Clearly

Flummoxed. A sapling in its original environment develops naturally with all the bends and slashes inherent in its makeup, but is strangely more comfortable in a bleak and icy locale thousands of miles away. Transplanting always does the weirdest things to our friendly green organisms, fellow inhabitants of the earth.

I somewhat miss the "old days" in which I naturally produced cryptic vagueness describing my feelings at the moment. I think it's part of a process of opening up. Does such lead to dust trodden into kéramos? Such a beautiful poem Longfellow did write.

The tulip rests on a mirror reflecting the sky.

Courtesy of Flickr's California Grandma K

"Fall to Fly"

Teeter-totter on the playground swings? Even in the air, where the skylark sings?

Occasionally the crafted panache betrays itself,
with symptoms that can be cured by a spoonful of sugar.

It is in such moments that we realize within ourselves
frozen shadows or desired projections of the original.

To revitalize the core, with blessed
fire blazing through my veins
static charges shocking rain
to meet or flee the forlorn sheep --
such a choice not mine to keep.

But the charge, the charge is mine.

Mine with which to make reply,
Mine with which to reason why,
Mine with which to do or die,
Mine with which to soar on high.

We must fall, first
to fly.

--EHC

Absence

Sometimes I wonder. Too much? I just got another juice box from the garage after not finding the one on the dining table where I'd thought I had placed it. Then I bring the new one up to my room only to find that the old one was sitting on my desk. Observant of me, isn't it?

Unnerving when others around me have solidified their footsteps onto the soil upon which they step. Mudcakes forming. Layers of sand, pas igneous rock? Sticks and firewood to be torched by ignes fatui? Or have they been already? Still searching...

Tortoise and the hare? 1 Peter 1. For His praise, honor, glory. Lilly. Lilies that point to Jessica. Nilly-willy willy-nilly.

"가다."

Silence that is grey. Silence that is golden.

Necessary rebuke. Almost a reprimand. Not quite. Kick my senses back into functioning and whirling mode. Nike. Just do it.

Can't claim you've nary a clue now, can you? <-- Not directing that at anyone; simply felt like saying it.

I know there's a problem when my sleep schedule is so off. It's 3 in the morning and I feel hardly droopy-eyed.. I've been back in California for a while now, so I know it can't be jet-lag. And if it were, I would be feeling sleepy around 10 pm, or some other time before midnight.. not several hours after. Within is restless. Must tame the beast.

I say I do but I don't. I say I don't but I do. Which is worse? Father with two sons, loved whom?

Suspended

View of HDB flats from MRT station

"dots & brushstrokes of grey and gray"

porcelain tile
dotted white depressions
gritty grout blue-grey
high-rise flats

damp grayness settling over chattering town
lime green leaves whose fingers grab at and tickle the air

coils of warm perfume engulf me
rays of sunshine curve upward from side to side
要跟你告白了。要跟你告別了。

--EHC

- - -

Won't be visiting [the first one] this summer. Grandma says not to risk it, swine flu and all. Interesting that I said "visiting" and not "going back."

Stopover halfway around the world, a few years ago --

Looking out from inside the Boh tea farm

Ocean by Langkawi? I think.

Hahaha, yes, this was for real.

There we go.

Got Hang Tuah's name, so must take!

Back to kopi tiam now.

Courtesy of Flickr's nahcnivek

The other, became more familiar with during reading period, har. Window view from 30 feet above ground. No photos here, though.

Home now. Fam, friends, reading, resting, relaxing. Learning left-hand options for worship/praise songs. Job-searching too. And we'll do "everything we've always wanted to do" this summer, says Rica.

"The clarity of water and the radiance of jade." I know I've switched the two phrases around, but it sounds better that way in English. I'll type the original when I learn it.

And a diversion,

Random hawker centre. I miss these.

courtesy of Reuters

Once in a while, I get cravings for Takopachi.

Isn't the logo cute?

Mm.. yummy goodness.

The above three photos courtesy of Flickr's DiLow333

Celadon Prunus Vase

courtesy of Antique Alive

There was a period of time not too long ago when I wished that people didn't have to leave. It's not that I wished they would stay so I could have them near me, for such wasn't something I could ask. It was that I feared.. feared for the hurt and pain they would encounter as they continued on, feared for the difficulties they would have to face, feared for all the different ways in which they would experience brokenness of spirit, and feared they would not be able to recover.

I guess that was short-sighted of me, for I've come to realize and actively believe that their departures are part of God's desires, for He has plans to mold them into what pleases Him. My self still struggles with the ideas of the hardships these people will meet, but I hope they may obtain the growth they need in God and that they'll be all the better for it. The sad/wistful feeling no longer remains, or.. most of it no longer has gone, at least, and I guess that's a good thing too. In the end, it's all for His glory.

- - -

I realized recently at least one reason why people bring laptops to class -- to stay awake. This holds for me, at least, and curiously, it shows that I almost "need" distractions to stay awake. What does that demonstrate? Could be several things, whether about my low sleep levels, or my lack of love for the class, or my insensitivity?

My fingernails have been slicing the neck recently. I hadn't realized such until I looked down and saw the slashes across the mustard wood. It disturbs me that the marks are so fresh and noticeable, such a large contrast to the dullness of desire I sense toward my studies and other entities that used to constitute me. This chronic lack of inspiration and direction has permeated itself into my writing as well, I can see. I can't whip up sentences of visionary hopefulness naturally as I used to. It troubles me.

Even Aja Tiger on my iGoogle page has big boxy red glasses on and is studying hard. =\

blue - a title so short it must be blue! .. or not.

gorgeous blue from walking along charles when brian visited, almost 2 weekends ago. seems shorter with "2" versus "two," the image conjured up in one's brain. 2 days passes faster than two days. excessive classification and drawer organizing? could be.

currently (by choice) clamped up, but know must release thoughts to examine, to address root of the issue. i guess "by choice" isn't entirely correct, though. "by default?" or "reversion to familiar state?" unsure, which = not sure why. can tell that self-correction helps, though. got to actually using a personal pronoun --> more involved? perhaps. mm. and "must" as in "is necessary in order to move past current stage." current stage of what? that's what we're figuring out. don't like the "in order" in that previous phrase, 'tis unnecessary, but w/e. answers the un-parallel "why?" and makes for clarification, so i'll let it be.

have been realizing recently that things are complicated. not that didn't know such before, but.. have been made aware of factors/circumstances previously hadn't considered. and such on several fronts -- familial, world, personal.. flying straight into the faces of such i must [one of the following]: 1) be too 天真 2) not care what happens, as in, well, if you're going to do something you might as well take everything that comes with it, the good and the bad 3) oblivious to danger.. is that too similar to #1?

i think most of my life until now has been marked by a combination of the three, but during time not long past, ponderings deviating from the second have sprouted, and i've never really battled them before. i dunno, presumably it's because i'm coming closer to getting face-to-face with reality, and fear is striking me irrationally? or rationally, according to the thinking of this world? perchance i'm becoming too cautious? or i wasn't enough before? i don't know.

haven't written like this for a while. welcome not explaining though. college has involved a lot of (good, i guess) opening up, so far and in general. i remember in chinese once, the teacher asked if i had any aversions to meeting strangers, and i responded no, because you can face them without baggage, or .. with considerably less baggage than with people you've known for a long time but not really "known." yeah, muddy diction, but eh, don't feel like making it better. hm. people whom you may have known for a long time, or whom you know about much on the superficial level, but whom if asked to detail their hopes and dreams and passions, you draw blank. that's slightly clearer.

but yeah, this is preferable for the moment. more musing than sharing. yes, that's it. there are differences in expressing: observations/opinions/thoughts/beliefs/emotions/sentiments/speculations/musings/ideas. pyramid skyrockets.

well, t.t.f.n.~

Faded.

"Struggle"

I see problems that I cannot fix,
tears I cannot wipe away,
stains too dark to scrub back clean,
wounds aggressors should for pay.

It's hard to trust, though know I should,
in He who does all for our good.
And struggle as I do through this,
I wonder what I current miss.

--EHC

- - -

"streetlamp"

in a strange way,
i'm glad to be on ground
instead of 1000 feet above
staring up at space
at darkness of the groves.

marigold light tumbling down
on asphalt path.
what is this?
contrast with cold-shouldered fluorescent white
of swimming pools, 5 past night.

stars in the heavens obstructed
cry out to He in the cosmos i do
glittering vulnerabilities
tower of pearl, steeple
renewing, refreshing, amazing.

to-and-fro, to-and-fro,
the accelerating engines of vehicles passing
make me wish the T were open at this hour
or the airport and runways and silver beams closer
in their yearning groans for things than self greater

--EHC

Melodies.

I just realized why (other than not often being immersed in extended periods of day-to-day conversation) I can't/don't/find-it-difficult-to think in Chinese sometimes. It's not because I'm thinking in English, since if my mind is awake and functioning enough to be actively thinking and composing in English, then switching over to Chinese tends not to be too much of an ordeal. When thinking in Chinese is difficult, it's because I think in music. Or rather, my thoughts are music. Such occurs when I'm too tired to think in words. Thus, reversion to the comfortable and the primordial. So yeah, go figure. Usually I don't mind, but at times it's problematic, like... now, when I have to write an essay in Chinese. Agh. Okay, back to work.

Oh, but I guess before that I'll show you Mickey. He's pretty cool. Mayhap he'll make me happier as I work into the night.

- - -

3/14/09, 0048 EST; Whoo.. it's Pi Day. Note the lack of enthusiasm in voice. Yeah... I really should be doing GTI research now, especially since tomorrow will be a very full day, but it's hard mustering up the gung-ho spirit. Though I guess gung-ho-ness isn't exactly something you preconceive of, so perhaps that's a misnomer. It's hard mustering up the will? I'm bothered that the situation is such, because usually I have no problem jumping into GTI stuff. And yeah, recently I haven't been conversing with God as much, either. Probably has to do with that.

I miss having a piano around. Like, immediately around. Downstairs float strains of One Republic's "Apologize," and I think music.

OKAY. Going to go and start on GTI now. Glad to have one of RARE around. Listening ears are much help. <3