blue - a title so short it must be blue! .. or not.

gorgeous blue from walking along charles when brian visited, almost 2 weekends ago. seems shorter with "2" versus "two," the image conjured up in one's brain. 2 days passes faster than two days. excessive classification and drawer organizing? could be.

currently (by choice) clamped up, but know must release thoughts to examine, to address root of the issue. i guess "by choice" isn't entirely correct, though. "by default?" or "reversion to familiar state?" unsure, which = not sure why. can tell that self-correction helps, though. got to actually using a personal pronoun --> more involved? perhaps. mm. and "must" as in "is necessary in order to move past current stage." current stage of what? that's what we're figuring out. don't like the "in order" in that previous phrase, 'tis unnecessary, but w/e. answers the un-parallel "why?" and makes for clarification, so i'll let it be.

have been realizing recently that things are complicated. not that didn't know such before, but.. have been made aware of factors/circumstances previously hadn't considered. and such on several fronts -- familial, world, personal.. flying straight into the faces of such i must [one of the following]: 1) be too 天真 2) not care what happens, as in, well, if you're going to do something you might as well take everything that comes with it, the good and the bad 3) oblivious to danger.. is that too similar to #1?

i think most of my life until now has been marked by a combination of the three, but during time not long past, ponderings deviating from the second have sprouted, and i've never really battled them before. i dunno, presumably it's because i'm coming closer to getting face-to-face with reality, and fear is striking me irrationally? or rationally, according to the thinking of this world? perchance i'm becoming too cautious? or i wasn't enough before? i don't know.

haven't written like this for a while. welcome not explaining though. college has involved a lot of (good, i guess) opening up, so far and in general. i remember in chinese once, the teacher asked if i had any aversions to meeting strangers, and i responded no, because you can face them without baggage, or .. with considerably less baggage than with people you've known for a long time but not really "known." yeah, muddy diction, but eh, don't feel like making it better. hm. people whom you may have known for a long time, or whom you know about much on the superficial level, but whom if asked to detail their hopes and dreams and passions, you draw blank. that's slightly clearer.

but yeah, this is preferable for the moment. more musing than sharing. yes, that's it. there are differences in expressing: observations/opinions/thoughts/beliefs/emotions/sentiments/speculations/musings/ideas. pyramid skyrockets.

well, t.t.f.n.~

Faded.

"Struggle"

I see problems that I cannot fix,
tears I cannot wipe away,
stains too dark to scrub back clean,
wounds aggressors should for pay.

It's hard to trust, though know I should,
in He who does all for our good.
And struggle as I do through this,
I wonder what I current miss.

--EHC

- - -

"streetlamp"

in a strange way,
i'm glad to be on ground
instead of 1000 feet above
staring up at space
at darkness of the groves.

marigold light tumbling down
on asphalt path.
what is this?
contrast with cold-shouldered fluorescent white
of swimming pools, 5 past night.

stars in the heavens obstructed
cry out to He in the cosmos i do
glittering vulnerabilities
tower of pearl, steeple
renewing, refreshing, amazing.

to-and-fro, to-and-fro,
the accelerating engines of vehicles passing
make me wish the T were open at this hour
or the airport and runways and silver beams closer
in their yearning groans for things than self greater

--EHC

Melodies.

I just realized why (other than not often being immersed in extended periods of day-to-day conversation) I can't/don't/find-it-difficult-to think in Chinese sometimes. It's not because I'm thinking in English, since if my mind is awake and functioning enough to be actively thinking and composing in English, then switching over to Chinese tends not to be too much of an ordeal. When thinking in Chinese is difficult, it's because I think in music. Or rather, my thoughts are music. Such occurs when I'm too tired to think in words. Thus, reversion to the comfortable and the primordial. So yeah, go figure. Usually I don't mind, but at times it's problematic, like... now, when I have to write an essay in Chinese. Agh. Okay, back to work.

Oh, but I guess before that I'll show you Mickey. He's pretty cool. Mayhap he'll make me happier as I work into the night.

- - -

3/14/09, 0048 EST; Whoo.. it's Pi Day. Note the lack of enthusiasm in voice. Yeah... I really should be doing GTI research now, especially since tomorrow will be a very full day, but it's hard mustering up the gung-ho spirit. Though I guess gung-ho-ness isn't exactly something you preconceive of, so perhaps that's a misnomer. It's hard mustering up the will? I'm bothered that the situation is such, because usually I have no problem jumping into GTI stuff. And yeah, recently I haven't been conversing with God as much, either. Probably has to do with that.

I miss having a piano around. Like, immediately around. Downstairs float strains of One Republic's "Apologize," and I think music.

OKAY. Going to go and start on GTI now. Glad to have one of RARE around. Listening ears are much help. <3

Whispers and Murmurs of Change

One day under a year ago, on 2/24/08, I began a post in which every day for 5 weeks I would add on a line to the post, and every week I'd find a photo that I felt fit the week. I think I'll do something similar this year, but perhaps not for 5 weeks -- haven't decided on a fixed timeline yet. This year, though, I think I'll try taking my own photographs (edit -- or not).

2/23/09
The rustling and spiraling through air of the leaves today was simple, innocent, refreshing. From the geometric cuts of clay-brown orange to the whirring wind from under and around, there were whispers, whispers, whispers abroad of a spring to be found.

2/24/09
I wonder if the two cents in the phrase "chip in your two cents" comes from the biblical story in Mark 12 of the widow who gave her last two coins to God. Anyway, song of the day -- Mendelssohn's Intro to Rondo and Capriccioso. Good stuff.

2/25/09
"Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control." -- Proverbs 25:28 It hasn't been too difficult so far, but we'll see if will(power) endures.

2/26/09
God is faithful. The practice of patience, consideration, surrender, and love. All I need and desire to live out more. | On a somewhat related note, I'm thankful for people who recognize and pay attention to struggles, regardless of to whom they belong.

2/27/09
天黑黑﹐欲落雨﹐天黑黑﹐黑黑。。。
^ Read "Ti oh oh, bei lok ho, ti oh oh, oh oh..."

2/28/09
I am thankful for the glimpses of God I see in people, from the encouragement here to the steadfast belief in me there. My struggles diminish in the face of the world, and in the faces of those within it.

3/1/09
Today the sky cries everywhere.

3/2/09
悲傷.

3/3/09
reopened?

3/4/09
sacrificial lamb.

3/5/09
i guess i asked for it, in a way. 活該阿我。sigh. i wonder what goes on in God's head.

the opening bars constantly replay themselves.

To Care To Care: Part 1 of 2

A number of these thoughts aren't as fresh as I would like them to be, for I'd allowed them to ferment for too long before gathering them altogether to stew. =\ Hence the part 2, I suppose. Hah, the ideas in Part 1 here were (and some are) okay at one point or another. Some of the ideas that will show up in part 2, on the other hand, have been brewing for a while, but I just haven't felt or experienced them strongly and comprehensively enough recently that I am compelled to aggregate my thoughts on them.

- - -

I hadn't been thinking in Chinese for a while. Not that I am now, but I hadn't been earlier. Normally that wasn't a big problem, but it bothered me when I was trying to come up with an essay, for it took far longer than usual to get into the right frame of mind. Usually spinning yarns in Chinese came easy, but.. not so much, then. I partially attribute this lecture functioning to having listened to India.Arie's new album songs, which are in English, for hours on repeat for several days, maybe a week, haha.. they're really good.

I guess I've gotten a good deal of practice speaking Chinese, though, over the past few days, with 宇信 and 昌瑜 here. It's certainly been enjoyable. :)

I wonder about cults of personality.. about what makes people want to follow someone and do their bidding whatever the cost.. It's a notion that makes sense in the basics, but when you push the logic further.. only God, only God induces that sort of feeling.

I find the rampantly popular "25 Things About Me" lists interesting, but I'm not inclined to formally fill one out myself. Not a big fan of dishing out knowledge of personal traits in such an easy-access manner, plus I know that I might feel awkward about tagging some of the people I'd actually like to tag (which in this case, equals wanting to know more about). Sigh, social conventions. lol. 'tis why I prefer more personal forms of communication, for then learning about other people comes comparably naturally.

Hm.. I've noticed this tendency before and made it principle, but never articulated it -- I use Western smilies normally and Asian emoticons only in moments of sheer exhilaration or much more extreme happiness, or when feelings more pure. With the Western smilies, I feel too, so it's not that I don't care, but just that I don't feel as intensely, I think. I wonder if that means that my public face is Western and my inner self is Eastern? Hah, perhaps that's extrapolating too far. I would beg to disagree with myself if I said that. They're mixed in both cases. But anyway, thinking about inner self [person] versus the outer appearance [persona] led me to ponder upon the level to which people here at school are good at putting on public faces and sometimes, even well-constructed masks. Not saying that there aren't times when I put on a face as well, but I think I'm getting better about taking and keeping it off more often. More on that in the post upcoming.

Connection -- human connection. There's something special about the bonds that can form between people, and with God too. He sure is ingenious. Yeah. I guess I see this in several ways. Most immediate would be from the movie "Crossing," in which one sees, through his actions, reactions, desires, and words, the deep love and affection Yong-soo feels for his son Joony. Those would be caring on the smaller scale, or at least, that's how my human mind conceptualizes it. Caring because of something -- caring because you're related to someone, because they've cared for you, because you share good memories. Caring because x, y, or z.

That sort of caring has worth in itself, but a notion presented to me by our winter retreat speaker Lisa says that God's love, and God's caring.. it trumps this small-scale human caring by truncating the sentence. God doesn't love (us) because x/y/z. God simply loves. And that's an idea I'd like to ponder some more and talk about next time, so.. until then, friends.

Forest Leaves

I wonder
how sounds your leitmotif,
if it roars, or if it quivers,
or if it resonates with fervor?

Is it quiet, yet inviting, like words that carry thoughts?
Or is it loud with explanation, as thoughts that carry words?
Is it earth and wind and water fire clay and light and air?
Treasures of the memories that you lived, not here, but there?

Perhaps it springs with colors
that wind has carried not
Perhaps it shines with sparkles
as water can and ought

At the core, though, how sounds it?

hm?

Bold and full of confidence,
Or deferent to circumstance?
Chordal, bro-ken, harmony?
Singing, lilting, melody?

Full of crescendos, of diminuendos,
of hairpins that shape but don't yank?
Sforzandos, allargandos, mezzo pianos
and mordants, or lack?

Trills and warbles that shimmer at first glance?
i hope not
Flurry of sixteenth notes that prance?
i think not

I suppose the only way I'll find out
is to hear entirely
the music
in which it sounds.

oh.

Until
then,
"Patience, young grasshopper,
with that I shall be found."

--EHC

In search of golden threads to connect a flight

It's daybreak, and around me
arises
Agape, Philos, and Eros.
They don't quite come
in a pile neatly folded,
Nor are they
strewn and abandoned
out in the dark.
Simply, quietly, patiently, they sit --
the door swung open,
its creaking swiftly silenced --
drifting
as the flames roar and crackle
with glee.
agape, philos, and eros --
three spirits locked up in a treasure chest
but maybe for now it doesn't matter.

--EHC