All that glitters is not gold, and all that is gold does not glitter.

During the past few weeks, there have been a few occasions when it occurred to me that I have been making typos, which doesn't usually happen. That realization made me especially uncomfortable because I'm generally a stickler for, and am known to have, good grammar and spelling. To be slipping up in an area that I felt fairly capable in was disturbing and disorienting, to say the least.

So, shopping period for the past few semesters has always been really hectic for me, but this time I felt it was particularly chaotic, with my not knowing if my CS/Gov petition would pan out, and how my music audition would go. There was a point when I was wondering if this was all a one-way train wreck, and thinking, oh, how difficult it is to deal with the loss of self to Christ... this point was emphasized particularly poignantly for me first in the 24 hours or so after my audition, and then again a couple of days later when UC sang the old hymn "In Christ Alone" during Launch.

In the midst of dealing with all that, I know there were times when I just didn't want to face and interact with people, even though I like them. Recalling a point RK made when I expressed to her that I feel awkward or uneasy in some situations -- she told me that she'd noticed, that compared to people "back home" (wherever that is, for each person), Harvard students are a lot more self-conscious of this "awkwardness" factor. Har. For me, it's not about silences -- I am quite alright with silence; it's largely about not knowing if the other person is comfortable in the conversation. If s/he feels fine, and I know that, then I am much more at ease. Otherwise, there often pervades in me a sense of uncertainty about the whole thing... but the times during which I got to catch up with TK and CL recently were truly unexpected incidents of goodness.

With TK, I was initially surprised at how she opened up to me -- we were pretty friendly before her time away, but I don't think we really hung out back then. Thus, I didn't expect her to be so candid about her experiences and what she thought of them. I was grateful for that lack of screen though, because it made me feel like we were already good friends, and I think it'll really help in building our friendship in these next couple of years. With CL, I slapped myself mentally after our dinner conversation, for I had thought that our conversation was slightly forced, but he said afterward that he felt that he'd known me (and another friend who was with us for a part of the time) forever.  I guess that I have to remember that different people have different senses of what it means to be comfortable with someone else, and that it's okay.

And back to shopping madness, and academics -- To retain or relinquish? The subject matters of that question are probably my plans (fuzzy though they may be) and sense of identity for myself. I've realized, and have struggled with this realization, that I have warped perceptions of what I "should" be doing. I tend to consider heavily, perhaps overly so, what's "good/helpful" for future, when it comes to determining what I want to spend time on... it took a long time, and a lot of people to convince me and myself that I would drop econometrics... I'd thought that because so many other people were taking it, that I should too, otherwise I'd be "missing out." This was an irrational thought on several counts: 1) those other people were Ec concentrators, and I am not 2) econometrics has been said to not be particularly useful in the "real world" unless one desires to obtain an Economics Ph.D., which I do not, and 3) So what if it may be otherwise useful in the future? One can say that of so many things in this life!

I struggled with my decision to drop metrics up until nearly the last minute, but working with CS the day after and today were so fun that I'm glad I don't have to deal with it (metrics), and can spend ample time with CS. ^-^ Hehe. There are so many things to learn, but college doesn't have to be the end of it, right? Thinking back on a conversation with another TK last year in which we were lamenting why we couldn't just be Renaissance men and women, well... it's just not possible the way things are structured in the world of academia and higher learning. Bah... as long as we make most of what we have now, though, yes?

To leave things for now -- I think that the second half of this title speaks to it, but I am especially grateful for certain people in my life. Just looking at them and the mature ways in which they approach life and engage with the world warms my heart. For them and their friendship, I sing praise.

And somehow, I think that I have found the name for this blog now. It shall be "心疼 - to love dearly." For that is what I should like my attitude to be when I engage in relationships -- with God, with family, with friends, with others -- with whomever God has placed in my path at this moment. I have been seeing in these past few days that He is very active in our lives in exciting and unprecedented ways... I hope to be a part of His plans, and I know that for that to happen, I will need to draw upon His unlimited capacity to 心疼 - to love dearly.

To be a chalk box kid

Why is elementary education associated with apples in the United States (of A)? Does it have anything to do with "A is for 'apple.' B is for 'banana.' C is for 'cat.'" and so on?

Anyhow, school is starting tomorrow, and at the moment I have too many thoughts swimming around in my head to unload on this piece of virtual space. I would like chalk, to be a chalk box kid.

6/π²

Have you ever wondered the probability that two random integers are relatively prime? The answer's in this post's title. I got it from this article, which made me miss living in Silicon Valley. There's a certain geek culture here that you can't get even @ H. Now, I haven't tried searching it out at MIT... jk.

- - -

AL says i don't post enough in here. that's true, so here's a post, har. A very unedited and therefore unscripted post. Not all of the thoughts going on in this noggin at the moment are here, but there are some, and they are those that can lead to relevant tangents.

--work; we tend to think of it as either of two extremes: fulfillment, or paying the bills

--career vs. vocation; vocare = calling; work is part of our calling

--Genesis 2 when work first mentioned; work predates the Fall; God has given us work ordained by Him

--Colossians 3:23 work not necessarily bad; unto the Lord

--Ecclesiastes 3:13; Isaiah prophecy says that in Heaven we will have work

--calling is the Great Commission to be salt and light, to be sons and daughters of God, and ultimate followers of Christ

--life here is in preparation for a greater eternity

--we work for a glimpse of our heavenly home

--"Go out into the nations and make disciples..." Matt 28

--work as providing value, and accomplishing His greater purpose

^ those were notes from last summer when Pastor Eugene at home gave a talk

- - -

and this was from a couple of weeks ago --

today on the train, on the way home, was sitting by two young men, probably in their mid-20s, who seemed to work in finance. one was very charismatic, and apparently had an incredible work ethic, but he was extremely envious of his more stable, solid friend for having a passion. the redhead wished that he had something he could commit his work ethic to, 'cause otherwise he said it was like steering a train, but in what direction? and he said that money wasn't an issue, b/c he was working to support a family, but working all these hours, how could he meet someone to start a family? and he wanted someone "of caliber," not just random girls he met at bars after work. it was an interesting conversation, and i kind of wanted to jump in to ask him about his obsession with passion and purpose, because i sometimes feel the same way. that i am too obsessed with purpose, that i am purposed-oriented versus God-oriented. which is bad. and CH today was saying not to put your life's happiness in your work -- "I've learned not to invest my personal pleasure in life on my work, or at least not now."

CT's email abt thinking of taking time from school. immediately thought of RK. and how if i took time off, then what would that make her feel? --> :(  'cause i know i'd feel the same if she left. & i thought of how ML and RK and I should just all take time off and discover God and the world and ourselves. hah. but talking it out w/ VL two weekends ago, i realized that doing so would probably be an escapist's attempt at delivering God an irrational and disrespectful ultimatum, to give me the knowledge of my "life's purpose" in one swoop, something that can't be that easily dished out anyway.

i'm too selfish, and indecisive about things that shouldn't matter so much. and those matters don't mean as much as i deem them to, except i take a microscopic view and enlarge things until nothing else exists in my worldview. =\ no-good.

I miss intellectual conversations from high school. i.e. witty banter w/ BH and NN, and the occasional good conversation w/ AH (whom i know will see this, har). BH said, some years ago, "One of the primary facilitators of social problems (and this is indeed one) is the reluctance people (both participants and observers) seem to have of stating the truth." to me a few years ago. i miss him. he also wrote (i'm paraphrasing here), "Though it has its place, courtesy is overrated and may get in the way of communication at times." i agree.

禱告

詩集：讚美之泉 10 - 單單只為你，6
曲、詞：鄭楷

禱告 / Dao gao / I Pray

禱告，因為我渺小；
dao gao, yin wei wo miao xiao
I pray... because I am insignificant.
禱告，因為我知道我需要明暸，你心意對我重要。
dao gao, yin wei wo zhi dao wo xu yao miing liao, ni xin yi dui wo zhong yao
I pray... because I know that I need revelation, and Your will is important to me.
禱告，已假裝不了；
dao gao, yi jia zhuang bu liao
I pray... because I can't keep pretending anymore.
禱告，因為你的愛我需要；
dao gao, yin wei ni de ai wo xu yao
I pray... because I need Your love
你關懷，我走過的你都明白。
ni guan huai, wo zou guo di ni dou ming bai
and Your care; all that I've been through -- You understand.

有些事我只想要對你說，因你比任何人都愛我；
you xie shi wo zhi xiang dui ni shuo, yin ni bi ren he ren dou ai wo
There are some matters that I can only talk about to You, because You love me more than anyone else does.
痛苦從眼中流下，我知道你為我擦。
tong ku cong yan zhong liu xia, wo zhi dao ni wei wo ca
When tears (literally: pain) flow from my eyes, I know that You will wipe them away for me.
在早晨我也要來對你說，主耶穌今天我為你活；
zai zao chen wo ye yao lai dui ni shuo, Zhu Ye Su jin tian wo wei ni huo
And in the morning I will come before you and say, "Lord Jesus, today I will live for You."
所需要的力量你天天賜給我，你恩典夠我用。
suo xu yao de li liang ni tian tian ci gei wo, ni en dian gou wo yong
"You give me daily all the strength that I need; Your grace is sufficient for me."

The video and lyrics are from Youtube, and this is my stab at the romanization and a translation. I hope that it may be edifying to whoever reads it. If you've any corrections/concerns, leave a comment!

- - -

Prayer was the topic of one of the main talks at Urbana, the one by Ravi Zecharias. While I don't remember a lot of details from his talk, I remember his stresses on praying "so that" and "how can" -- praying that "blah happens so that... (Your will be done, You be glorified, and so on)" or asking God how we can use the situation for His kingdom.

With BCEC's recent two-month series on prayer, I've realized that I have a lot to learn about prayer, both in theory and practice. I've seen that there are many passages in the Bible regarding prayer that I can look to for guidance, and I'm glad for that because I'd also to get to know the Bible a lot better. On a somewhat-related note, I like it when prayer is spontaneous.

This blog needs a new name. I put a lot of thought into names, maybe too much. Hence, I don't have a name for this yet. Anyhow, I'd been thinking for a while that the old name was too presumptuous, and sounded almost arrogant, I'd say. Also, it reminded me of the constant ricochet I have between pride and insecurity.. back and forth, back and forth. I think it's better now, in some ways, or maybe I'm dealing with it differently, but in either case, I've still a ways to go.

Yesterday, I all of a sudden thought of how I was talking with someone about jade before, probably within the past year. I don't remember who it was, but I think it was a guy, and we were standing in an aisle of some sort. I remember trading questions of whether or not we owned any jade, and the answer was no for both of us. The details are hazy/fuzzy, but I was wondering why I came to think of this. Jade.. I've often associated it with Buddhism, since a lot of my extended family buys into some form of Buddhism mixed with traditional religion, but yeah. Odd. * shrugs *

好久不見.

I'm not generally a fan of four's (referring to the 4 characters that comprise this post's title), but it fits. Certainly describes the current situation, haha. It's been over a month since I last posted here.. wow~

Some thoughts from weeks past that still linger:

I've been finding that I can't stand in others deceptive appearances of indifference & invincibility, and I recognize that these are also the very masks I often put up myself. Thin papier-mâché, may I still hope that you will one day be transformed new sturdy clay?

Another thing is that I wish I could be more confident in myself, to be sure of what I believe in, and sure of what I want to stand for, so as to not get caught up by the tossing waves. I think I'd rather not live a life full of contradictions.. (yeah, note that lack of absolute conviction there.. :\)

- - -

Hm.. so what's been up more recently? On a "plot level," I've affirmed through experience that I enjoy being a bandwagon sports fan (go Celtics! the Lakers just aren't cool enough as a whole. plus, i met and talked to Glen Davis on the street! .. without knowing it was him. -__- fail, haha), that choco-covered raisins are my downfall, and that I still haven't learned how to make banana chips despite wanting to do so for the past four years (apparently I haven't been wanting it enough). I've discovered some Chinese music again after watching Autumn's Concerto / 下一站，幸福 on a whim, and after mountain hiking this weekend, I will be glad if I don't see any rocks for a long time.

Beyond that, I've also been thinking every now and then about the differences between being "fed" something versus exploring it for oneself/taking ownership of it. I think I'm still in the process of learning to do the latter, but it's not easy, and the answers aren't clear-cut. I still question how much of myself I can allow to be put into any sort of endeavor.. because I worry too much about whether it'll last for the long-run, or if it's what I'm "meant to do," or other things like that which shouldn't gnaw at me so.

Yeah, and even though I've become pretty accustomed to staying alone, sometimes I still feel empty inside (yes, I realize that's not a logically conjoined sentence, since the first part refers to my physical state and the second one more metaphysical/spiritual/internal). Not empty as in lonely, no, but more that I feel like a zombie sometimes. Without feeling. Sigh, not a good thing. I know it's because I'm not letting Jesus fully reside in my heart as He should and ought and rightfully [must]. Consequently, some things that once were so important can be colorless at times now.

It's weird, though. I know -- as in actively know and experience -- that He's not letting go of me even as I'm struggling to understand His ways and His love for man, and for that I am quite grateful.

- - -

Do we ravel or unravel knots, or do we face nots, and slash at naughts? Or perhaps it's best to let seemingly frayed ropes just be for now. Haha, anyway, it does not cease to surprise me how some people don't have to try and they just make you :). How characters in their natural states just mesh and meld, the fit of connections near effortless.

Anyhow, until we meet again~ =)

p.s. I don't understand why recently, random people have attempted to "follow" this blog. Please don't, if we don't know each other -- it just makes you seem like a creeper, kthxbye.

Love One Another

From yesterday's My Utmost for His Highest:

. . . add to your . . . brotherly kindness love —2 Peter 1:5, 7

Love is an indefinite thing to most of us; we don’t know what we mean when we talk about love. Love is the loftiest preference of one person for another, and spiritually Jesus demands that this sovereign preference be for Himself ( see Luke 14:26 ). Initially, when “the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit” ( Romans 5:5 ), it is easy to put Jesus first. But then we must practice the things mentioned in 2 Peter 1 to see them worked out in our lives.

The first thing God does is forcibly remove any insincerity, pride, and vanity from my life. And the Holy Spirit reveals to me that God loved me not because I was lovable, but because it was His nature to do so. Now He commands me to show the same love to others by saying, “. . . love one another as I have loved you” ( John 15:12 ). He is saying, “I will bring a number of people around you whom you cannot respect, but you must exhibit My love to them, just as I have exhibited it to you.” This kind of love is not a patronizing love for the unlovable— it is His love, and it will not be evidenced in us overnight. Some of us may have tried to force it, but we were soon tired and frustrated.

“The Lord . . . is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish . . .” ( 2 Peter 3:9 ). I should look within and remember how wonderfully He has dealt with me. The knowledge that God has loved me beyond all limits will compel me to go into the world to love others in the same way. I may get irritated because I have to live with an unusually difficult person. But just think how disagreeable I have been with God! Am I prepared to be identified so closely with the Lord Jesus that His life and His sweetness will be continually poured out through Me? Neither natural love nor God’s divine love will remain and grow in me unless it is nurtured. Love is spontaneous, but it has to be maintained through discipline.

Yet - 아직도

I've been learning a lot about myself in recent time. Days, weeks, months, semesters.. whence it began, I don't quite know. Anyway, RG, you asked for an update. I hope this is long enough to suffice. :)

- - -

I've been realizing continually that I am not nearly as "good" of a person as I would like to be. That my thoughts and actions are often far from loving, and that I am selfish and self-preserving. That it can truly be difficult to sustain love for a person over time as Jesus calls us to.

But also that negative feelings towards a person do not translate simply into lack of love. I have been seeing again and again throughout the year that whenever I fail, whenever I leave prayers unvoiced, for whatever reasons, be they laziness/tiredness/neglectfulness/etc., God still answers, at the moments when I no longer believe in my ability to impact the situation. [Edit 4/8/11] Perhaps He answers because I no longer believe in my ability to have any effect on the situation.

- - -

I've come to the conclusion that under certain circumstances, I often pronounce myself defeated before I even step foot into the arena. That in considering the whole range of possibilities, I can be very risk-averse. Whether this last habit is natural or has formed over time, I don't know. Oh, to be lackadaisical, carefree, to dance in meadows of yellow wheat and grasses, such is what I wish.

Nonetheless, He is patient. Unfailingly so, and much more so I. For that I am grateful indeed.

- - -

I've noticed that when I enjoy a song, I can and do listen to it on perpetual repeat for days at a time. Most recently this has been with 태양's "웨딩드레스 (Wedding Dress)," lol. I used to say that on principle I don't listen to music in languages I cannot understand, as in don't have a good sense of.

But then I thought more about that statement a few days ago and realized that saying so would prevent me from listening to jazz. And I won't allow that to happen, so such begins the debunking of self-imposed barriers. As well as the learning of new languages? Haha.

- - -

There's a fair number of "good" songs out there, but what crystallizes that quality of greatness in a few of them is the turning points. In Beethoven's Sonata Op.53, Mvt. 3, I find the chunk from half of measures 362 1/2 to the end of measure 363 to be just that which propels the voice forward and gives it purpose to continue. In 웨딩드레스, I think it's the "아직도" -- the build-up of intensity in the stresses on 아 & 직, and then the sort of downward stress on 도.. good stuff, haha. And I like that 아직도 means "yet"/still.

- - -

Recently, I've been thinking about what I enjoy, 'cause that's what people say you should write thesis on. AB said that people shouldn't write theses if they don't enjoy what they're writing about. And someone else -- I forget who -- said that your thesis was your one chance in life to explore what you really want to get to know better.

Eh.. I have two "but" responses to that.. the first is that I hope learning can be enjoyable at all stages of life. Okay, maybe three.. a "but" to that "but" is that I do see how on a practical level, one's thesis is the only chance you'll have to really spend time and energy on something you're truly interested in -- unless you become an academic or something (probs not?). But anyway, the main "but" is that I was thinking sometime last week about what I'd like to write a thesis on, and the first thought that came to mind -- "Bach." And then a groan inside.. how could I possibly meld Bach with public policy or whatever other government-y ideas are out there? In my mind's I see my second-grade self huddled in the restricted area of the library, poring through all the biographies of dear Johannes Sebastian, lolol.. but then my mind fast-forwards to the present day, and I sigh.

Also, after doing a study on music and the perception of rhythms last week, and finding out that the researchers were doing some type of mathematical modeling to learn about how humans conceive of and perceive music, I was like, "Wow, I wish I were doing things like that." I've come to accept that I won't be an Applied Math/Ec major -- there was a period of time during which I'd joke that oh I wish I were Applied Math/Ec, but really it was because I wanted to be able to understand the world in such a way, with intuitive mathematical modeling and all, not that I was really sure I wanted to do that for the rest of life -- but that study made me wonder how different college would have been if I were studying such things, and doing research, and learning about how we learn, and all that. I dunno. Gov's okay, though. I don't mind it. It's not like I have no interest in it at all.. but I don't know how active the interest is anymore. At this point, it's more like I don't know where my most interest melds with the world's most need (for one, I have too many medium-sized interests..).

I think my thoughts are in response to the saying, "Your vocation in life is where your greatest joy meets the world's greatest need" -Frederick Buechner. Yeah, 'cause one's vocation is one's calling, and that seems to be on a pretty high order. I guess I should remember that at no point in the Bible was anyone anxious about his/her calling, that God worked in them regardless, but I can't help but worry because it feels like college is almost half over and I'm not sure quite what I want to do in life.. though I should also keep in mind that it is a luxury to be able to have that consideration of what one wants to do.

Does that make any sense? On the other hand, Mama LZ says, "Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman. I wonder if I'll ever come alive.. or if that idea is too romanticized in our culture of desiring to "learn for learning's sake." But still..

Still, I will trust.

- - -

A few days ago, I was blessed to hear from a friend with whom I hadn't had contact for a while. His reflections were, for me, a sort of chicken soup for the soul, a feeding of the spirit and an opening of the mind. His words spoke of situations both solemn and vast in scope, and in both our minds arose many thoughts, including a lack of understanding at why situations occur the way they do.

SS -- Thank you for sharing a sketch of your experiences with me. In it lies pain.. nevertheless, I hope it is the beauty that triumphs and sustains. I pray that in your heart blossoms a hope the color of azaleas.

- - -

Is this what it's like? To care for someone and want "the best" for him/her and realize that you can't give it to him/her regardless of what you do, regardless of the magnitudes and intensities of your attempts and desires?

But that's probably why we pray.. to intercede on the behalf of others, to lift them up truly to God, and to realize that we are helpless indeed.

- - -

"⁶ Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; ⁷ and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

-- Philippians 4:6-7