learning left-hand options for worship/praise songs. Job-searching too. And we'll do "everything we've always wanted to do" this summer, says Rica.

"The clarity of water and the radiance of jade." I know I've switched the two phrases around, but it sounds better that way in English. I'll type the original when I learn it.

And a diversion,

Random hawker centre. I miss these.

courtesy of Reuters

Once in a while, I get cravings for Takopachi.

Isn't the logo cute?

Mm.. yummy goodness.

The above three photos courtesy of Flickr's DiLow333

Faded.

"Struggle"

I see problems that I cannot fix,
tears I cannot wipe away,
stains too dark to scrub back clean,
wounds aggressors should for pay.

It's hard to trust, though know I should,
in He who does all for our good.
And struggle as I do through this,
I wonder what I current miss.

--EHC

- - -

"streetlamp"

in a strange way,
i'm glad to be on ground
instead of 1000 feet above
staring up at space
at darkness of the groves.

marigold light tumbling down
on asphalt path.
what is this?
contrast with cold-shouldered fluorescent white
of swimming pools, 5 past night.

stars in the heavens obstructed
cry out to He in the cosmos i do
glittering vulnerabilities
tower of pearl, steeple
renewing, refreshing, amazing.

to-and-fro, to-and-fro,
the accelerating engines of vehicles passing
make me wish the T were open at this hour
or the airport and runways and silver beams closer
in their yearning groans for things than self greater

--EHC

Forest Leaves

I wonder
how sounds your leitmotif,
if it roars, or if it quivers,
or if it resonates with fervor?

Is it quiet, yet inviting, like words that carry thoughts?
Or is it loud with explanation, as thoughts that carry words?
Is it earth and wind and water fire clay and light and air?
Treasures of the memories that you lived, not here, but there?

Perhaps it springs with colors
that wind has carried not
Perhaps it shines with sparkles
as water can and ought

At the core, though, how sounds it?

hm?

Bold and full of confidence,
Or deferent to circumstance?
Chordal, bro-ken, harmony?
Singing, lilting, melody?

Full of crescendos, of diminuendos,
of hairpins that shape but don't yank?
Sforzandos, allargandos, mezzo pianos
and mordants, or lack?

Trills and warbles that shimmer at first glance?
i hope not
Flurry of sixteenth notes that prance?
i think not

I suppose the only way I'll find out
is to hear entirely
the music
in which it sounds.

oh.

Until
then,
"Patience, young grasshopper,
with that I shall be found."

--EHC

In search of golden threads to connect a flight

It's daybreak, and around me
arises
Agape, Philos, and Eros.
They don't quite come
in a pile neatly folded,
Nor are they
strewn and abandoned
out in the dark.
Simply, quietly, patiently, they sit --
the door swung open,
its creaking swiftly silenced --
drifting
as the flames roar and crackle
with glee.
agape, philos, and eros --
three spirits locked up in a treasure chest
but maybe for now it doesn't matter.

--EHC

Nameless.

You are my will-o'-the wisp, the ignis fatuus that cries
Distortion, a bibbity-bobbity-boo, or a dare to to be different.
Who dares? Do I dare? Should I dare? Do you?
With these forms that capitalize on our ideas of distorted beauty,
Why should I be unhappy, and not let these dreams prolong me further?

The brook brooded, and introduced a lull dull mull in which
The mirror sang, reversing images of gall call hall.
I punched it, and sank my fist in the water to ameliorate the pain
It did nothing but tear at the throbbing.

Just as everyone has worth, must time spent on everyone be worth?
Can it be wasted? A mistake, that trickles down glass like a raindrop to sea
Without
Impeding vision of lighthouse, its grand bright beam
Encompassing more than this perhaps mise-en-abyme.

No name no name no name no name
No face no face no face no face
Erase erase erase erase
Blank space
Gone.

--EHC

"Nice to Meet You" #1

Plunk. The copper penny spirals down and lands with a clink.
In this case, unlike many others, it really is "Nice to meet you,"
so much that I don't even say, because I know.

We walk and we talk as the sun envelops us in its soft embrace.
"Where are you from? What are you studying?"
"Really? Me too! How cool! Oh? That's interesting. I see."

Then somewhere along the line a wisp of judgment flies in. A heart breaks.
The subway clangs and screeches to a stop.

What are your hopes, what are your dreams, what are your passions?

Some questions remain for now unasked.

--EHC

Back to the Basics

"Sometimes I wonder if dreams are foreshadows of what is to happen, or instead mere reflections of our innermost desires" - I said this on Xanga back on 1/5/2005.

I'll also share a poem I wrote in '05. October, sometime. Posted it on the 29th, but don't remember when exactly it was written. I don't write poetry very often, and I've penned especially little since high school hit. I've got a few lines here and there, jotted down in the margins my journals. But.. not much.

- - -

"Sage Wind"

Where are you, friend?
Perhaps you are in hiding, or
Maybe in disguise, for
I have lost you
To the clutches of time

Can you hear me, friend?
Perk up your ears
My voice is clear
I hope for an answer
Though I call from a distance
I long for the sound of
Your voice.

Shall we meet again, friend?
Run, run far far away
Escape
From the land of the lost
Let us meet in the middle
Where we shall
Find and be found!

Dance with me, friend!
Let us dance
With the wind
Under sky-blue sky
Let us dance
To the wind
For our new-found joy

--EHC

- - -

It's different seeing it in plain text on a blank backgroun, rather than in my own handwriting on binder paper with a bunch of doodles, but it's okay. The image doesn't show up clearly on blogger anyway.

Regarding the actual substance, I find that I still like it. Even worse, it still fits. I thought I'd left them far behind, but words I indited three years ago follow me to this day.

As for the sentence, I'd say it similarly now - "Sometimes I wonder if dreams are foreshadows of what is to happen... or instead, simply reflections of our innermost desires."

Encouragement

"The Road Not Taken"
by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- - -

I need reassurance. I need someone to tell me not to worry. I need, and really want, to trust in God's goodness and His love.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -- Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

- - -

"Surrender"

Of long and winding, lyric roads
And myriad paths to be explored
Of dreams and paths and causes like
Of these I dream, in them I pour

Some part of me - no! - all of me
that cries and screams and seeks the light
Yet shies away, with diffidence.
Of this I am ashamed.

How hard it is to make remain
My trust in self, my confidence
So if they do, the credit's due
To one and only Providence.

For He gives aide when others fail
And comforts me when down I fall
To Him submit I wind and sail
To Him give I my soul, my all.

No claims on self I make.

--EHC

- - -

"Trust in Him will all your heart; lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."-- Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

Bible study at Kimsa's tonight was good. Really enjoyed it, hope to attend more to come. Grateful for brothers and sisters in Christ.

- - -

And we end..


"Holy is the Lord" - Chris Tomlin

We stand and lift up our hands
For the joy of the Lord is our strength
We bow down and worship Him now
How great, how awesome is He

And together we sing

Holy is the Lord God Almighty
The earth is filled with His glory
Holy is the Lord God Almighty
The earth is filled with His glory
The earth is filled with His glory

We stand and lift up our hands
For the joy of the Lord is our strength
We bow down and worship Him now
How great, how awesome is He

And together we sing
Everyone sing

Holy is the Lord God Almighty
The earth is filled with His glory
Holy is the Lord God Almighty
The earth is filled with His glory
The earth is filled with His glory

It's rising up all around
It's the anthem of the Lord's renown
It's rising up all around
It's the anthem of the Lord's renown

And together we sing, everyone sing

Holy is the Lord God Almighty
The earth is filled with His glory
Holy is the Lord God Almighty
The earth is filled with His glory
The earth is filled with His glory

Pensive. Comtemplative.

Wind and rain and clouds and snowflakes.
Sun and hail and chill and dew.
Breeze and blows and blinding blue.
Droplets, moonbeams, lights too few.
Tempest.

The blending of melodies.
Intertwining of harmonies.
Flowing, running, streaming lines.
Voices crying, straining sighs.
Improvisation.

Passion.

Kindred spirits.

--EHC