Mole's-eye view from the Yard

An awesome artistic entrywaymate called Harvard the "academic Disney World," a term he says was coined by some girl. It makes sense. On 9/11 I didn't even realize the day until it was pointed out to me in the late afternoon, and yesterday night I was looking around the Yard and thinking just how much freshman dorms seemed like hotels. The uniformity, the brick, the rectangular lit windows.

People are constantly pointing out how much pressure there is to always be eager to meet people these first few months. That observation holds truth, though it's excusable not to remember or expect to meet again everyone one upon whom once chances. Is it excusable not to try?

Can rays of sun bring order to a universe chaotic? Is that even a plausible link?

What's hardest about college so far, beyond academics, is learning to manage one's time. Setting schedules and planning things with other people makes for accountability, though, which I find very helpful. Regular/reoccurring hangouts are good.

Maybe it's because classes and extracurriculars haven't gone into high-gear, yet, but I still feel as if we're all at camp, that we're stuck in this Harvard bubble. I don't feel like we're going to return to our respective localities, no, but I do feel like I have yet to find my place and make here my home. Common traits with fewer experiences don't seem to be enough, sometimes.

From Under the Mummy Wrap.

One very important lesson learned from C.H. a few weeks ago -- I realized that it means a lot to know where you stand. To know what you may and may not do, to know what you may and may not say, and consequently, to know what you should and should not feel. It's all buried now.

I was out with the rest of RARE two Mondays ago, and seeing their smiles and sunny expressions, I was filled with a sudden, lasting yearning to take those memories and put them away, to keep them in a treasure box, locked up for our viewing whenever we choose to relive the past. Sadly, the most I can do is hold onto those mental snapshots and the precious few digital ones we have. Time, Time, You really do fly.

我幾天前看到了他。
真的沒有想象會在那裡看到他。
我感覺到像一個間諜。
我整個身體覺得更痛哦。

I realized that I enjoy first-person narratives and reflections because I like reading into people's thoughts. It's comforting knowing that other human beings experience a wide range of emotions upon stumbling into unexpected situations.

- - -

Okay, so all that above was written nine days ago. Hm.. since then..

Friendly faces are reassuring when it comes to making decisions based on principle and long and careful deliberation. Whew. I just need to remember to take things one step at a time, in all aspects of (college) life. People, academics, extracurriculars... worry-warts, go away! Don't come again any day! Hopefully the pre-college jitters will alleviate after I get on campus.

Back in 5th grade we had the Triumvirate, a group name that like many others, I coined. And now after 12th grade once in a while I think we may have a new trio, but whether or not and how much it cements remains to be seen. :)

Hm.. another thing to consider -- balance, between 1) the people who have already made their marks in my world and 2) the people who are going to take out their brushes and Sharpies starting this fall. I'm definitely afraid of drifting away from high school friends while we all go our separate ways (okay, Amy and Rica are somewhat of an exception) and meet and mingle with new people. Will it happen? Chances are.. yeah, with a few of us. :( But Rachel got me awesome froggy paper that I can use to write ya'll letters, and with Skype and Tokbox and insert another wonder of technology I think we'll manage just fine. :)

Listen to Your Heart

I saw my violin teacher for what will probably be the last time before I head off to Cambridge in a month or so. And all is hunky-dory, right? Eh. Idk. Gave her a plaque with a treble clef and a short phrase inscribed, "Life is a song, love is the music." I like it. I have one too. :)

Re-interested (it's a recurring interest) in MBTI personality types recently, after meeting up with a future classmate and finding that we hit it off just as well in person, if not better, than we do online. Tentatively (do I need a comma? I feel I should have one, but the sentence doesn't flow off one's tongue as well with one there) I speculate that she could very well end up one of my best friends in college, but hey, it's too early to say, so that's why no name. :P

My reawakened MBTI-type interest also applies to high school friends, so I'm sorry Namson's not around, as he's the only other person I know who's really into this MBTI-related stuff. D: Ah, oh well. There'll be time to discuss when he's back.

And hey, MBTI and other sorts of tests like these should only be used to aide in understanding a person, not as the primary means of getting to know someone. So in a way, not pegging people is a good thing, because if I got to know peoples' type before I took the time to know them as people, I'd probably base my interactions with them on what is said about their types. And chances are, they don't fall completely under one type. I know I don't.

我想要知道 會不會有一天 (yes, that is a reference to my guilty pleasure :-D) when I will be content, by having what Amos-from-the-lightrail said I hadn't found yet. I don't know.. it'd be agreeable to have it, I guess, but if I never found it, I'd be alright, too, I think. God will take care of things. We'll see.

Expos and placement tests and shopping period and meeting new people and signing up for activities and wandering around and.. lots coming up. We're at the cusp of youthful endeavors now, I suspect. Already August approaches. Anticipation and excitement meet with nervousness and trepidation, duking it out to a standstill for now. I'm hopeful, though. We're in for an exhilarating four years if we keep our heads up.

Radiance, arise.

I haven't eaten frozen microwave food for about a month now. A good thing. Before the two Po Pos came, I was eating microwave food everyday for a few weeks. Not healthy in any way.

I met a fairly intriguing person at SFO on Friday that I'd have liked to gotten to know better. I was musing for a few days, might momentary maiden meetings matter much? Delwin replied, "certainly such showings shall stay significant." I'd hoped so too, but it doesn't look like it. Oh well. Ya fail, DW. But still, PSA, all the best to you. I hope you successfully build your own identity as you wish.

Hard to fulfill reading list. I've had little desire to read, unless you count Memoirs of a Geisha. Now, that was difficult to put down.

I wonder about my violin, too. It used to be that I could neglect it for long periods of time, yet when I picked it up again I wouldn't want to put it down. Now I hardly care one way or the other. I wonder if I've fallen out of love with my violin? I've been more interested in piano again, recently, after watching Nodame Cantabile. I decided then that I would no longer accept self-induced mediocrity in any form.

All went downhill after Spain year of SJYS. I hope all comes back together in the fall. I fear being lukewarm. I think I need to join an orchestra again, and to make friends who love classical music as much as I do. I may have fallen out of love with my violin at the moment, but not with the violin itself. I should really get my hands on the Vitali, to heal my soul. I keep losing it.

Crocheting, on the other hand, I am getting along fine with. Below are Mousey and Bunny that I made for the two Po Pos. :)

Got up around 0500 a few days ago to webcam with the family in SG. Groggy and reluctant at first, but after seeing their faces, it was totally worth it.
The sky was gray. I usually don't like such weather, passing it off as dull, but there was a sort of quiet, somber beauty about it that morn. I shall have to rise early again several more days this summer.
Speaking of quiet, I enjoy long, comfortably silent walks. Solitary or not, little matter. When I have music in my head, time passes by just like that *snaps*.
Summer is swinging by quickly -- September fast approaches.

A Piece of Peace?

I can hardly believe it... Richard Sim from SJYS passed away yesterday with a heart attack. Of all people, Richard? Richard Sim? Dear God, what was Your reason for this I cannot know, but I'm praying for his family. I'm praying for his family.

I remember... how he was in Bus 3 in Spain, and he peed in a bottle 'cause he couldn't hold it. I found out when we made a midnight stop at a mini-mart. The word is that Yair literally ordered the bus driver to stop so Richard could pee. And then how he always joked around with Scott and Bo about farting, how he occasionally did fart in rehearsal, and how he could make even taciturn Jamie smile. And how he didn't mind being the butt of most of Yair's jokes, how he could laugh at himself while poking fun of others. How I thought he was a senior in Spain when it turns out he was just a sophomore. How he probably didn't even know my name, but when he saw me making friendship bracelets during rests once at Castillejo, before Spain, he asked me to make one for him. Black and red, I still remember. I didn't have thick-enough thread, so I used double layers and wrapped it around brown yarn. And he still wore it. How when he was Second Violin Co-Chair with Sharon, he'd be so into the music, his poise showing a tad of self-confidence that was defeated when his bowings and Sharon's didn't match. His charisma and the way he'd punch the guys around and they'd poke at his buff self, which played high school football. How his head drooped with shame when Yair reprimanded him for our section, because he truly respected the man. Richard and Yair were chums. How he'd go around slapping guys on the back before making his way back to his concertmaster seat after breaks. His studded earrings, basketball shoes and shorts, and tight-fitting T-shirts. His tiny eyes and ever-showing teeth, mouth oft curved upward. How Lizzie treated him like a younger brother in Spain. The duet he did with Jamie one summer at camp, and "I Love Yair" song he sang the next. How he'd puke after gamely going through 7-8 rounds of Fear Factor. His eating so much that the hoppers would have to go back about 5 rounds just for him. Especially that one time when we had fish. Richard and eight pieces of fish and dressing = hilarious. It was so fun watching him stuff himself silly. Everyone loved Richard. The counselors, the kids, Yair. I always wondered, after I left SJYS, what happened to Richard. I wish I couldn't know what I know now.

Richard Sim, rest in peace. I pray the Lord takes care of you, wherever you are. I wish I could hear you laugh, just one more time. Then it'd feel like things are right with SJYS, that things are right with the world, that everything's going to be okay. Maybe it's bad to have waited til your death to say this, but you're one of the people that make up SJYS. Without you, it truly wouldn't have been the same. Richard Sim, I thank you for your presence, for giving me some of my best memories. Rest in peace.

- - -

Richard's the first person around my age whom I've known who has passed away. It was a sudden shock, saddening, and it sure puts things into perspective. It urges me to carpe diem, for tomorrow may never arrive.

Quo Vadis?

In the past few weeks we've had irresponsible military junta handling Burmese cyclone aid, substandard building codes that led to many deaths in the Chinese earthquake, unprincipled UN workers exploiting children for sex, and so much more to show us that there exists a lot of evil and selfishness in the world.

Still I say: "It is possible to become discouraged about the injustice we see everywhere. But God did not promise us that the world would be humane and just. He gives us the gift of life and allows us to choose the way we will use our limited time on earth. It is an awesome opportunity." - César Chavez

High school's just about over -- in less than 4 days, my classmates and I will have graduated.

I was gardening with my mom yesterday evening, and after I'd dumped the weeds out of the large pot I'd been using to store them, I noticed, for the first time in a long while, the moonlight. It caressed the pot softly, its eyes sparkling as it excitedly coaxed out the tannish sidelong whites and celadon greens in a way ever gentle. I beamed. Moonlight and pots, splendid, indeed.

Later I wanted to ask my mother if she minded sharing -- me. Do mothers have a hard time sharing their children? My mother has become significantly more attached to me in the past two months, ever since we found out I'll be 3,000 miles away come fall, 3,000 miles for four college years.

I thought about it. My mother and mothers in general have to share their children with teachers, preachers, other children, other parents, employers, friends, random people you meet at the post office or the grocery mart, and more. Is it difficult giving up your child's time and attention to others whose intentions you do not fully understand?

I realize the near-certain redundancy of my question, but I don't believe I'll be able to fully appreciate the whys behind the answer until I become a mother myself. It's one of those situations you have to experience for yourself to understand.

Mercurial Melancholy

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air.

















Frightening feelings of fragility. Tumultuous times of temerity.










Moody since last week, mulling over matters unmanageable. Dejected upon learning some really neat people decided to rep Bulldogs instead of Crimson. Very dejected. Went through own period of self-doubt soon after. Thought perhaps should've visited Yale. Didn't know if would bond with Harvard or not. But too late. Will admit don't mind the school. Interested, at least. Then hesitated about prom, yes/no. Volatile soul. Finally reconciled with Harvard. We're good now. Excited. Figured Yale was just a temptation. God knew my fickle self probably would've been been seduced by ol' Elihu. Then would've come an irrational decision, though I'm not sure what I would've done. But anyway, sometimes I get the feeling I'm still in Cambridge. It's like I zone out or something. But then the camera lens refocuses and I'm back in San Jose doing whatever. Sigh. Hah. Mostly want high school to hurry up and just get itself over with. Poignant songs in Chinese school that sum up life and living make me rethink that, though. Now just floating, in limbo, sort of. APs, whatever. Let's get 'em over with.

Come, summer, come.

On a sidenote, I realize I listen to a lot of R&B when I'm feelin' cheerless.

Reminder: Amigurumi.