To Care To Care: Part 1 of 2

A number of these thoughts aren't as fresh as I would like them to be, for I'd allowed them to ferment for too long before gathering them altogether to stew. =\ Hence the part 2, I suppose. Hah, the ideas in Part 1 here were (and some are) okay at one point or another. Some of the ideas that will show up in part 2, on the other hand, have been brewing for a while, but I just haven't felt or experienced them strongly and comprehensively enough recently that I am compelled to aggregate my thoughts on them.

- - -

I hadn't been thinking in Chinese for a while. Not that I am now, but I hadn't been earlier. Normally that wasn't a big problem, but it bothered me when I was trying to come up with an essay, for it took far longer than usual to get into the right frame of mind. Usually spinning yarns in Chinese came easy, but.. not so much, then. I partially attribute this lecture functioning to having listened to India.Arie's new album songs, which are in English, for hours on repeat for several days, maybe a week, haha.. they're really good.

I guess I've gotten a good deal of practice speaking Chinese, though, over the past few days, with 宇信 and 昌瑜 here. It's certainly been enjoyable. :)

I wonder about cults of personality.. about what makes people want to follow someone and do their bidding whatever the cost.. It's a notion that makes sense in the basics, but when you push the logic further.. only God, only God induces that sort of feeling.

I find the rampantly popular "25 Things About Me" lists interesting, but I'm not inclined to formally fill one out myself. Not a big fan of dishing out knowledge of personal traits in such an easy-access manner, plus I know that I might feel awkward about tagging some of the people I'd actually like to tag (which in this case, equals wanting to know more about). Sigh, social conventions. lol. 'tis why I prefer more personal forms of communication, for then learning about other people comes comparably naturally.

Hm.. I've noticed this tendency before and made it principle, but never articulated it -- I use Western smilies normally and Asian emoticons only in moments of sheer exhilaration or much more extreme happiness, or when feelings more pure. With the Western smilies, I feel too, so it's not that I don't care, but just that I don't feel as intensely, I think. I wonder if that means that my public face is Western and my inner self is Eastern? Hah, perhaps that's extrapolating too far. I would beg to disagree with myself if I said that. They're mixed in both cases. But anyway, thinking about inner self [person] versus the outer appearance [persona] led me to ponder upon the level to which people here at school are good at putting on public faces and sometimes, even well-constructed masks. Not saying that there aren't times when I put on a face as well, but I think I'm getting better about taking and keeping it off more often. More on that in the post upcoming.

Connection -- human connection. There's something special about the bonds that can form between people, and with God too. He sure is ingenious. Yeah. I guess I see this in several ways. Most immediate would be from the movie "Crossing," in which one sees, through his actions, reactions, desires, and words, the deep love and affection Yong-soo feels for his son Joony. Those would be caring on the smaller scale, or at least, that's how my human mind conceptualizes it. Caring because of something -- caring because you're related to someone, because they've cared for you, because you share good memories. Caring because x, y, or z.

That sort of caring has worth in itself, but a notion presented to me by our winter retreat speaker Lisa says that God's love, and God's caring.. it trumps this small-scale human caring by truncating the sentence. God doesn't love (us) because x/y/z. God simply loves. And that's an idea I'd like to ponder some more and talk about next time, so.. until then, friends.

Forest Leaves

I wonder
how sounds your leitmotif,
if it roars, or if it quivers,
or if it resonates with fervor?

Is it quiet, yet inviting, like words that carry thoughts?
Or is it loud with explanation, as thoughts that carry words?
Is it earth and wind and water fire clay and light and air?
Treasures of the memories that you lived, not here, but there?

Perhaps it springs with colors
that wind has carried not
Perhaps it shines with sparkles
as water can and ought

At the core, though, how sounds it?

hm?

Bold and full of confidence,
Or deferent to circumstance?
Chordal, bro-ken, harmony?
Singing, lilting, melody?

Full of crescendos, of diminuendos,
of hairpins that shape but don't yank?
Sforzandos, allargandos, mezzo pianos
and mordants, or lack?

Trills and warbles that shimmer at first glance?
i hope not
Flurry of sixteenth notes that prance?
i think not

I suppose the only way I'll find out
is to hear entirely
the music
in which it sounds.

oh.

Until
then,
"Patience, young grasshopper,
with that I shall be found."

--EHC