Cranky Cranes.

I had planned to add more poems, but I haven't felt up to it, so it's back to prose for now. 'Tis more natural, anyway.

I was skimming a woman's blog some weeks ago, and this jumped out at me -- she noted that in our world, people are constantly trying to find out what they’re meant to do, trying to somehow validate their existence and do something “meaningful.” Yeah, makes sense. Seems like at the core we're afraid of death. We want to influence something or somebody or somewhere, to leave our marks on the world, afraid we’ll be forgotten, or that our existence never had any meaning in the first place. Mm.

So I was talking about life and after-college-stuff with Namson and Rica some weeks ago, and the twists and turns my interests have taken since the end of high school. In high school I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life, but in retrospect I've realized that perhaps I never really had a firm grasp on the idea in the first place, that I was thinking of things as I thought they would be and idealizing them. Could be. All that means is more exploring to do, this semester and those ensuing.

Yesterday at the SAMA event, one of the 姊姊s was talking about her time in Expos a few years ago and how she was criticized by her preceptor for writing in a passive voice, and that it was a British thing. It was then that I rerealized that while I very much like dynamic verbs, and consider them as my favorite part of speech, writing in a passive voice comes naturally to me, too. I have two speculations as to why this is: 1) By nature I don't like to blame people for things, in the off-chance that they are not actually the ones responsible -- innocent until proven guilty, civilians 2) Perhaps this comes from my passing time by reading S'porean grammar books when growing up. Nature vs. nurture, no?

I used to wonder how to use words to depict colors (apparently about two years ago, according to my blog search). There's this old Chinese folk tale about a blind man and a boy who tried to describe the sunset to him. I think the old man ended up turning into a crane when he died, or something. I forget (speaking of cranes, I have a whooping crane of a cough). Anyway, now I wonder more how to use words to sound music.

Home is farther than it seems, and seems much farther than it is. :\ Yeah, I actually miss home more now, as compared with the beginning of the year. It's odd, but whatever.

Nameless.

You are my will-o'-the wisp, the ignis fatuus that cries
Distortion, a bibbity-bobbity-boo, or a dare to to be different.
Who dares? Do I dare? Should I dare? Do you?
With these forms that capitalize on our ideas of distorted beauty,
Why should I be unhappy, and not let these dreams prolong me further?

The brook brooded, and introduced a lull dull mull in which
The mirror sang, reversing images of gall call hall.
I punched it, and sank my fist in the water to ameliorate the pain
It did nothing but tear at the throbbing.

Just as everyone has worth, must time spent on everyone be worth?
Can it be wasted? A mistake, that trickles down glass like a raindrop to sea
Without
Impeding vision of lighthouse, its grand bright beam
Encompassing more than this perhaps mise-en-abyme.

No name no name no name no name
No face no face no face no face
Erase erase erase erase
Blank space
Gone.

--EHC

"Nice to Meet You" #1

Plunk. The copper penny spirals down and lands with a clink.
In this case, unlike many others, it really is "Nice to meet you,"
so much that I don't even say, because I know.

We walk and we talk as the sun envelops us in its soft embrace.
"Where are you from? What are you studying?"
"Really? Me too! How cool! Oh? That's interesting. I see."

Then somewhere along the line a wisp of judgment flies in. A heart breaks.
The subway clangs and screeches to a stop.

What are your hopes, what are your dreams, what are your passions?

Some questions remain for now unasked.

--EHC

Veiled Velleity.

-Taken over the summer.

I've found myself thinking of home more recently, our 舊家, though, not our new house. 我起床的時候，看到對面窗口挨近的陽光，就會想到我舊房間外面的窗口。I've found myself thinking of Singapore, too. Sometimes there's just too much here in Boston that reminds me of the 獅城。地上的磚頭，the way the mall has 三城樓 and is patterned similarly, the smell of the humidity and the rain, all that and more. And then I miss 去巴刹, and takopachi, and bus #93.

I love how Derrick randomly blasts "Everytime We Touch." My floorboards shake. :P

Anyway, I've found myself thinking in Chinese more, especially in my journal. Not so much these past few days, but in general, yeah. Singdarin, kinda, according to wiki.

Occasional contact with people back home is enjoyable. I guess in general the pleasant factor depends on who's involved, but it's been good so far. People from back home regularly ask how things are here. I'm still not sure how to answer. It's not like if I didn't like it I could do anything about it, hah. It's alright. Life has its ups and downs here, but there's definitely been more ups than downs, I think, so we're okay.

我還好啦，別擔心. =)

One of my new favorite words is "velleity." It's been a while since I've had a favorite word, unlike Evan, who has new favorite Chinese phrases every week -- recently they've been “常常,” “麵包,” and “二十六塊五.” Haha, Evan's hilarious. Anyway I suppose the reason behind my having "velleity" as a new favorite word is born partially out of my current emotional state, which has definitely fluctuated a lot more than it used to since I've gotten to school.

Lesson of the month: Don't engage in sudden movement of any sort immediately or soon after an intense emotional shift. That would explain the fractured fibula, thank you very much.

Regarding the fibula, I'm forever grateful for people here being so caring, whether it be (offering to) physically helping me get/carry stuff or visiting or chatting or walking me to class and places or just asking about my wellbeing in general (some of this applies to people back home, too) or whatnot. Having company when you're in less than tip-top shape is a tremendous boon to one's mood. Yes, Lord.

"Kaffeeklatsch" -- another cool word.

-And another cool picture from over the summer to color the cool word.

I started penning (penciling? =P) a poem recently. It's not very often that I feel like and get around to releasing thoughts in such a way, so.. I'm glad. It's something different, using 詩來表達我的心意.

I wonder if it shall remain a velleity. Maybe yes, maybe no. Maybe you'll just never know. :)

Cracked Open.

I feel so broken here. It's weird. I still don't know what I'm doing here. Why am I taking Chinese, or Ec 10, or even Gov? Back in high school, not many months ago, I thought I knew the answers to some of these questions, enough to mitigate my soul and keep the hurricane under wraps. Now I wonder if those answers were superficial, if they were only something I thought I believed in, rather than what I actually trust. What do I trust? What do I know? Nowadays I have no clue. My reasoning is futile. It goes nowhere.

It's pathetic. It's horrible. I don't have the heart to stomach Neruda, so I switch on JJ Lin and Yiruma and Yuma Sung and Stefanie Sun to soothe my anxiousness. But instead the melodies make me feel like I'm in the middle of a scenic landscape or setting, and as I sit and stare out the window my thoughts rush back to me. They come not full circle, but more in spurts, and together they coagulate and form a blob and rest in the air as if they'd always been there.

I'm looking for an anchor, I'll admit it. Even though I know that all we do here on this earth tries to glorify God, and is all leading up to the day we return Home to Him, I still want to understand what we are working for on this earth. Is that too much to ask? A direction? I suspect many of my travelling companions are just as lost as I am. We're just looking for guidance. What do people do until then? Harvard's full of shopping. Shopping classes, shopping extracurriculars, and now I'm somewhat shopping fellowships. It sure is complicated, but I think I'm going to trust. To trust that God will work things out in His time and will. Yeah?

Did that end resolve seem to jump out of nowhere? Does it matter? Being around people nearly 24/7 almost requires one to have some time to oneself, I believe. Withdrawal periods of introspection after which one comes out better determined to live, to laugh, and to love. Powerful is prayer from people who care. There's something stirring about strangers-turned-acquaintances praying for you as if you were family. My mother sent me the whole of Southeast Asia and her love yesterday. Her letter made me cry. God knows I needed that.

To Him be the glory, for now and for ever and a day.

Mole's-eye view from the Yard

An awesome artistic entrywaymate called Harvard the "academic Disney World," a term he says was coined by some girl. It makes sense. On 9/11 I didn't even realize the day until it was pointed out to me in the late afternoon, and yesterday night I was looking around the Yard and thinking just how much freshman dorms seemed like hotels. The uniformity, the brick, the rectangular lit windows.

People are constantly pointing out how much pressure there is to always be eager to meet people these first few months. That observation holds truth, though it's excusable not to remember or expect to meet again everyone one upon whom once chances. Is it excusable not to try?

Can rays of sun bring order to a universe chaotic? Is that even a plausible link?

What's hardest about college so far, beyond academics, is learning to manage one's time. Setting schedules and planning things with other people makes for accountability, though, which I find very helpful. Regular/reoccurring hangouts are good.

Maybe it's because classes and extracurriculars haven't gone into high-gear, yet, but I still feel as if we're all at camp, that we're stuck in this Harvard bubble. I don't feel like we're going to return to our respective localities, no, but I do feel like I have yet to find my place and make here my home. Common traits with fewer experiences don't seem to be enough, sometimes.

From Under the Mummy Wrap.

One very important lesson learned from C.H. a few weeks ago -- I realized that it means a lot to know where you stand. To know what you may and may not do, to know what you may and may not say, and consequently, to know what you should and should not feel. It's all buried now.

I was out with the rest of RARE two Mondays ago, and seeing their smiles and sunny expressions, I was filled with a sudden, lasting yearning to take those memories and put them away, to keep them in a treasure box, locked up for our viewing whenever we choose to relive the past. Sadly, the most I can do is hold onto those mental snapshots and the precious few digital ones we have. Time, Time, You really do fly.

我幾天前看到了他。
真的沒有想象會在那裡看到他。
我感覺到像一個間諜。
我整個身體覺得更痛哦。

I realized that I enjoy first-person narratives and reflections because I like reading into people's thoughts. It's comforting knowing that other human beings experience a wide range of emotions upon stumbling into unexpected situations.

- - -

Okay, so all that above was written nine days ago. Hm.. since then..

Friendly faces are reassuring when it comes to making decisions based on principle and long and careful deliberation. Whew. I just need to remember to take things one step at a time, in all aspects of (college) life. People, academics, extracurriculars... worry-warts, go away! Don't come again any day! Hopefully the pre-college jitters will alleviate after I get on campus.

Back in 5th grade we had the Triumvirate, a group name that like many others, I coined. And now after 12th grade once in a while I think we may have a new trio, but whether or not and how much it cements remains to be seen. :)

Hm.. another thing to consider -- balance, between 1) the people who have already made their marks in my world and 2) the people who are going to take out their brushes and Sharpies starting this fall. I'm definitely afraid of drifting away from high school friends while we all go our separate ways (okay, Amy and Rica are somewhat of an exception) and meet and mingle with new people. Will it happen? Chances are.. yeah, with a few of us. :( But Rachel got me awesome froggy paper that I can use to write ya'll letters, and with Skype and Tokbox and insert another wonder of technology I think we'll manage just fine. :)