Disjointed

At school, I find myself amidst the hustle and bustle of shopping period, and of course, I have no idea what to take for my fourth class. As usual, I have more ec classes on my list than my major would betray, a global health class that might seem random, and a lack of any gov classes. * shrugs * I've been finding a dearth of gov classes that I'm truly interested in taking. PJ suggested the other day that I should switch into being an Ec concentrator. Har. Nah, it's alright. I'm okay with Gov, and besides, it's too late for that now.

Anyhow, the following anecdote spawns the unraveling of a string of thoughts that I've held for some time. I try not to entertain them too often, as they're not all that pleasant, but I met them again today, and I'd like to empty them into this online Pensieve, if only so I may focus on more immediate tasks at hand.

So, I decided a few days ago that one of the courses I'd shop for my fourth class slot would be one at the law school, entitled, "Poverty, Human Rights, and Development." I haven't immersed myself in much pure human rights & advocacy since high school (besides HRiNK), but I figured that the course would be interesting enough if it was related to poverty and development.

But, no. Today, I had come early to class, and situated myself in the back of the room by the exit, thinking that I'd leave after about an hour into the two-hour session to meet MM for dinner. I thought I'd be able to give the class a decent chance, as the professor, whom I'd been reading about to pass time while students filed in, seemed legitimate enough. Two minutes in, though, I knew I couldn't stay any longer. I had looked up from my reading, and the atmosphere in which 80% of the 35-40 students who showed up were female made me uncomfortable, so strongly uncomfortable, that I knew I couldn't wait in line to obtain the get-to-know-you forms that the professor had asked us to fill out. I couldn't even pretend to allow the professor to think that I would be enrolling in her class.

Why did the gender imbalance make me so uncomfortable? I don't have anything against women making the most of their opportunities and challenging themselves to strive for excellence -- no, I very much support that. It was that I couldn't stand seeing a lack of males who cared about human rights. That sounds harsh, but in a situation in which one's presence in a class is opt-in, being there demonstrates that one cares. Thus, if more guys cared enough, more of them would be there. There were a few, but the overwhelming presence of females just reinforced my impression that it's usually women doing the caring, that women are the ones who as a whole care more about making sure people are okay. Sure, there are a good number of men who care by way of the medical field and other honorable work, but when it comes to addressing issues like domestic violence or sexual abuse or humanitarian aid or refugees, it seems like women are most of the ones spearheading the efforts. Why is this so? Can't men care too?

God forgive me for being so weak, but I just can't go at it alone. Not that I'm going to save the world on my own, but I find it distressing that the myriad people who put their lives into truly meaningful work (I realize this is a gross oversimplification of the issues, because a lot of things can be meaningful, but bear with me here) often don't get the help they need to make their work more effective. Things in this world are so interconnected, all of us so interdependent, that if there are any links missing or rusty or broken, everyone else is affected. The gender discrepancy and thus lack of care from a large portion of the population is part of what's turned me off from doing non-profit work, at least straight out of college. Since coming to H, I've shifted away from a focus on pure advocacy and human rights to trying to find another way by which to affect men's (as in people's) hearts. The reason I first chose to study some economics is precisely because that's the language (or a primary one) that the world speaks. It's what people in power, those who have especially much influence and potential to impact change, understand, what they react to. Studying ec hasn't been easy, and certainly won't be, going forth, but I find that if that's what it takes to get people to listen, to get them to care -- for and about those who are suffering and broken and ultimately lost -- then so be it. Ec simply serves as a framework, a tool, by which some means can be attained.

The situations in which the conventional bartering of carrots and sticks simply is not enough, or has become so routine that it no longer produces any meaningful change -- those are where I think the economics comes in, and creatively, too. That's why I like the ideas of social entrepreneurship, public-private partnerships, and other such hybrid means of approaching people in need. I like my theories and musings on the workings of distributive justice as much as anyone else (okay, perhaps more than most people), but when push comes to shove, stuff needs to get done. Talk only goes so far.  Of course, there are the exceptional situations, but most of the time, it's not just about denouncing those who harm others.  It's also crucial to provide viable possibilities that enable people in need to better themselves. That's the difference between pure human rights activism and development, imo.

Ah... I have an impatient soul. These thoughts will do for now, but they're disjointed, and probably also incomplete. God, remind me that works have saved and will save no man, and that in the end, we must all submit to Your grace and love. Remind me that I am no better than anyone else, and prod me to give worthwhile ventures a fighting chance.

(Re)discovering Life

So... I'm working towards a view of life in which I can again constantly say, "God, why are you so cool?" That has been the case before, but for the past few months last semester, it shifted to, "CS50, why are you so cool?" at least 5x a week, and that quota was often filled by the middle of lecture on Mondays. More recently, as I've been looking into summer and potentially thesis research and whatnot, it's been, "[insert some professor's name], why are you so cool?" Hahaha.

Anyhow, I've been coming to see time and again that life is full of trade-offs... there are costs and benefits, opportunity costs, budget constraints, resource constraints, unequal distribution (of opportunities as well as resources), and more. In high school, I used to scorn economics, thinking it was only all that odd trading stuff people did on Wall Street -- making money out of nothing, it seemed. I can't say I'm now a fan of Wall Street, but I do have a keener interest in the study of economics as a discipline in itself.

What else is new? Hm, I've been finding it interesting how my time between Boston and home is split almost as if in between two different worlds -- two-and-a-half, if you count SG. When I leave one for the other, it seems as if hardly any time has passed since I was last there. When I went home this winter, things seemed so natural, even if the mixture of independence and home-cooked food correspond to different time periods since I entered college. As I returned to school, I've found that the camaraderie among people in the dining halls feels the same. I'm accustomed to the ways things function in both these environments, and I like them, but the situation makes me wonder if it's just me who has changed, and if so, in what ways and by how much.

reluctance.

i'll probably (or mabes not) add more to this later, but for now:

i can't remember the last time i was so reluctant to leave home for school.  我這次真的好捨不得離開... 真的好捨不得.  gotta remind myself that He gives and takes away.  He gives and takes away. Ecclesiastes 3.