A year's worth of learning in 24 hours

Two months of Tuesdays ago marked my first working anniversary, a day of full pressure wrapping up a project, yet the night before presented a culmination of 24 hours of much learning --

It was the Monday before the 10th when we unexpectedly finished up early for the night - I think we were back in our hotel rooms by 8 or 9 pm then. I remember pacing about, thinking to myself, "How anticlimactic." We had several execs coming in to present to the client board the next morning, yet in these precious hours right before that meeting, we were treating our work as signed and sealed, ready to be delivered.

Things I learned/was reminded of earlier that Monday that influenced why we were in the state we were:

1) Politics are rampant, and nothing is clear-cut. Even people who seem like they should be looking out for you might not, so be careful and discerning at all times. People can spin things however they want. Thus, be excellent and knowledgeable so that situations tricky as such don't prevent you from making clear-headed decisions
2) Everyone has their stories... whether it be how they survived flash floods, or what it's like having family members who struggle with ongoing illnesses, there are stories of brokenness and heartwarming humanity all around
3) Related to #2 - it is a beautiful thing when someone can trust you with sensitive information. Break not that trust
4) Be careful when making assumptions. People will poke holes, as they should. Always be prepared with a solid answer
5) Stick up for yourself and what you know to be right and good
6) Get to the heart of the matter
7) Don't let things fester

Back to the moment --

Some time as I was pacing, a thought came to me, "God is having me learn skills now to prepare for the future, to help His people."  The somewhat unusual appearance of this particularly non-linear thought into my head, along with the peace that accompanied it, gave me a strange hope. It reminded me of why I entered the business in the first place, and what I seek to gain out of it. The next step is to trust God with timing... when? When shall I be called upon to leave and further Your Kingdom in other ways?

Nowadays, with fall rounding up and winter fast approaching, I encounter older friends and colleagues preparing their ways back to graduate school. Whether these paths be of pure hedging, last-straw disgruntlement, a truly fresh realization that more vibrant roads lie ahead, or some combination of the three... I'm not sure at what point that'll come for me. And I know not how it looks.

Restless soul, when will you be still?

Lord, let me seek You and You alone.

Chiaroscuro

I've been wrestling with God much more in my mind than in my heart for the past couple of months. While the intellectual struggles have been great, it's almost as if I've voluntarily withdrawn and decided that the heart isn't always quite worth it, as if investing in outpourings of the heart is mutually exclusive from challenging my mind to the utmost. I know that such isn't true, but I'm finding it difficult to strike the right balance in real life, given our human limitations of time, willpower, and energy. Given my confusion and internal qualms, I am all the more excited to read John Piper and colleagues' "Thinking. Loving.Doing.: A Call to Glorify God with Heart and Mind." over the next few days. I am thankful for Thanksgiving break.

Another set of tensions that has been on my mind stems from attending the Ames moot court last week:

Law: While law is supposed to render people equal, the process seems very hierarchical and full of deference. Lawyers -- or at least the law students who argued in front of Justice Sotomayor and the other two justices -- seem to have little confidence in themselves. The people who argued were also poor in answering directly the questions posed to them. Sometimes they would evade the question, making round-about arguments. Or, they would try to prove that whatever they had said before was legitimate and advanced their case -- generally not a bad thing, but in this case the tactic was inappropriate and poorly timed, because the students had been asked just to answer certain yes-or-no questions. When asked for certain information, give it. Don't beat about the bush.

Business: I've heard that businesses and corporations are often hierarchical, but increasingly I've found that one can achieve respect as long as you prove your arguments with substantial, meaningful evidence. Granted, it's not always easy to put yourself in a position where you can prove your point, but after doing so, opportunities (can) come in a much more meritocratic way...

- - -

have you ever dreamt voices?

can i bottle up your voice,
and set it within a clear glass vial
to radiate colors of crystal
while stopped with a piece of cork
sealed tight?

a deceptively cool-headed wind
whooshes
past

the crevices of your being
brood burgundy
as autumn souls
are caressed in warm argent
will you not also reach for the light?

-eHc

Golden Handcuffs

God, I don't understand. Last week, it was all fine. In fact, I was even reassured that it would be okay, and that I shouldn't have to worry so much. Seems like that's not the case -- the worrying is just delayed. It's like senior year of HS all over again, except this time I'm geographically removed and in a position to run off if I want.

逃避. to escape.

But really... I'd thought it'd be okay. That this was the end of it. That I wouldn't have to fear my irrational wonderings and mind experiments every time I walked over a bridge, or into traffic, or along the river. That there is more to life than..

I don't understand why they have so little trust in me, or in my ability and desires to navigate the system. Does it really matter to be at the "top" or to do what no one else does? Selectivity doesn't always correctly signal increase in quality... Not in the ways that matter to me, at least.

Do I fight? If so.. how?

- - -

is it naive
of us, to
to assume
that we have

why hope
why care
why dare
back to Jerusalem, I stare

-eHc

- - -

I realize that overall, I've been intentionally isolating myself a lot more this year. Not that I don't see people and interact with them still, but as a whole, I'm more apathetic about -- and unsure of my approach to -- keeping up some relationships. I think it started when ML called me to tell me about his job offer. I was glad he'd chosen to share the news with me, but I was struck with a sudden, pinching grief that pulled at my sides and yanked me into dullness.

"You can't get married in the next few years, 'cause then I can't make it to your wedding... No, really." Those were some of his words during our phone chat. We chuckled over it, because what else could you do in a moment like that? Inside, though, I really wondered... what sort of relationship can you keep up with someone who doesn't have time for you? Distance is one thing, but time is a whole other monster. As I relayed to RK -- ML, I don't want to just invite you to my wedding.. I want you to be there when I  introduce my future whoever to my friends. I want you to meet him, to get to know him, to tell me truly if you think it'll work out and if we are and will be good for each other. I want your opinion developed through time and meaningful interaction. Not just for you to show up dressed like a penguin and shower me with empty words of congratulations. That wouldn't mean much. And I don't want to settle.

Or am I expecting too much? Is it inevitable that with separation of time and distance, that relationships fade away until they turn dusty yellow with unpleasantness and awkwardness? Can they be sustained by anything other than the past and in the present, save Christ?

Rainy-day thoughts.

Taking two B-school professor-taught classes on innovation (one class on innovation and entrepreneurship in general, and the other on innovation as a mechanism for solving intractable problems in South Asia) has been highly knowledge-enriching and worldview-broadening so far.  I've learned a lot about many different factors that go into being forward-thinking in business, and have developed a greater sense of various complex socioeconomic fabric and political situations that exist throughout South Asia. Despite the classes' highlighting innovation, though, all that this teaching has done for me is make me really appreciate -- for the first time since I declared my concentration, actually -- that I study government: institutions, political structures, policy development, and more. When it comes to provision of basic public goods, I think that even if innovative solutions are able to prove themselves and get off fast and running on the ground, eventually, governments have to step in and play a significant cooperative role in scaling and transplanting those solutions to their populace. Without governmental cooperation, it's hard to solve large-scale social problems, no matter how well-resourced or well-intentioned you might be.

Another thought that's been on my mind, "Fiat voluntas tua." Let Your will be done, God. I admit that I rebel from time to time in both my actions and my thoughts, and try to take things into my own hands. Far too often, I've been putting my hopes in concrete things of this world, even as I've sought to rationalize to myself that my intention was to use them as a means of effecting the next world. I say I seek Your will, God, but do I really seek "Your will"? Arguably not, God, arguably not. I may start off well-intentioned, but on my own, I am so easily drawn away from what is of utmost importance, to things glittery and attractive, that I end up veering off-path and driving myself into ditches.

Lord, I give you my dreams. I ask that You re-calibrate my heart and align it with Yours.

white grapes

senior year: shameless, spontaneous, full of delight. to know, to love, to always rejoice.

whenever i tell people that my word for senior year is "shameless," i get more than a few raised eyebrows and guffaws. =p lol. i see the word "shameless" as applicable to many facets of life, though, not just ones that involve indecency. perhaps "shameless" best describes my feeling liberated, as a senior. the idea of urgency, of having only one more year left, compels me all the more to do things i value b/c if i don't do them now, the chance'll not come in the future. and it's freeing, knowing that i have such great opportunities this last year to do these things. it's kinda like the concept of grace. being liberated in Christ so that one may aim to sin no more in the rest of life one has on earth.

senior year has also been a time of coming to terms with oneself that idealized notions of intellectual activity may not always manifest themselves as wonderfully in real life... that theses are not always the culmination of years of frenzied but immensely enjoyable intellectual struggles as i thought they were, that there will be options in the future to leave my mark on the world in writing, that a dearth of active, intense desire to produce such a long piece probably means that i shouldn't write one. mm.. yeah. ideally i'd be a renaissance person living in the 17th or 18th century, rockin' out to Bach and Vitali, poring over the works of Locke, and dreamin' to the beat of da Vinci, but.. gotta find someway else to create/draw out value in this modern world.

on an altogether unrelated note, JN says, "the heart is willing, but the mind is not." somethin' like that. true.. i'll acknowledge it, too. :p

sometimes i think that i'm so busy that i don't have time for many things i want to do. other times i think, what am i so busy with that i can't cut out 2 hrs of my time each week for [insert worthy/rewarding cause]? and when i venture out onto that path, i wonder, but which worthy/rewarding cause should i devote myself to? there are so many out there! ah.. too much thinking --> dead ends/paralysis. Nike's right: Just Do It. and if it turns out not to be a good decision, TK's probably right -- Holy Spirit'll come and re-route things for the better.

PaPa's in SG now! a deliberately-conferred name of affection, but anyhow.. thankful for two situations: 1) that he's back in the area, and 2) that Mums is speaking more realistically of going home in December. it's been quite a while, in the physical sense, and in the emotional sense, i don't know if she ever really left.

the sound of camaraderie

I was caught off guard yesterday for what greeted me as I entered Quincy House to meet up with 2012 for dinner. As I pushed open the glass door, my ears were filled with a most pleasant sound -- that of camaraderie. Ah.. camaraderie is a warm yellow, somewhere between banana yellow and marigold, almost like that of incandescent light bulbs lit up while corralled by milky white enclosures. I think it's the newest addition to my collection of favorite sounds. I hadn't expected people at school to be unfriendly towards each other, but the conversation floating through the air was so warm amongst the myriad students, and evidently so, that I was glad to be back. Seeing 2012 again was good. It's infrequent that many of us are able to congregate, and as JY said, we *are* a family, even if we don't see each other all that often.

School is a bizarre time.. as senior year starts up, and thoughts of the future peek in through various doorways, I am beginning to understand how it is that my friends who were seniors before were so busy.

Earlier this afternoon, while we were sitting in the BLP program, another student asked one of the presenters how research in academia differed from research in consulting. The presenter responded that he'd switched from doing research in academia to pursuing consulting because he appreciated the more immediate, tangible difference he was able to make in the latter field. That made me wonder, why are so many people into the idea of making a difference? Making a difference indicates that we matter, hence, in asking such questions, are we simply consumed with self? Why does it matter to matter?

Rephrased and more drawn out -- why do we want so much to matter? .. in what ways do we want to matter? to whom do we want to matter? and.. how do we matter? Are these good and for what we should seek? Can we ever be ultimately satisfied?

seeking what? or whom?

cravings that curl up fetus-like and arch backwards.. such are the cravings that I've had recently. at the moment they're for inconsequential things like dim sum, rice noodles, and pretty lace, as well as larger-ticket items like the satiation of head knowledge, a fluency in several foreign languages, and a thirst for perhaps God.

this was from late July, the 28th or so, but:

of mahogany spheres on navy-blue nights

carved
inserted
(im)pressed
embedded

a piece of parchment in a walnut shell

-eHc

it's kinda rough, and might be incomplete. i'll see if i come back to it.

Learning in life and work

Ahh.. haven't posted in a while. Not very good with this whole keep-people-updated-on-life-events sort of writing, but will try for a bit...

I'm currently at work, where apparently I have access to blogger/Youtube/Facebook, but not the Clinton Foundation. Whaaaat.. makes no sense, Infy. Anyhow, a few things I've learned/reaffirmed recently about the way I interact with ideas/people in life...

1) I work well when I've room for creativity within a rough framework... I don't need/like too much structure, as I prefer having room to wiggle and explore new ideas. Even with taking such a stop-and-smell-the-flowers-when-they-look-interesting sort of path, though, I do need to be productive to feel good about myself... productive in the sense of churning out compelling/useful/interesting/innovative ideas and compilations of such. I thrive on ideas with solid theoretical frameworks and the realistic prospects of implementing them.

2) I need practice in logically structuring my non-essay thoughts. Reason #1: Sometimes I find really interesting ideas, but I can't expect others to jump on them without giving them more to feed on. Reason #2: I just need to practice arranging my thoughts and presenting them to people. It would make things clearer for myself, as well.

3) I've been thoroughly impressed in recent travels/hanging out with non-Harvard people... I've been impressed by their multi-cultural backgrounds and wide variety of amazing and rigorous experiences, and delighted at their accompanying friendliness. I'd caught hints of it here and there for a while, both in person and virtually, but it wasn't until I sunk into a conversation with AD about social impact and past experiences a couple of weekends ago that I realized how awesome a group of people we had in the program... and it didn't take long, no, not at all. 'twas a good chat we had, and it may have actually been the first time I've met someone who thrives and bases his existence on social impact as much as I do mine... I was amazed and pleasantly surprised by that (even if that frame of mind and heart isn't exactly a good thing, but more on that another time).

Admittedly, the B'lore crowd is more "American" in attitude/communication style, and that's probably why I felt more comfortable with them/enjoyed myself more. Still, our group reminded me of CTY, and the talk I had with AD reminded me of how I loved coming to Ec 1389 the first half of the past semester, when Prof. Chandra would lead us into discussion and just let the class take off. The HKS/HMS/other grad students would just raise up their hands and shoot, "Last summer, when I was in Rwanda... when I was doing field work in China last winter... when I was working on a case study in rural India..." It was so wonderfully global, and even if one experience or even a few did not substantiate all of my classmates' points, I appreciated the fact that each speaker had at least seen something of what they were talking about, and wasn't just shooting off theory neither tested nor practiced.

Anyhow, this conversation made me resolve to take advantage of all that Harvard and non-Harvard has to offer, in my last year of school upcoming, to not restrict myself to simply Harvard happenings. I've lived in the Harvard bubble for long enough, and it's time to start transitioning out/stepping out a bit while I can. Glad I'm living with Niha next year.. I think that will remind me to keep an open mind towards cool activities occurring at other institutions. Yup. =)

Friends

I think I've just started to make friends at work =) Haha, that sounds odd, doesn't it? Today, a little after noontime, a girl named Alaka who works for the same boss, in the next cube over, came up to me and said, "So.. you must be lonely, yes?" and asked if I wanted to go to lunch together later. I was initially taken aback at her frankness -- I had been resentful earlier this morning about finding out only now that I'd be the only intern in Chennai for the next few weeks, while there's a whole crowd of 'em at Bangalore -- but I appreciated it, after thinking it over for a while. She clearly meant well, and it's not that big of a deal to admit that I would like some human company. Har.

Anyhow, Alaka introduced me to her whole crowd of Bengali friends, so now I know a whole bunch of Bengalis! They're a funny crowd. From Calcutta, the same as Amartya Sen (<3)! All guys, except Alaka, so I guess she might enjoy having another girl around as well. Jokes abound... apparently, a "fag" is a smoke, but also a homosexual. I misunderstood Alaka today when she exclaimed at Arunavan (sp), "A fag!" when he motioned that he'd catch up with us later -- I thought she'd called him a fag, and I was like.. ouch, haha. I asked her if she really called him a fag, and through a series of gestures and laughs, I found out that she'd thought I'd thought she'd called him a homosexual, when she had really been disapproving of his going out to take a smoke. Lawls. Lost in translation, indeed.

Hello, my name is [ ]

I've been spoiled @ H. People generally pronounce my name right at school, as opposed to wrongly when I'm at home in Silicon Valley. There, my name meets blunder upon blunder through a range of accents and attempts to Latinize it, so I was actually not used to having my name correctly pronounced before I went to H. Anyhow, it's being slightly (but not annoyingly) butchered here in India.. oh well, haha. I am slowly growing accustomed to hearing and comprehending Indian English, including people's names. I feel bad whenever I ask people to repeat their names (which is oftentimes the case), and then they smile and tell me to call them by a nickname. And then I insist on calling them their actual names b/c I don't want them to feel bad or like they have to shorten/simplify their name to suit the disobedient tongue and cognitive abilities of a foreigner. Yaaar.

Today, I found out that the guy who cleans my room is from Orissa. Whoops. Totally thought everyone here was Tamil.. I guess not. I asked him if he spoke Tamil, and he gestured, just a little. Anyway, he remembered from our previous conversation that I'm half from Singapore. I was surprised. That was pretty impressive. Anyhow, he asked if people in Singapore speak Tamil or English. I chuckled, and told him both. And then he mentioned something about Singaporean theatre being in Tamil, haha. That's cool, I'd no idea.

Goal of the upcoming week: figure out the cleaning guy's name. I figure, if I'm going to see him about a fair amount, I should learn his name. Same with the guesthouse security guard and the security guards of the building I work in, as well as of the Infy campus. I think they pretty much all know me already. Not that I'm being arrogant; actually, I'm kinda hard to miss. I'm the token Asian girl here, haha. Literally. It's still somewhat of a culture shock, seeing all people only of one race. Sure, there's diversity in terms of language/physical features/clothing, but it's definitely different compared to the U.S., where everyone from the onset looks visibly distinct. It really takes a skilled/experienced set of eyes/ears (which I don't possess) to distinguish between all the various languages here.

Back to the cleaning guy - I wonder how life must be for him here, and if he'd migrated for economic reasons. That brought to mind a thought: job creation is imperative for economic development. Infrastructure development and education and healthcare and whatnot (all cool things that I get to address and look into with my internship -- very exciting stuff that warrants a post on its own) is well and necessary, but how to facilitate all that as well as job creation? For what ends do we work?

Discordant Expectations

i think the source of all disappointments, frustrations, resentments, and other negative emotions have something to do with the idea of discordant expectations, of one's expectations being misaligned with those of another person who is valued. just saying.

i really appreciated getting to see the seniors graduate this year, and to get to know some of them better during senior week. i didn't realize how many of them i liked and would miss -- the case even when i didn't know them that well. i think i was sad b/c i would like to spend more time with and get to know several of them better, but i didn't think i'd see many of them again. sigh.. such is life.. i think i'll get to see the ones in SEAsia this winter, though =)

hm.. what else. i'm glad i brought so much reading material to India. i think i'll actually be able to get through a lot of it~ quite excellent, considering how my summer reading lists have largely grown but remained unchecked for the past few years.

thankful also for internet. it's funny -- all these mediums of communication, seem to point at one thing only -- a human desideratum for connection, for understanding, for the intimacy of knowing. it's that same "know" in the Bible that God uses with the Israelites in the Old Testament. to know, in Hebrew -- yāda‘ -- denotes knowing of things intellectually, ability-wise, relationally, experentially, and more. much better knowledge (har) can be read about it here, but yeah.. interesting thinking about what it means to know someone.

on that note.. God, can we get to better know each other? i'm not very good at attempting so on my own..

Falling in lust with a piano

The Saturday before last, I fell in lust with a piano. It was no ordinary piano -- it was a shining, gleaming, instrument of ebony whose presence outshone the rest of the stage of the NEC's Jordan Hall, and I heard it played when Charlie debuted with the Longwood Symphony that evening.  Ahhh... gorgeous. Just gorgeous. LeVan and I were about to fall asleep during the first two pieces, which were thankfully short, and we were fearful that we would sleep through Shostakovich and Charlie for 25 minutes, but no -- the piano did not allow that to occur. It was so clear and radiant, it beamed!

I've never fallen so hard for the sound of a piano. It used to be that if you asked me which of the two instruments I played that I preferred, I would say that I liked playing both, but I truly enjoyed the sound of the violin. The violin sings, and can be sorrowful, and when in an orchestra, allows one to experience what seems divine. The piano, on the other hand, was simply there... but there was nothing distinctly special about the sounds it produced. Even when I immersed myself into PJ's playing years back, that was more an acknowledgment of his musicality and the beauty he drew out rather than an appreciation of purely the sound itself. This time, while I enjoyed Charlie's playing, I found that I was able to judge the sound of the piano on its own merit, and then, there, I found that I could enjoy the sound of the piano! What wonders.

I've yet to ask Charlie what model the Steinway was, but I'll be sure to do that soon. ^-^ Also, this incident reminded me of how I used to hear that it doesn't matter the quality of the instrument, but rather the abilities of the musician. I think I'll disagree with that statement. Yes, the abilities of the musician trump the quality of the instrument, but if the instrument is truly horrible, even a good musician can't do much with it. A good instrument can only help a musician convey his/her message. Makes me think of how our bodies are considered God's temples, and I'm conflicted about how much I feel convicted of that... I think there's a lot to do in terms of mindset and actions. God, will You make me realize, will Your Word and Your voice come to me, of how much from which You've saved me?

Anyhow, basically -- I've never desired something so expensive in my life. =p

Process, purée, purify

Thoughts from reading/finals period:

I've realized that one reason I value artistic expression is that it shows some level of processing/reflection/thought. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around how people can be without it, how they can not at least attempt to process the world. I guess this is a value judgment of sorts, but I am valuing what I can connect with, what I can understand; is that not what people generally do?

on acquired tastes -- now i can add green tea ice cream to the list. previous others: frozen yogurt, mushrooms, cheesecake, sushi (this one occurred after i found i naturally enjoyed its cousin kimbap).

I've found my grasp of Chinese becoming weaker and weaker, yet when times come about that I feel a need to pray, inevitably it is to our Father God in traditional Chinese. hm, I should get to watching a TW drama or two this summer. That'll fix the language problem. ;)

i wonder how much our portrayal of selves, and our expressions of selves, are self-created rather than reflective of what already exists within. e.g. w/ fashion, room decoration, and personally -- how i came to value the color red... even writing is at times a craft, is it not? there is a struggle to properly bring forth an ideal -- someone else's, if not your own.

On a more concrete note, "Light Up the Sky" has been my new song on repeat throughout finals period, ever since Nate posted a snippet of it on Facebook. It's been a while since i've had such a craving for such a song, esp. a Christian song. Meh. Just sayin'.

Granulated Sugar

These are some thoughts from the past two weeks or so, just.. refined into more readable form.

courtesy of http://www.barefootkitchenwitch.com

--Regarding this coming summer, I really had no preference for where I wanted to be, in terms of domestic/international, hence I'd prayed that God would place me where He wants me, and where I could do His work. When the initial word came from Infy, I was excited about the prospect not because it was "glorious" (the other opportunity I had "seemed" more so?), but because I could be excited about the actual project I'd be working on... I was excited that my heart isn't dead and that I still have the capacity to care about something. I did realize while talking w/ RK that this care is definitely naturally skewed towards processes, though, and that I could use work on caring for people themselves... oh, dear heart. We all need mercy as well as justice and love.

--I received one of the most pleasant compliments last Weds, from ES, about being an international student, haha. Apparently, when ES first met me, he'd thought that i was an int'l student because I have a sense of courtesy/politeness that isn't common in Americans, according to him. Coming from a lot of other people, the thought that I'm an international student would probably bug me, but from ES it's a compliment because he's an international himself. Yup. =)

--I value/enjoy honest conversation with people when they're genuine. In order of occurrence, TK, AC, HS, VL, LN, IC, SWC... those are some people I've been able to trade thoughts and ideas with over the past two weeks. The conversations haven't all been easy -- in fact, more often than not I'd say they spoke of harder issues, or at least hinted of them, but they were good to grapple with. Yup... hope to pursue those more.

The reason behind the slash in "value/enjoy" above is that I've lately realized that while I enjoy these conversations most of the time, that isn't always the case. In the cases in which I don't overall enjoy the conversations as much, I think 'tis simply because I come out of them with questions that had previously tugged on my mind now pulling even harder, and I feel at a loss as to how to address them. This certainly doesn't mean I value the conversations any less. They're still good, just not as easily enjoyable. A few of the ones I mentioned above would fall into this category, as would one w/ AW a few weeks prior. Good stuff to think about.. just.. tough stuff. Really tough stuff, both theoretical and practical.

I suppose I'm struggling w/ a case of existentialism... har, VL thinks I'm an existentialist at heart. Yeah? I didn't know it was possible (is it?) to believe in Christ while being an existentialist... according to a Christian view, shouldn't Christ technically be the answer to an existentialist's wonderings? I dunno.

--BoCo concert to see Lizzie Jones last Sunday! I haven't heard a Beethoven (or anything else) that good in a long time! It made me realize that I really need to see the city more.. I've only a year left! Ah!

--Chatted w/ MJ a bit this morning... twas reassuring, I think. It's taken me a long time (and it's still a work in progress) to own up to the fact that certain, sometimes negative, emotions/feelings/thoughts I have are normal, and while that doesn't make them good (the negative ones), they're not things to beat myself up over, nor things to turn away from and evade. Yeah... I think the very first instance of owning up to these thoughts started w/ LZ during Urbana nearly a year and a half ago, and then w/ RK earlier this semester... yaaar.

Yeah... on that thought, why do humans want/crave/pursue things they know aren't good for them? Why do I? Sighz. I think it's because we think that the object(s) of our pursuit will satisfy us, but in reality (and perhaps we go in with a sense of this already) only a higher source of joy can do so. God, how do we meet that joy? Is it possible to be sustained, wholehearted, and coupled with thorough consideration and knowledge of truth?

Thaw, O Frozen Heart

Too many thoughts to process @ the moment. Not enough time.

Here's a hymn JW posted that I empathized with (and bolded part of):

"O for a glance of heavenly day"

by Joseph Hart

O for a glance of heavenly day,

To take this stubborn heart away,

And thaw, with beams of love divine,

This heart, this frozen heart of mine.

The rocks can rend; the earth can quake;

The seas can roar; the mountains shake:

Of feeling, all things show some sign,

But this unfeeling heart of mine.

To hear the sorrows Thou hast felt,

O Lord, an adamant would melt:

But I can read each moving line,

And nothing moves this heart of mine.

Thy judgments, too, which devils fear—

Amazing thought! unmoved I hear;

Goodness and wrath in vain combine

To stir this stupid heart of mine.

But something yet can do the deed;

And that dear something much I need:

Thy Spirit can from dross refine,

And move and melt this heart of mine

Of Solitude and Society

I've been ruminating on the topic "of solitude and society," as says Adam Smith. I'm currently experiencing a mix of jetlag, illness, and a dash of torpor/fatigue, and the last part will pass first, soon, I think, but the overall combination of the three is incapacitating. In short, I'm not feeling well, and I think that such feeling has permeated into my interactions with people (or attempts to restrict those), too... I haven't been able to engage in some conversations as actively as I would've liked, I've lacked the energy to attempt to remedy a couple of sticky situations, and I've generally refrained from seeking people out. Not that it's been all bad -- no, not at all, but it certainly has been interesting thinking about it.

swing left

the ice has cracked
the snow has melted
the sun has risen
my feet point home

i make a left
go up the street
my ears are cold
i pause

the gate is open
left unlatched
i hesitate
then draw near

the rubber surprises me
then i adjust
the twisted metal
'8' no more

i look up
scan left to right
colored chalk
on windows in brick

turning
i look around me
no one in sight
dare i?

plop.
my feet touch the ground
a moment later
i get up

this world
am i of it no more?
can it ever be mine again?

what keeps me (from) going forward?

--eHc

Seams and scars and stitches.

I am reading about healthcare and insurance and the provision of medical services now. It is not uninteresting, and my mind is not distracted much by other things, but still I cannot concentrate on the excerpt in front of me. I might as well share some thoughts while I'm here..

"The word religion derives from the Latin verb religare, which means to bind together again that which was once bound but has since been torn or broken; to heal." -- Michael Perry, in Legal Rights: Historical and Philosophical Perspectives

I like this sentence.  I came across it in one of my philosophy readings last week, and its reference to healing makes me think of how awe-inspiring it is when our bodies repair themselves.  On the issue of repair, the word "repair" comes from the Latin verb reparere, which is composed of "re-" 'back,' and "parere" 'make ready.'  So to repair is, in essence, "to make ready again." What joy it is to know that not only do our bodies fix themselves when something is amiss, but that they also prepare us to go forward in experiencing life.

I find that this semester, more than any other, I've been constantly rushing from class to meeting to appointment to info session to activity and what-have-you else. It's different, and while it's been bearable so far, I'm not sure it's a good thing entirely. It's strange. I feel that I have more time being alone to think, but I find that I spend the seconds mind-wandering to what engagement I have to rush to next, instead of utilizing the time on matters more important and dear to me. I would like to soon rest in Christ and actually experience life in the moment.

God, will You repair me? I've many a seam to be stitched up, and if there need be scarring, I'll know at least that the marks are reminders and signs of Your love. For the Lord disciplines those He loves...

momentos

she asks me if i still care, or if things have shifted.
i don't know, i say. i don't think do. i don't think they have. there's nowhere they could've gone.

right?

how unexpected. your absent presence has come into conversation again.
strange that the meeting of hearts is solely between she and I, yet the twine is laced with others' as well.

--eHc

the words just won't come.

apologies. the floodgates are guarded. arise? i can't, at the moment.

Shall we promène by the sea,

the glint of ocean grey in our eyes?

deep calls out, for request
of
answer

in vain


why so silent?


have we packed up, put on, withdrawn --

become shells?


--eHc