gorgeous blue from walking along charles when brian visited, almost 2 weekends ago. seems shorter with "2" versus "two," the image conjured up in one's brain. 2 days passes faster than two days. excessive classification and drawer organizing? could be.currently (by choice) clamped up, but know must release thoughts to examine, to address root of the issue. i guess "by choice" isn't entirely correct, though. "by default?" or "reversion to familiar state?" unsure, which = not sure why. can tell that self-correction helps, though. got to actually using a personal pronoun --> more involved? perhaps. mm. and "must" as in "is necessary in order to move past current stage." current stage of what? that's what we're figuring out. don't like the "in order" in that previous phrase, 'tis unnecessary, but w/e. answers the un-parallel "why?" and makes for clarification, so i'll let it be.
have been realizing recently that things are complicated. not that didn't know such before, but.. have been made aware of factors/circumstances previously hadn't considered. and such on several fronts -- familial, world, personal.. flying straight into the faces of such i must [one of the following]: 1) be too 天真 2) not care what happens, as in, well, if you're going to do something you might as well take everything that comes with it, the good and the bad 3) oblivious to danger.. is that too similar to #1?
i think most of my life until now has been marked by a combination of the three, but during time not long past, ponderings deviating from the second have sprouted, and i've never really battled them before. i dunno, presumably it's because i'm coming closer to getting face-to-face with reality, and fear is striking me irrationally? or rationally, according to the thinking of this world? perchance i'm becoming too cautious? or i wasn't enough before? i don't know.
haven't written like this for a while. welcome not explaining though. college has involved a lot of (good, i guess) opening up, so far and in general. i remember in chinese once, the teacher asked if i had any aversions to meeting strangers, and i responded no, because you can face them without baggage, or .. with considerably less baggage than with people you've known for a long time but not really "known." yeah, muddy diction, but eh, don't feel like making it better. hm. people whom you may have known for a long time, or whom you know about much on the superficial level, but whom if asked to detail their hopes and dreams and passions, you draw blank. that's slightly clearer.
but yeah, this is preferable for the moment. more musing than sharing. yes, that's it. there are differences in expressing: observations/opinions/thoughts/beliefs/emotions/sentiments/speculations/musings/ideas. pyramid skyrockets.
well, t.t.f.n.~
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