Celadon Prunus Vase

courtesy of Antique Alive

There was a period of time not too long ago when I wished that people didn't have to leave. It's not that I wished they would stay so I could have them near me, for such wasn't something I could ask. It was that I feared.. feared for the hurt and pain they would encounter as they continued on, feared for the difficulties they would have to face, feared for all the different ways in which they would experience brokenness of spirit, and feared they would not be able to recover.

I guess that was short-sighted of me, for I've come to realize and actively believe that their departures are part of God's desires, for He has plans to mold them into what pleases Him. My self still struggles with the ideas of the hardships these people will meet, but I hope they may obtain the growth they need in God and that they'll be all the better for it. The sad/wistful feeling no longer remains, or.. most of it no longer has gone, at least, and I guess that's a good thing too. In the end, it's all for His glory.

- - -

I realized recently at least one reason why people bring laptops to class -- to stay awake. This holds for me, at least, and curiously, it shows that I almost "need" distractions to stay awake. What does that demonstrate? Could be several things, whether about my low sleep levels, or my lack of love for the class, or my insensitivity?

My fingernails have been slicing the neck recently. I hadn't realized such until I looked down and saw the slashes across the mustard wood. It disturbs me that the marks are so fresh and noticeable, such a large contrast to the dullness of desire I sense toward my studies and other entities that used to constitute me. This chronic lack of inspiration and direction has permeated itself into my writing as well, I can see. I can't whip up sentences of visionary hopefulness naturally as I used to. It troubles me.

Even Aja Tiger on my iGoogle page has big boxy red glasses on and is studying hard. =\