Granulated Sugar

These are some thoughts from the past two weeks or so, just.. refined into more readable form.

courtesy of http://www.barefootkitchenwitch.com

--Regarding this coming summer, I really had no preference for where I wanted to be, in terms of domestic/international, hence I'd prayed that God would place me where He wants me, and where I could do His work. When the initial word came from Infy, I was excited about the prospect not because it was "glorious" (the other opportunity I had "seemed" more so?), but because I could be excited about the actual project I'd be working on... I was excited that my heart isn't dead and that I still have the capacity to care about something. I did realize while talking w/ RK that this care is definitely naturally skewed towards processes, though, and that I could use work on caring for people themselves... oh, dear heart. We all need mercy as well as justice and love.

--I received one of the most pleasant compliments last Weds, from ES, about being an international student, haha. Apparently, when ES first met me, he'd thought that i was an int'l student because I have a sense of courtesy/politeness that isn't common in Americans, according to him. Coming from a lot of other people, the thought that I'm an international student would probably bug me, but from ES it's a compliment because he's an international himself. Yup. =)

--I value/enjoy honest conversation with people when they're genuine. In order of occurrence, TK, AC, HS, VL, LN, IC, SWC... those are some people I've been able to trade thoughts and ideas with over the past two weeks. The conversations haven't all been easy -- in fact, more often than not I'd say they spoke of harder issues, or at least hinted of them, but they were good to grapple with. Yup... hope to pursue those more.

The reason behind the slash in "value/enjoy" above is that I've lately realized that while I enjoy these conversations most of the time, that isn't always the case. In the cases in which I don't overall enjoy the conversations as much, I think 'tis simply because I come out of them with questions that had previously tugged on my mind now pulling even harder, and I feel at a loss as to how to address them. This certainly doesn't mean I value the conversations any less. They're still good, just not as easily enjoyable. A few of the ones I mentioned above would fall into this category, as would one w/ AW a few weeks prior. Good stuff to think about.. just.. tough stuff. Really tough stuff, both theoretical and practical.

I suppose I'm struggling w/ a case of existentialism... har, VL thinks I'm an existentialist at heart. Yeah? I didn't know it was possible (is it?) to believe in Christ while being an existentialist... according to a Christian view, shouldn't Christ technically be the answer to an existentialist's wonderings? I dunno.

--BoCo concert to see Lizzie Jones last Sunday! I haven't heard a Beethoven (or anything else) that good in a long time! It made me realize that I really need to see the city more.. I've only a year left! Ah!

--Chatted w/ MJ a bit this morning... twas reassuring, I think. It's taken me a long time (and it's still a work in progress) to own up to the fact that certain, sometimes negative, emotions/feelings/thoughts I have are normal, and while that doesn't make them good (the negative ones), they're not things to beat myself up over, nor things to turn away from and evade. Yeah... I think the very first instance of owning up to these thoughts started w/ LZ during Urbana nearly a year and a half ago, and then w/ RK earlier this semester... yaaar.

Yeah... on that thought, why do humans want/crave/pursue things they know aren't good for them? Why do I? Sighz. I think it's because we think that the object(s) of our pursuit will satisfy us, but in reality (and perhaps we go in with a sense of this already) only a higher source of joy can do so. God, how do we meet that joy? Is it possible to be sustained, wholehearted, and coupled with thorough consideration and knowledge of truth?

Thaw, O Frozen Heart

Too many thoughts to process @ the moment. Not enough time.

Here's a hymn JW posted that I empathized with (and bolded part of):

"O for a glance of heavenly day"

by Joseph Hart

O for a glance of heavenly day,

To take this stubborn heart away,

And thaw, with beams of love divine,

This heart, this frozen heart of mine.

The rocks can rend; the earth can quake;

The seas can roar; the mountains shake:

Of feeling, all things show some sign,

But this unfeeling heart of mine.

To hear the sorrows Thou hast felt,

O Lord, an adamant would melt:

But I can read each moving line,

And nothing moves this heart of mine.

Thy judgments, too, which devils fear—

Amazing thought! unmoved I hear;

Goodness and wrath in vain combine

To stir this stupid heart of mine.

But something yet can do the deed;

And that dear something much I need:

Thy Spirit can from dross refine,

And move and melt this heart of mine

Of Solitude and Society

I've been ruminating on the topic "of solitude and society," as says Adam Smith. I'm currently experiencing a mix of jetlag, illness, and a dash of torpor/fatigue, and the last part will pass first, soon, I think, but the overall combination of the three is incapacitating. In short, I'm not feeling well, and I think that such feeling has permeated into my interactions with people (or attempts to restrict those), too... I haven't been able to engage in some conversations as actively as I would've liked, I've lacked the energy to attempt to remedy a couple of sticky situations, and I've generally refrained from seeking people out. Not that it's been all bad -- no, not at all, but it certainly has been interesting thinking about it.

swing left

the ice has cracked
the snow has melted
the sun has risen
my feet point home

i make a left
go up the street
my ears are cold
i pause

the gate is open
left unlatched
i hesitate
then draw near

the rubber surprises me
then i adjust
the twisted metal
'8' no more

i look up
scan left to right
colored chalk
on windows in brick

turning
i look around me
no one in sight
dare i?

plop.
my feet touch the ground
a moment later
i get up

this world
am i of it no more?
can it ever be mine again?

what keeps me (from) going forward?

--eHc

Seams and scars and stitches.

I am reading about healthcare and insurance and the provision of medical services now. It is not uninteresting, and my mind is not distracted much by other things, but still I cannot concentrate on the excerpt in front of me. I might as well share some thoughts while I'm here..

"The word religion derives from the Latin verb religare, which means to bind together again that which was once bound but has since been torn or broken; to heal." -- Michael Perry, in Legal Rights: Historical and Philosophical Perspectives

I like this sentence.  I came across it in one of my philosophy readings last week, and its reference to healing makes me think of how awe-inspiring it is when our bodies repair themselves.  On the issue of repair, the word "repair" comes from the Latin verb reparere, which is composed of "re-" 'back,' and "parere" 'make ready.'  So to repair is, in essence, "to make ready again." What joy it is to know that not only do our bodies fix themselves when something is amiss, but that they also prepare us to go forward in experiencing life.

I find that this semester, more than any other, I've been constantly rushing from class to meeting to appointment to info session to activity and what-have-you else. It's different, and while it's been bearable so far, I'm not sure it's a good thing entirely. It's strange. I feel that I have more time being alone to think, but I find that I spend the seconds mind-wandering to what engagement I have to rush to next, instead of utilizing the time on matters more important and dear to me. I would like to soon rest in Christ and actually experience life in the moment.

God, will You repair me? I've many a seam to be stitched up, and if there need be scarring, I'll know at least that the marks are reminders and signs of Your love. For the Lord disciplines those He loves...

momentos

she asks me if i still care, or if things have shifted.
i don't know, i say. i don't think do. i don't think they have. there's nowhere they could've gone.

right?

how unexpected. your absent presence has come into conversation again.
strange that the meeting of hearts is solely between she and I, yet the twine is laced with others' as well.

--eHc

the words just won't come.

apologies. the floodgates are guarded. arise? i can't, at the moment.

Shall we promène by the sea,

the glint of ocean grey in our eyes?

deep calls out, for request
of
answer

in vain


why so silent?


have we packed up, put on, withdrawn --

become shells?


--eHc