During the past few weeks, there have been a few occasions when it occurred to me that I have been making typos, which doesn't usually happen. That realization made me especially uncomfortable because I'm generally a stickler for, and am known to have, good grammar and spelling. To be slipping up in an area that I felt fairly capable in was disturbing and disorienting, to say the least.
So, shopping period for the past few semesters has always been really hectic for me, but this time I felt it was particularly chaotic, with my not knowing if my CS/Gov petition would pan out, and how my music audition would go. There was a point when I was wondering if this was all a one-way train wreck, and thinking, oh, how difficult it is to deal with the loss of self to Christ... this point was emphasized particularly poignantly for me first in the 24 hours or so after my audition, and then again a couple of days later when UC sang the old hymn "In Christ Alone" during Launch.
In the midst of dealing with all that, I know there were times when I just didn't want to face and interact with people, even though I like them. Recalling a point RK made when I expressed to her that I feel awkward or uneasy in some situations -- she told me that she'd noticed, that compared to people "back home" (wherever that is, for each person), Harvard students are a lot more self-conscious of this "awkwardness" factor. Har. For me, it's not about silences -- I am quite alright with silence; it's largely about not knowing if the other person is comfortable in the conversation. If s/he feels fine, and I know that, then I am much more at ease. Otherwise, there often pervades in me a sense of uncertainty about the whole thing... but the times during which I got to catch up with TK and CL recently were truly unexpected incidents of goodness.
With TK, I was initially surprised at how she opened up to me -- we were pretty friendly before her time away, but I don't think we really hung out back then. Thus, I didn't expect her to be so candid about her experiences and what she thought of them. I was grateful for that lack of screen though, because it made me feel like we were already good friends, and I think it'll really help in building our friendship in these next couple of years. With CL, I slapped myself mentally after our dinner conversation, for I had thought that our conversation was slightly forced, but he said afterward that he felt that he'd known me (and another friend who was with us for a part of the time) forever. I guess that I have to remember that different people have different senses of what it means to be comfortable with someone else, and that it's okay.
And back to shopping madness, and academics -- To retain or relinquish? The subject matters of that question are probably my plans (fuzzy though they may be) and sense of identity for myself. I've realized, and have struggled with this realization, that I have warped perceptions of what I "should" be doing. I tend to consider heavily, perhaps overly so, what's "good/helpful" for future, when it comes to determining what I want to spend time on... it took a long time, and a lot of people to convince me and myself that I would drop econometrics... I'd thought that because so many other people were taking it, that I should too, otherwise I'd be "missing out." This was an irrational thought on several counts: 1) those other people were Ec concentrators, and I am not 2) econometrics has been said to not be particularly useful in the "real world" unless one desires to obtain an Economics Ph.D., which I do not, and 3) So what if it may be otherwise useful in the future? One can say that of so many things in this life!
I struggled with my decision to drop metrics up until nearly the last minute, but working with CS the day after and today were so fun that I'm glad I don't have to deal with it (metrics), and can spend ample time with CS. ^-^ Hehe. There are so many things to learn, but college doesn't have to be the end of it, right? Thinking back on a conversation with another TK last year in which we were lamenting why we couldn't just be Renaissance men and women, well... it's just not possible the way things are structured in the world of academia and higher learning. Bah... as long as we make most of what we have now, though, yes?
To leave things for now -- I think that the second half of this title speaks to it, but I am especially grateful for certain people in my life. Just looking at them and the mature ways in which they approach life and engage with the world warms my heart. For them and their friendship, I sing praise.
And somehow, I think that I have found the name for this blog now. It shall be "心疼 - to love dearly." For that is what I should like my attitude to be when I engage in relationships -- with God, with family, with friends, with others -- with whomever God has placed in my path at this moment. I have been seeing in these past few days that He is very active in our lives in exciting and unprecedented ways... I hope to be a part of His plans, and I know that for that to happen, I will need to draw upon His unlimited capacity to 心疼 - to love dearly.
