Porous

Tonight I am only articulating what I have in these past few days identified in myself. I think there's something deeper that I haven't reeled in yet, and while I usually wait for my sentiments to settle in comfortably before I share them with the world, this time, it just feels differently. So, here goes.

I am caught up in a futile attempt to push the pause button on Time, I am trying in vain to avoid this inevitable turning point, I am doing what I can to prolong these moments, yet I know that in the end it's gonna work out different. Mm. I think that my mind has resigned itself to this certain fate, but my heart has yet not. But you know what? I tell myself that life will go on, because the beat goes on.

I'm stuck between knowing what's better for me versus what I want to do now. Used to be, back in the day, that logic would win, hands down and no questions asked. And why not? Things were logical. I guess this time's different because I've allowed some sentiment to seep in, maybe a little too much? I really couldn't help it - this opportunity only comes once a year. First time July-August 2004 and from then on, from the moment I knew it existed, impossible not to hunger for.

Sounds like a big deal? Somewhat, not really. 'Tis more of a feeling one receives than something outrightly tangible. Well, the material benefits exist too. But that's not the main point.

Blah. I'm already revealing too much here. Even if it doesn't make sense. Or perhaps it does. I don't know. It's fear, huh?

Simple life, day-to-day? I've been living for the today this whole summer, so I guess it's only fair that I spend a good-sized portion of the next couple of months living for the tomorrow.

I really can't imagine school starting again. It seems so surreal. It's unbelievable. I can't bring myself to face the fact that we're all growing up, that life's moving us along, and that sooner or later, we'll have to say our goodbyes. Maybe some of this explains my procrastination habits that have built up in recent years. Hah. I'll have to look into that one sometime. Sigh.

At the end of the day it all has to do with facing fear and closure, and coming to terms with oneself and one's place in life. Have I done that yet? Not completely, it sure seems. Well then, guess I'll have to get a move on.

Laziness

So this is me being lazy. Taking online quizzes and posting the more accurate results here, some of which describe qualities more superficial than others do. Deleted out one absolutely false statement ("tend to change friends easily" or something like that).

For your pleasure and my memory.

What's Your Dosha?

Your Dosha is Pitta

You have a quick mind, a gift for persuasion, and a sharp sense of humor. You have both the drive and people skills to be a very successful leader. Argumentative and a bit stubborn, you have been known to be a little too set in your ways. But while you may be biased toward your own point of view, you are always honest, fair, and ethical. With friends: You are outgoing and open to anyone who might want to talk to you In love: You are picky but passionate To achieve more balance: Be less judgmental of those around you, and take cool walks in the moonlight.

How Do You Live Your Life?

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. You prefer a variety of friends. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What's Your Personality Cluster?

Your Personality Cluster is Introverted Thinking

You are: Objective, honest, and credible Intellectually curious, with many diverse interests More inclined toward ideas than people Fiercely independent and unapologetically unconventional

The Five Factor Values Test

Your Values Profile

Loyalty: You value loyalty a fair amount. You're loyal to your friends... to a point. But if they cross you, you will reconsider your loyalties. Staying true to others is important to you, but you also stay true to yourself. Honesty: You value honesty a fair amount. You're honest when you can be, but you aren't a stickler for it. If a little white lie will make a situation more comfortable, you'll go for it. In the end, you mostly care about "situational integrity." Generosity: You value generosity a fair amount. You are all about giving, as long as there's some give and take. Supportive and kind, you don't mind helping out a friend in need. But you know when you've given too much. You have no problem saying "no"! Humility: You value humility highly. You have the self-confidence to be happy with who you are. And you don't need to seek praise to make yourself feel better. You're very modest, and you're keep the drama factor low. Tolerance: You value tolerance a fair amount. You are open to new cultures, beliefs, and ideas. You have very few prejudices that you're aware of. And while you are tolerant, you do stand true to what you believe.

Mist and snow and haze and hail

A bit over a month ago, sometime in mid to late June, I was talking to a friend, and he was questioning me about a very important part of my life and the decisions I'd be making to influence it. After a few minutes of ho-hum I was able to give him enough of an answer to satiate his appetite for the moment, but I did so without revealing too much - to leave myself some wiggle room, you could say. And yeah, I guess he knew this too, by the looks of the below:

wildmanwu27 (9:23:53 PM): very vague you are

.

Yes, I am vague, by nature. Sometimes I am evasive too. All I know is that I am so to save me the pain of having to disappoint people.

See, there is little question in anyone's mind that people expect great things from me. I do not mean to sound arrogant, but really, everyone thinks I'll end up at crazy places ( = crazy college places) and do crazy things ( = crazy tangibly rewarding career stuffs). Eh. Who are they to say, most of whom have done neither? I'm flattered that people think highly of my abilities, but once in a while, I wonder what they'll all think if I don't make it big. I begin imagining scenarios and mentally preparing myself for the worst.

And other times I berate myself for caring so much about what others think of me. It's not like worrying ever made a difference. At least, not by itself it didn't.

Sigh.

Excuse me.

Irony: something other than expected. A basic definition. Oh, the irony. Irony, irony, irony. Related to ire? No.

Laziness, lethargy, unproductivity. Biting me where it hurts. Lovely. Shall eradicate all those by tonight. Deadlines aid.

Disappointment? With what? Not exactly. Substitutions for what one can't have. Fool? The unknown.

Cranky and splenetic as of late. Excuses.

Pictures painted, codenames ciphered, music messaged, words withdrawn.

Slit and slashed.

They're gone.

- - -

Under the shadow of your wings
Here in the secret place of your holiness
I will wait on you, O Lord, my God and King
Here in the Holiest of All
You draw me near with love to abandon all
For the sake of knowing you, my God and King

CHORUS:
Hide me in the shelter of your love
Deep in the center of your heart, my Lord
How I want to know you more
And keep me in the shadow of your wings
Safe in the secret place of holiness
How I need you more and more
(And more and more)

A Promise.

Amartya Sen and Tom Friedman, I hold you both in very high regards, but now I have to add another man to the list: Mr. Jeffrey Sachs. You are awesome. I really don't understand - I say I detest and have little interest in economics (what's the point, money in, money out) but then I love it when it's related to sustainable development and growth (IPE love!).

And after/in between all that I have a number of other books I would like to finish. First there's Christina Hoff Sommers's The War Against Boys, Ishmael Beah's A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier, and Hemmingway's Farewell to Arms. Then there's John's book of essays that I'm considering flipping through, but more importantly I want to start Faust. Ahhhh okay, we WILL get this done. Hopefully, putting this up for the whole world to see will remind me that I need and want to read, if only because I'd said I would. Ah, there's summer reading too. Lovely.

On a lighter note,
-got to see Emily and friends, chouette.
-HP5 movie at midnight with the girls and sleepover at Kimsa's, yay.
-Janice is hilarious and awesome to talk to.

I shall find a way around the ways of the world. If there lies no path, I will make one, God help me. Thank you to those who provide advice and/or sentiment and/or experience. It means a lot to me, because I really do believe that the reason for our existence on earth extends beyond self-gratification, that we all have a higher calling somewhere.

What I Miss.

It is July now. How fast goeth by time. I was going to type "goes," but accidental pressing on the keyboard gave me a "t," and I improvised, made do. Which reminds me, I must start Faust.

I had something to write before I came to this page. Now I've forgotten. Which means I lack focus. A bad thing. I need to work on that.

My laptop is humming. I wonder if all this wasted energy given off is harmful to one's health. They say waves (I don't know what sort) from cell phones can bring tumors. Interesting. At first I thought, well telephones have been around for a long time and no one's gotten sick. But then I remembered that telephones were more of the electrical sort.

Since I can't recall what I'd wanted to say earlier, I'll write something else. (Edit: The second chunk came out more forced than the first. Apologies. It was just something that I segued into, not something I'd originally planned to write. I've gone over it with an earnest and sincere heart, and I believe I've made many changes for the better.)

I've decided this will be a summer of Renaissance for me. I have no formal academic obligations, and only retail work to otherwise occupy my time, so I shall spend summer reading and writing and learning on my own. Maybe something nice and academic will come up, but for now I shall stay out of classes' way. I really don't want to be stuck in a classroom with a teacher/professor and thirty other students for a set amount of time every week. I think that as much as junior year has brought me substance, its large amount of "class" sucked some life out of me. I do not wish to enter senior year mentally lethargic and fatigued, and I think being in a mediocre and mundane intellectual environment would drain my energies far more than I desire. I'm looking to learn, but not in the traditional classroom setting.

And.. that's the only bad thing about not doing CTY this year. I admit I do miss the lanyard swinging, the hall bonding, mandatory social time, random chatting in the cafeterias, and chumming with the others by way of Ultimate or a good game of ERS, but what I truly miss more than anything is the intensely high level of academic discussion I'd come by. I'd always feel like the stupidest one in class at CTY, but I really didn't mind, because no one else did either. I was able to ask questions without being scorned, and I really enjoyed that. As you might imagine, I asked a lot of questions, especially during my first summer. Why? I was afraid of falling even more behind all those other people to whom I felt at a disadvantage to at the start, people whose minds I could not seem to keep up with. It was really refreshing being the dumb one for a change and not having anyone look down on me for having questions. I liked just sitting there and listening to more knowledgeable folk animatedly explain concepts that had previously seemed abstract, to critical thinkers present discerning views on complex issues, to spirited and lively debaters speak on issues that affect us on a level beyond ourselves, on an international scale. I was constantly in wonder of how my classmates had become the way they were, of what kinds of environments they must have grown up in to become so learned. I always felt like I'd come from some sort of a disadvantaged background, but deep down I knew that wasn't so. It was simply that other peoples' opportunities in their communities were more socially acceptable, more easily attainable. And boy, did they attain. Many of these people, these classmates of mine, had minds like they were from another world, and it was truly amazing.

My experiences could have been very intimidating, of that I am sure. On the contrary, friendly faces made it the exact opposite right from the start. The opinions and personalities were so wonderfully diverse; one felt so comfortable among everyone. And it was wonderful sampling all the thoughts and just absorbing it all. There was so much out there. I really couldn't have asked for anything more.

That is what I miss.

Where has the music gone?

Disconcerted, that's how I feel. I organize my AIM buddy list by where I know people from. My folders say things like "Church," "Chinese school," "School," and "Other Places." Everyone has their place. If I know them at more than one place, I put them where I felt they were a more prominent part of my life. Excuse the pluralities and awkward tense shifts, I know I'm not being grammatically correct. Till recently, things were quite easily sorted, There was no chaos, no mayhem, no hairs out of place. But now I find that to be changing.

The class of '07 has just graduated. Those kids are the oldest "year" of which I have a significant number of on my buddy list. I used to file most of them under "School," but now I'm wondering how to handle things. A "College" folder would hardly be reasonable, in that after a year I myself will be headed there, and then what? Everyone else my age shoved into the College folder? Too big. Mm.

I guess I will make a College folder for now, and we'll see how things go after that. I hope that after a year I'll know how to sort people. Maybe by geographical region by then, or school or something. Yuck, I don't know. We'll see.