Nameless.

You are my will-o'-the wisp, the ignis fatuus that cries
Distortion, a bibbity-bobbity-boo, or a dare to to be different.
Who dares? Do I dare? Should I dare? Do you?
With these forms that capitalize on our ideas of distorted beauty,
Why should I be unhappy, and not let these dreams prolong me further?

The brook brooded, and introduced a lull dull mull in which
The mirror sang, reversing images of gall call hall.
I punched it, and sank my fist in the water to ameliorate the pain
It did nothing but tear at the throbbing.

Just as everyone has worth, must time spent on everyone be worth?
Can it be wasted? A mistake, that trickles down glass like a raindrop to sea
Without
Impeding vision of lighthouse, its grand bright beam
Encompassing more than this perhaps mise-en-abyme.

No name no name no name no name
No face no face no face no face
Erase erase erase erase
Blank space
Gone.

--EHC

"Nice to Meet You" #1

Plunk. The copper penny spirals down and lands with a clink.
In this case, unlike many others, it really is "Nice to meet you,"
so much that I don't even say, because I know.

We walk and we talk as the sun envelops us in its soft embrace.
"Where are you from? What are you studying?"
"Really? Me too! How cool! Oh? That's interesting. I see."

Then somewhere along the line a wisp of judgment flies in. A heart breaks.
The subway clangs and screeches to a stop.

What are your hopes, what are your dreams, what are your passions?

Some questions remain for now unasked.

--EHC

Veiled Velleity.

-Taken over the summer.

I've found myself thinking of home more recently, our 舊家, though, not our new house. 我起床的時候，看到對面窗口挨近的陽光，就會想到我舊房間外面的窗口。I've found myself thinking of Singapore, too. Sometimes there's just too much here in Boston that reminds me of the 獅城。地上的磚頭，the way the mall has 三城樓 and is patterned similarly, the smell of the humidity and the rain, all that and more. And then I miss 去巴刹, and takopachi, and bus #93.

I love how Derrick randomly blasts "Everytime We Touch." My floorboards shake. :P

Anyway, I've found myself thinking in Chinese more, especially in my journal. Not so much these past few days, but in general, yeah. Singdarin, kinda, according to wiki.

Occasional contact with people back home is enjoyable. I guess in general the pleasant factor depends on who's involved, but it's been good so far. People from back home regularly ask how things are here. I'm still not sure how to answer. It's not like if I didn't like it I could do anything about it, hah. It's alright. Life has its ups and downs here, but there's definitely been more ups than downs, I think, so we're okay.

我還好啦，別擔心. =)

One of my new favorite words is "velleity." It's been a while since I've had a favorite word, unlike Evan, who has new favorite Chinese phrases every week -- recently they've been “常常,” “麵包,” and “二十六塊五.” Haha, Evan's hilarious. Anyway I suppose the reason behind my having "velleity" as a new favorite word is born partially out of my current emotional state, which has definitely fluctuated a lot more than it used to since I've gotten to school.

Lesson of the month: Don't engage in sudden movement of any sort immediately or soon after an intense emotional shift. That would explain the fractured fibula, thank you very much.

Regarding the fibula, I'm forever grateful for people here being so caring, whether it be (offering to) physically helping me get/carry stuff or visiting or chatting or walking me to class and places or just asking about my wellbeing in general (some of this applies to people back home, too) or whatnot. Having company when you're in less than tip-top shape is a tremendous boon to one's mood. Yes, Lord.

"Kaffeeklatsch" -- another cool word.

-And another cool picture from over the summer to color the cool word.

I started penning (penciling? =P) a poem recently. It's not very often that I feel like and get around to releasing thoughts in such a way, so.. I'm glad. It's something different, using 詩來表達我的心意.

I wonder if it shall remain a velleity. Maybe yes, maybe no. Maybe you'll just never know. :)

Cracked Open.

I feel so broken here. It's weird. I still don't know what I'm doing here. Why am I taking Chinese, or Ec 10, or even Gov? Back in high school, not many months ago, I thought I knew the answers to some of these questions, enough to mitigate my soul and keep the hurricane under wraps. Now I wonder if those answers were superficial, if they were only something I thought I believed in, rather than what I actually trust. What do I trust? What do I know? Nowadays I have no clue. My reasoning is futile. It goes nowhere.

It's pathetic. It's horrible. I don't have the heart to stomach Neruda, so I switch on JJ Lin and Yiruma and Yuma Sung and Stefanie Sun to soothe my anxiousness. But instead the melodies make me feel like I'm in the middle of a scenic landscape or setting, and as I sit and stare out the window my thoughts rush back to me. They come not full circle, but more in spurts, and together they coagulate and form a blob and rest in the air as if they'd always been there.

I'm looking for an anchor, I'll admit it. Even though I know that all we do here on this earth tries to glorify God, and is all leading up to the day we return Home to Him, I still want to understand what we are working for on this earth. Is that too much to ask? A direction? I suspect many of my travelling companions are just as lost as I am. We're just looking for guidance. What do people do until then? Harvard's full of shopping. Shopping classes, shopping extracurriculars, and now I'm somewhat shopping fellowships. It sure is complicated, but I think I'm going to trust. To trust that God will work things out in His time and will. Yeah?

Did that end resolve seem to jump out of nowhere? Does it matter? Being around people nearly 24/7 almost requires one to have some time to oneself, I believe. Withdrawal periods of introspection after which one comes out better determined to live, to laugh, and to love. Powerful is prayer from people who care. There's something stirring about strangers-turned-acquaintances praying for you as if you were family. My mother sent me the whole of Southeast Asia and her love yesterday. Her letter made me cry. God knows I needed that.

To Him be the glory, for now and for ever and a day.

Mole's-eye view from the Yard

An awesome artistic entrywaymate called Harvard the "academic Disney World," a term he says was coined by some girl. It makes sense. On 9/11 I didn't even realize the day until it was pointed out to me in the late afternoon, and yesterday night I was looking around the Yard and thinking just how much freshman dorms seemed like hotels. The uniformity, the brick, the rectangular lit windows.

People are constantly pointing out how much pressure there is to always be eager to meet people these first few months. That observation holds truth, though it's excusable not to remember or expect to meet again everyone one upon whom once chances. Is it excusable not to try?

Can rays of sun bring order to a universe chaotic? Is that even a plausible link?

What's hardest about college so far, beyond academics, is learning to manage one's time. Setting schedules and planning things with other people makes for accountability, though, which I find very helpful. Regular/reoccurring hangouts are good.

Maybe it's because classes and extracurriculars haven't gone into high-gear, yet, but I still feel as if we're all at camp, that we're stuck in this Harvard bubble. I don't feel like we're going to return to our respective localities, no, but I do feel like I have yet to find my place and make here my home. Common traits with fewer experiences don't seem to be enough, sometimes.

From Under the Mummy Wrap.

One very important lesson learned from C.H. a few weeks ago -- I realized that it means a lot to know where you stand. To know what you may and may not do, to know what you may and may not say, and consequently, to know what you should and should not feel. It's all buried now.

I was out with the rest of RARE two Mondays ago, and seeing their smiles and sunny expressions, I was filled with a sudden, lasting yearning to take those memories and put them away, to keep them in a treasure box, locked up for our viewing whenever we choose to relive the past. Sadly, the most I can do is hold onto those mental snapshots and the precious few digital ones we have. Time, Time, You really do fly.

我幾天前看到了他。
真的沒有想象會在那裡看到他。
我感覺到像一個間諜。
我整個身體覺得更痛哦。

I realized that I enjoy first-person narratives and reflections because I like reading into people's thoughts. It's comforting knowing that other human beings experience a wide range of emotions upon stumbling into unexpected situations.

- - -

Okay, so all that above was written nine days ago. Hm.. since then..

Friendly faces are reassuring when it comes to making decisions based on principle and long and careful deliberation. Whew. I just need to remember to take things one step at a time, in all aspects of (college) life. People, academics, extracurriculars... worry-warts, go away! Don't come again any day! Hopefully the pre-college jitters will alleviate after I get on campus.

Back in 5th grade we had the Triumvirate, a group name that like many others, I coined. And now after 12th grade once in a while I think we may have a new trio, but whether or not and how much it cements remains to be seen. :)

Hm.. another thing to consider -- balance, between 1) the people who have already made their marks in my world and 2) the people who are going to take out their brushes and Sharpies starting this fall. I'm definitely afraid of drifting away from high school friends while we all go our separate ways (okay, Amy and Rica are somewhat of an exception) and meet and mingle with new people. Will it happen? Chances are.. yeah, with a few of us. :( But Rachel got me awesome froggy paper that I can use to write ya'll letters, and with Skype and Tokbox and insert another wonder of technology I think we'll manage just fine. :)

Listen to Your Heart

I saw my violin teacher for what will probably be the last time before I head off to Cambridge in a month or so. And all is hunky-dory, right? Eh. Idk. Gave her a plaque with a treble clef and a short phrase inscribed, "Life is a song, love is the music." I like it. I have one too. :)

Re-interested (it's a recurring interest) in MBTI personality types recently, after meeting up with a future classmate and finding that we hit it off just as well in person, if not better, than we do online. Tentatively (do I need a comma? I feel I should have one, but the sentence doesn't flow off one's tongue as well with one there) I speculate that she could very well end up one of my best friends in college, but hey, it's too early to say, so that's why no name. :P

My reawakened MBTI-type interest also applies to high school friends, so I'm sorry Namson's not around, as he's the only other person I know who's really into this MBTI-related stuff. D: Ah, oh well. There'll be time to discuss when he's back.

And hey, MBTI and other sorts of tests like these should only be used to aide in understanding a person, not as the primary means of getting to know someone. So in a way, not pegging people is a good thing, because if I got to know peoples' type before I took the time to know them as people, I'd probably base my interactions with them on what is said about their types. And chances are, they don't fall completely under one type. I know I don't.

我想要知道 會不會有一天 (yes, that is a reference to my guilty pleasure :-D) when I will be content, by having what Amos-from-the-lightrail said I hadn't found yet. I don't know.. it'd be agreeable to have it, I guess, but if I never found it, I'd be alright, too, I think. God will take care of things. We'll see.

Expos and placement tests and shopping period and meeting new people and signing up for activities and wandering around and.. lots coming up. We're at the cusp of youthful endeavors now, I suspect. Already August approaches. Anticipation and excitement meet with nervousness and trepidation, duking it out to a standstill for now. I'm hopeful, though. We're in for an exhilarating four years if we keep our heads up.

Radiance, arise.

I haven't eaten frozen microwave food for about a month now. A good thing. Before the two Po Pos came, I was eating microwave food everyday for a few weeks. Not healthy in any way.

I met a fairly intriguing person at SFO on Friday that I'd have liked to gotten to know better. I was musing for a few days, might momentary maiden meetings matter much? Delwin replied, "certainly such showings shall stay significant." I'd hoped so too, but it doesn't look like it. Oh well. Ya fail, DW. But still, PSA, all the best to you. I hope you successfully build your own identity as you wish.

Hard to fulfill reading list. I've had little desire to read, unless you count Memoirs of a Geisha. Now, that was difficult to put down.

I wonder about my violin, too. It used to be that I could neglect it for long periods of time, yet when I picked it up again I wouldn't want to put it down. Now I hardly care one way or the other. I wonder if I've fallen out of love with my violin? I've been more interested in piano again, recently, after watching Nodame Cantabile. I decided then that I would no longer accept self-induced mediocrity in any form.

All went downhill after Spain year of SJYS. I hope all comes back together in the fall. I fear being lukewarm. I think I need to join an orchestra again, and to make friends who love classical music as much as I do. I may have fallen out of love with my violin at the moment, but not with the violin itself. I should really get my hands on the Vitali, to heal my soul. I keep losing it.

Crocheting, on the other hand, I am getting along fine with. Below are Mousey and Bunny that I made for the two Po Pos. :)

Got up around 0500 a few days ago to webcam with the family in SG. Groggy and reluctant at first, but after seeing their faces, it was totally worth it.
The sky was gray. I usually don't like such weather, passing it off as dull, but there was a sort of quiet, somber beauty about it that morn. I shall have to rise early again several more days this summer.
Speaking of quiet, I enjoy long, comfortably silent walks. Solitary or not, little matter. When I have music in my head, time passes by just like that *snaps*.
Summer is swinging by quickly -- September fast approaches.

A Piece of Peace?

I can hardly believe it... Richard Sim from SJYS passed away yesterday with a heart attack. Of all people, Richard? Richard Sim? Dear God, what was Your reason for this I cannot know, but I'm praying for his family. I'm praying for his family.

I remember... how he was in Bus 3 in Spain, and he peed in a bottle 'cause he couldn't hold it. I found out when we made a midnight stop at a mini-mart. The word is that Yair literally ordered the bus driver to stop so Richard could pee. And then how he always joked around with Scott and Bo about farting, how he occasionally did fart in rehearsal, and how he could make even taciturn Jamie smile. And how he didn't mind being the butt of most of Yair's jokes, how he could laugh at himself while poking fun of others. How I thought he was a senior in Spain when it turns out he was just a sophomore. How he probably didn't even know my name, but when he saw me making friendship bracelets during rests once at Castillejo, before Spain, he asked me to make one for him. Black and red, I still remember. I didn't have thick-enough thread, so I used double layers and wrapped it around brown yarn. And he still wore it. How when he was Second Violin Co-Chair with Sharon, he'd be so into the music, his poise showing a tad of self-confidence that was defeated when his bowings and Sharon's didn't match. His charisma and the way he'd punch the guys around and they'd poke at his buff self, which played high school football. How his head drooped with shame when Yair reprimanded him for our section, because he truly respected the man. Richard and Yair were chums. How he'd go around slapping guys on the back before making his way back to his concertmaster seat after breaks. His studded earrings, basketball shoes and shorts, and tight-fitting T-shirts. His tiny eyes and ever-showing teeth, mouth oft curved upward. How Lizzie treated him like a younger brother in Spain. The duet he did with Jamie one summer at camp, and "I Love Yair" song he sang the next. How he'd puke after gamely going through 7-8 rounds of Fear Factor. His eating so much that the hoppers would have to go back about 5 rounds just for him. Especially that one time when we had fish. Richard and eight pieces of fish and dressing = hilarious. It was so fun watching him stuff himself silly. Everyone loved Richard. The counselors, the kids, Yair. I always wondered, after I left SJYS, what happened to Richard. I wish I couldn't know what I know now.

Richard Sim, rest in peace. I pray the Lord takes care of you, wherever you are. I wish I could hear you laugh, just one more time. Then it'd feel like things are right with SJYS, that things are right with the world, that everything's going to be okay. Maybe it's bad to have waited til your death to say this, but you're one of the people that make up SJYS. Without you, it truly wouldn't have been the same. Richard Sim, I thank you for your presence, for giving me some of my best memories. Rest in peace.

- - -

Richard's the first person around my age whom I've known who has passed away. It was a sudden shock, saddening, and it sure puts things into perspective. It urges me to carpe diem, for tomorrow may never arrive.

Quo Vadis?

In the past few weeks we've had irresponsible military junta handling Burmese cyclone aid, substandard building codes that led to many deaths in the Chinese earthquake, unprincipled UN workers exploiting children for sex, and so much more to show us that there exists a lot of evil and selfishness in the world.

Still I say: "It is possible to become discouraged about the injustice we see everywhere. But God did not promise us that the world would be humane and just. He gives us the gift of life and allows us to choose the way we will use our limited time on earth. It is an awesome opportunity." - César Chavez

High school's just about over -- in less than 4 days, my classmates and I will have graduated.

I was gardening with my mom yesterday evening, and after I'd dumped the weeds out of the large pot I'd been using to store them, I noticed, for the first time in a long while, the moonlight. It caressed the pot softly, its eyes sparkling as it excitedly coaxed out the tannish sidelong whites and celadon greens in a way ever gentle. I beamed. Moonlight and pots, splendid, indeed.

Later I wanted to ask my mother if she minded sharing -- me. Do mothers have a hard time sharing their children? My mother has become significantly more attached to me in the past two months, ever since we found out I'll be 3,000 miles away come fall, 3,000 miles for four college years.

I thought about it. My mother and mothers in general have to share their children with teachers, preachers, other children, other parents, employers, friends, random people you meet at the post office or the grocery mart, and more. Is it difficult giving up your child's time and attention to others whose intentions you do not fully understand?

I realize the near-certain redundancy of my question, but I don't believe I'll be able to fully appreciate the whys behind the answer until I become a mother myself. It's one of those situations you have to experience for yourself to understand.

Mercurial Melancholy

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air.

















Frightening feelings of fragility. Tumultuous times of temerity.










Moody since last week, mulling over matters unmanageable. Dejected upon learning some really neat people decided to rep Bulldogs instead of Crimson. Very dejected. Went through own period of self-doubt soon after. Thought perhaps should've visited Yale. Didn't know if would bond with Harvard or not. But too late. Will admit don't mind the school. Interested, at least. Then hesitated about prom, yes/no. Volatile soul. Finally reconciled with Harvard. We're good now. Excited. Figured Yale was just a temptation. God knew my fickle self probably would've been been seduced by ol' Elihu. Then would've come an irrational decision, though I'm not sure what I would've done. But anyway, sometimes I get the feeling I'm still in Cambridge. It's like I zone out or something. But then the camera lens refocuses and I'm back in San Jose doing whatever. Sigh. Hah. Mostly want high school to hurry up and just get itself over with. Poignant songs in Chinese school that sum up life and living make me rethink that, though. Now just floating, in limbo, sort of. APs, whatever. Let's get 'em over with.

Come, summer, come.

On a sidenote, I realize I listen to a lot of R&B when I'm feelin' cheerless.

Reminder: Amigurumi.

after letters have come out, before SIRs go in

To all the Prefrosh kids,

"May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand." -Old Irish Blessing

Yeah, I suppose that does sound more like something one would say at a graduation, but that's okay.

Prefrosh wasn't perfect. Harvard was more intertwined with the city (Cambridge) than I'd expected, there was quite a bit of aesthetically unappealing construction going on, and the distance between Harvardian buildings made for what seemed like a lack of community feel. Also, having been spoiled with experiences in nice dorms over summers past, I momentarily didn't factor in just how old was Harvard. One more thing, my fault - those past summer experiences led me to expect a more structured visiting program, so I was a bit bummed when certain lectures/events were canceled.

After I realized what sort of an environment Harvard really was offering, though, that it was giving us the real deal, that it wasn't changing its day-to-day plans to try to convince us Prefrosh to come, things got better. :) I Had fun meeting people and adopting them every once in a while into our group, and just walking and talking and exploring Harvard and the Square and the surrounding area, which is gorgeous at night when all the shops are lit up. Half the time we missed events we planned to attend, being super-late and lax and everything, but it was still cool. Good conversation without the the typical emotional barriers that come with meeting new people.

"If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony. We must discover the joy of each other, the joy of challenge, the joy of growth." - Mitsugi Saotome

Miss ya'll already, and hope to see you in the fall!
- - -
One of my summer plans is reading. I'll probably get some titles from what fellow Prefrosh on the Facebook group are recommending, but here's what I have so far. Give me a title, and I'll put it on the list, with your name after the author's. Most of these are from NY Times and other random reading lists, but a few are personal recommendations.

My now-that-college-anticipation-and-other-ballyhoo-is-over reading list :)

Louisa May Alcott
William Butler Yeats
Robert Frost
1. The Small Rain - Madeleine L'Engle - Kimsa
2. The Coldest Winter - Daniel Halberstam
3. Seeing Things - Seamus Heaney
4. Love in the Time of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
5. Musicophilia - Oliver Sacks
6. Freakonomics - Steven D. Levitt and Stephen Dubner
7. Guns, Germs, and Steel - Jared Diamond
8. The End of Poverty: Economic Possibilities for Our Time - Jeffrey Sachs
9. The Nine: Inside the Secret World of the Supreme Court - Jeffrey Toobin
10. Little Heathens: Hard Times and High Spirits on an Iowa Farm During the Great Depression - Mildred Armstrong Kalish
11. The Rest is Noise: Listening to the Twentieth Century - Alex Ross
12. Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns - Khaled Hosseini
13. The Outsiders - S.E. Hinton - Carmen
14. Reason for Hope - Jane Goodall - JiaHui
15. Ender's Game - Orson Scott Card - Joseph
- - -
Summer plans in general - reading, violin, working out with RARE, crocheting, exploring life and hanging out with friends, job, dorm shopping, learning Latin+Spanish+Cantonese
- - -
I've got Jordin Sparks' "Tattoo" and "I can go the distance" from Hercules stuck in my head.

"I have often dreamed of a far off place [...]
[Where] a voice keeps saying this is where I'm meant to be

I'll be there someday, I can go the distance.
I will find my way if I can be strong.
I know every mile would be worth my while,
When I go the distance, I'll be right where I belong."

Meep. --> Whew!

The first part was written yesterday (4/14). The second, today.
- - -
My title ("Meep") sounds like something Jason would say. Lol.

Anyhow, Elena wants pineapples. Not to eat them - she's not hungry at the moment - just to have them. She wants sleep and no school and certain mail from Harvard to come soon. Pineapples bring comfort, sleep brings escape, no school makes more time for personal reading and music lists, and the mail would complete college decisions for now. Security.

I usually don't write in 3rd person, but at the moment I want(ed?) to complain without (personally) complaining. Yeah, call it immature. Whatever. My frustrations are primarily rooted in the college decision-making process.

0037. Okay, I'll finish this tomorrow. Sleep in a bit. English notes? Whatever. Agh. Not my current priority.
- - -
I'm very happy to say that the mail from Harvard part is no longer applicable. And because that piece of mail brought good news this afternoon, I committed to Harvard.



Funny. It's a relief to know where I'll be spending my next four years. Yay for a weight off my shoulders. May God use my new environment to mold me into the person He wants me to become.

P.S. Pineapples, sleep, and no school, however, all remain very desirable. :)

Please

"S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,
Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo."

-Dante Alighieri, La Commedia Divina: Inferno, Canto XXVII.61-66

James Levine

BSO

André Previn

Gil Shaham

Seiji Ozawa

Kurt Masur

Yannick Nézet-Séguin

Alan Gilbert

"If I thought that I were speaking to a soul
Who someday might return to see the world,
most certainly this flame would cease to flicker;
but since no one, if I have heard the truth,
ever returns alive from this deep pit,
with no fear of dishonor I answer you . . . "

-Mark Musa

Fruit Juice.

I'll be updating this, one line a day, from 2/24-3/31 or so.

2-24 hurly-burly ballyhoo upsilamba diddly-doo
2-25 knick-knack paddy-whack, give the dog a bone;
free your mind, don't be a drone
2-26 Look into the mirror, pray you, tell me, are you truly, fully satisfied with what you see?
2-27 I need a voice of reason in this mad and messy season.
2-28 High school is: standing for the slain, swimming through the pain, singing in the rain...
2-29 May we push through the barriers. May we clear high the fence. May we overcome without becoming undone. Give us strength, Lord. Meet us here.
3-1 The Guggenheim. MoMA. The Met. MoCCA. Lincoln Center.

3-2 As I look to the stars and the space / I can see, I can see His beautiful face / In the world of every boy and girl
3-3 Churning and burning the midnight oil.
3-4 Spinning dreamcatchers with colored yarn. Viva vividness, vibrancy, vitality, veracity.
3-5 Staying up late is okay sometimes. Not all the time. And then we have Scottish Fantasy vs Scotch Phantasy. Mvt. 4, of course.
3-6 Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, never let it fade away.
3-7 Flimsy, fickle, faint, fearful, flagrant vs. .. hm. Felicia! One "F" that trumps 'em all. :D By the way, Felicia, I just realized that I may have lost something(s) of extreme sentimental value. D: I'll include it in the email; you're gonna crack up. !!!
3-8 The art of separation, of detachment, arrival, and departure.

3-9 Spring forward, fall back.
3-10 When you're down on your knees / take a moment / say a prayer / pull your self / together / and Rise again
3-11 You're actin' kinda shady. Why the sudden change?
3-12 Disappearing act gone awry.
3-13 Little kids who do kung-fu are so cute! :D One reminded me of my little 10-year-old Korean cello boy, the Bi/Rain look-a-like, lol. Lion dancers were cool too.
3-14 I relish crowd-bonding over team sports. Goooooooo Sharks!
3-15 Time flies.

3-16 Opportunity is a beautiful word, as is grace.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." - Hebrews 11: 1 (NIV)

3-17 The Ides of March had some good after all.
3-18 Pronto!
3-19 Take heart! Be of good courage, and wait on the Lord. (Ps. 27)
3-20 Internal clock unbalanced.
3-21 5-second pause when I realized it was tomorrow.
3-22 Yay for kind strangers.

3-23 Shaun White boarding is so fun to watch! :D (This picture does him little justice, though; gotta watch TV/vids)
3-24 I don't smell like chlorine this time of year anymore. Mm.
3-25 It was excessive speculation that brought about the hair-raising episode in this morning's extended REM sleep.
3-26 Spilled. Spoiled? Spared?
3-27 Permission granted. Pr. 16:3 Brilliant!
3-28 I guess we'll wait to see what He has in store for me.
3-29 Turtle in a tortoise shell?
3-30 Hawker-centre comme déjà vu?

後來的話

挑一張生日卡寫上滿滿祝福的話
地址寫的是心底 你能不能收到它﹖

你最近還好嗎﹖

快向快樂出發

Dare to Dream.

"To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself." - Soren Kierkegard

True words, true words. I find that I lose my footing when I stop dreaming, and I slip - bad. I become confused, anxious, restless, and then I feel more lost than before. I don't like it.

Two days ago, I decided I'd dare to dream again. I'd restricted myself for far too long, wandering aimlessly and letting anxieties eat away at me. Not healthy. Not good. I find that I do better when I set my sights high.

"This is my brand new day starting now
Letting go of the ways that I fall down
The old can be made new, the lost can be found
The lost will be found" - Superchick's "We Live"

3/22 10 days now. Better than nothing.

Fall to Fly.

This pouch is very cute. :D

Anyway, my dear cousin asked for a update, so here we go. Hm.

Unexpected and/or unanticipated communication with people whose friendship and respect I value certainly makes my day. :) Especially when I'm restless and fidgety and don't want to do homework or whatever other task is at hand at the moment.

I've been seeing quite a few articles on gap years recently. It's a pleasant idea, but I don't know. There's the conventional fear that I'd come back behind everyone else from my class, older than the people I'd be taking classes with. On the other hand, taking off a year to just explore and reconnect with self and spirit is very inviting. It's odd, thinking about going to college. Senior year ends, summer whizzes by, and BOOM you're off and away. If only I had Mary Poppins' packing skills, lols.

18's coming up in about 48 hours. Doesn't feel like it, though. Senior year's been so jam-packed there's little time to stop and smell the roses. =(

Here's a photo of the Kathrine Dulin Folger Rose Garden just outside the Smithsonian.

Back to the Basics

"Sometimes I wonder if dreams are foreshadows of what is to happen, or instead mere reflections of our innermost desires" - I said this on Xanga back on 1/5/2005.

I'll also share a poem I wrote in '05. October, sometime. Posted it on the 29th, but don't remember when exactly it was written. I don't write poetry very often, and I've penned especially little since high school hit. I've got a few lines here and there, jotted down in the margins my journals. But.. not much.

- - -

"Sage Wind"

Where are you, friend?
Perhaps you are in hiding, or
Maybe in disguise, for
I have lost you
To the clutches of time

Can you hear me, friend?
Perk up your ears
My voice is clear
I hope for an answer
Though I call from a distance
I long for the sound of
Your voice.

Shall we meet again, friend?
Run, run far far away
Escape
From the land of the lost
Let us meet in the middle
Where we shall
Find and be found!

Dance with me, friend!
Let us dance
With the wind
Under sky-blue sky
Let us dance
To the wind
For our new-found joy

--EHC

- - -

It's different seeing it in plain text on a blank backgroun, rather than in my own handwriting on binder paper with a bunch of doodles, but it's okay. The image doesn't show up clearly on blogger anyway.

Regarding the actual substance, I find that I still like it. Even worse, it still fits. I thought I'd left them far behind, but words I indited three years ago follow me to this day.

As for the sentence, I'd say it similarly now - "Sometimes I wonder if dreams are foreshadows of what is to happen... or instead, simply reflections of our innermost desires."

Happy Year of the Furried One Scurrying Around on the Floor

Thought this was cute. Paints a rather rosy picture of CNY, but hey, it's good marketing. And CNY's not a bad thing, so whatever.

Some auspicious sayings, and my rough translations:
1. 新年快樂﹗xīn nián kuài lè - Happy New Year
2. 恭喜髮菜﹗gōng xǐ fā cái - Congratulations and be prosperous
3. 萬事如意﹗wàn shì rú yì - May all things go as you wish
4. 歲歲平安﹗suì suì píng'ān - May you have everlasting peace
5. 身體健康﹗shēn tǐ jiàn kāng - May you be healthy
6. 年年有餘﹗nián nián yǒu yú - May your house's portion overflow
7. 心想事成﹗xīn xiǎng shì chéng -May all your dreams come true

Yeah, so CNY didn't feel as 熱鬧 for our household this year, though I suppose one would point out that all our relatives are in Asia, so .. duh. Hah. I dunno. Rica and I both currently have quiet households with at least one person feeling unwell, so we're like, "ahhhhh! The whole year better not be like this!" L-o-l.

Carole and I were talking earlier today about going back to Asia (her to TW, me to SG&M'sia) to 過年 there. Lovely American schedule conflicts with it. : ( I wonder if we'll ever get the chance. Mm. Best not to dwell too much on such things, though. Enough is enough for now.

I've enjoyed this week so far. Really tired, but hey, CAHSEE schedule's pretty nice; it'd be good if school were always like this.

Looking like a fairly busy weekend ahead. AI interviews + orchfest tomorrow, an appointment on Friday, visiting Panda and GPG on Saturday, registry deal on Sunday.. Just think about it, so many people on this earth are constantly occupied by all this "stuff." How do they find time for themselves? Everyone needs some "alone time."

I know I've certainly been meandering lately, despite the several extra hours CAHSEE schedule's giving me. More time away from school doesn't necessarily mean more time for myself. It kinda does. I mean, don't feel so consistently pressed for time. That's definitely a good feeling. On the other hand, I could be more productive. Make use of the time for accruing knowledge and doing humanitarian stuff and conversing with God. I haven't done much work these past few days, haha.

To go off on another track, Alan said that JHU did a study where if you go out into nature and just immerse yourself in the environment for a decent amount of time (i.e. not like 5 minutes, so don't be a wisecracker and ask, "So six?"), you can improve your eyesight. Most of us city-dwellers strain our eyes looking at objects very near to us. Even something "far" away lies 20, 50 feet from us at most. Anyhow, I've been trying the whole "look at stuff really far away" deal when I'm walking home. Hope it helps, haha. I'll have to do it for real this summer!


And as Tigger says, "T.T.F.N. - Ta-ta for now!" : )

Runaway

I think everyone needs to go kite-flying at least once in life.
Kite-flying is currently at the top of my list of want-to-do's. : )

Nova Scotia - Freedom! The blue sky and open expanse look very inviting. Strangely, the white clouds bring to mind SJYS' Summer '06 Field Day. Egg toss and whip cream fights! :D Hah, good times.

Singapore - Kinda static photo, but the layout of all the different kites is cool. Too bad the kites aren't more colorful, overall.

Japan - Kite battle! Vivid, intense blue for the sky. Crimson red characters in broad brushstrokes. Exciting!

Indonesia - Local color clearly reflected in the kite's image. Good. Real people with real manifestations of their ideas.

Guatemala - Amazing. The amount of time and work and energy (why do those terms remind me so much of physics?) that must have went into this is simply unfathomable!

Pakistan - Kite Runner, anyone? The Pakistani government banned kite-flying in 2006 after a boy was killed in a kite-flying festival. A kite string cut his throat. : \

Washington D.C. - I like the butterfly's colorful symmetry!

China - Looks like a rocket. And the guys are in all black. Reminds me of secret societies, bleh.

Antartica - Indeed, people do travel everywhere.

Berkeley - Octopi! It would've been cool if this photo had 8 of 'em, but I like the number 9 better anyway. They're cute. : )

Carefree children - A nostalgic look at the innocence of childhood. Lieth it there still?

And this one's just cool to look at. Kite surfing. Reminds me of integrals. Great. Har.

Come, friend. How are you? Are you having a bad day?
Let's run, skate, sail, let's just fly far far away...

What Matters?

Find Your Inner Human Rights Defender!

You are Eleanor Roosevelt!
Like Eleanor you are a firm believer in the full scope of human rights. You tend to be concerned with global issues more than local and domestic ones. You are very confident and independent and don't allow what others say to impact your judgment. Gender equality is very important to you.

Eleanor Roosevelt was the first lady of President Franklin D. Roosevelt. She was an outspoken supporter of the Civil Rights movement, and advocated equal opportunity for African-Americans. She helped draft the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, one of the documents that defines Amnesty's policies.

Take it and let me know what you got, guys!

Clams and Mussels Opened Up

So this is from Facebook, but I didn't want to add the application, so I'm putting my result here.


Elena is a Wolf
You're independent, strong-willed & often misunderstood. Very few people truly understand you. You're extremely attached to the significant few you love and respect. You often find yourself as a loner, but you eagerly seek the comfort of your pack mates.

- - -

From this NYTimes article: "Senator Barack Obama wrote about his absent father in “Dreams From My Father” and about quarreling with his wife in “The Audacity of Hope.”

John Edwards, the former senator from North Carolina, is the star of a long-running, heart-rending family drama: he lost a son in a car accident and has a wife with incurable cancer and he discusses all of it with seeming ease.

In contrast, Mrs. Clinton has meted out her inner life one teaspoon at a time: a suggestive line in an interview here, a hearty laugh there."

That last sentence is beautiful. Simply beautiful.

- - -

Anyhow, all the above was from the last few days; I was feeling halfhearted, kinda lukewarm (dangerous!), glum, in general. Things were different from winter break at Oak Glen. It's harder to hear God's voice when so many others are around me, saying this and that and who knows what. It's a struggle. And I felt the worst the day I didn't connect with God before school as I had regularly been doing since Monday. I guess I shut myself in and tried to internalize things, but that wasn't the best choice. Life works out best when you have a two-way dialogue with God. It just.. does.

Somewhat better now, I think. Optimistic. I know there's several matters I need to take care of and changes to make, but we're ready. Super-excited about going through this bunch of physics material this weekend. Honestly. I've lots to learn and review, to wrap my brain around. Need to soak in the concepts and truly grasp them. Yay and thanks to Jed for giving me the website. I've talked with Jeff about those lectures before, but I'd forgotten about them. Didn't long consider asking him and David how to learn physics when I remembered that the two picked things up quick as that *snaps*. Hah. Considering probing through the AP Calculus material on that website, too. =)

Actually, to be perfectly honest, part of what draws me to the MIT professor's physics lecture is the board the guy's using and the set-up of the room. It looks very similar to Princeton's lecture halls that we'd convene in every Sunday to share about our classes and their latest developments. Good times, good times. I'm reminded of the intellectual energy and passion that steadily diffused throughout the room, that which seeped into each and every one of us and awakened our minds and opened our souls. It takes a special kind of environment to do that, it really does.

Epidemiology love! Teacher John and Peter the Piper and rats and dead townsmen.

<3

Ajax.

I just found out that I was so close, it could have been mine. But it's not. Instead, it's yours.

I was bitter for a few minutes. Why did I give up? Couldn't I have held out for just a little longer, ignored the pressures? But, no, to do so would have meant continuing to impose on several people who care for me very much, and I couldn't let that happen.

Truth be told, I'd almost forgotten about you, and I think I had wanted it that way, that I had purposely blocked you from my mind. So, seeing your request, I was momentarily stunned. I wasn't sure whether or not to accede. You're the one who now has what I could have had but do not. It's not really your fault, but I couldn't help feeling resentful. And so, I prayed.

After a few minutes, and in the end, I decided to go with my gut and my God. We'd take it. I mean, cleansing of the heart has to start somewhere, right? Gotta scrub out all that bitterness before starting anew.

P.S. Thanks, Jason.

"Search me, O God,
and know my heart;
Try me, and know my
anxieties;
And see if there is any
wicked way in me.
And lead me in the way
everlasting."
-Psalm 139: 23-24 NKJV